Her, vanishing.

On loneliness.

the stain of death

fluttered victoriously

out of the soft dirt.

death in all its gleaming greatness

seeped into me

finding who i really am

its surrendering bitterness

settled.

and like

the cancer it is

it fed freely, as if my continent succumbed.

——

Have you ever been so lonely your bones ached? Deep down, inside? An ache that penetrates your very soul, snakes around inside, wraps tightly, takes hold, doesn’t let go. Ever had that? Having it now? Well, I think that’s how she ended up. Lonely is not the word anyone would’ve assigned to her. Instead, ‘vibrant’, ‘energetic’, ‘torn’, ‘ripped’, ‘proud’, ‘courageous’, ‘brave’… tons of adjectives come to mind… but, Jesus, not lonely. That, however, now and forever annotates her. When layers of life flake away and scatter around, many are too small and fragile to pick up and put back in place. Instead, it’s easier to sweep them away. We all will experience loneliness. You’re not gonna get to skip it. That ache, that impenetrable feeling of inadequacy, the “loss” it brings, must be what howled at her toward the end. Constant that screaming little bastard is. Reminding her of its unending presence, its empty laughter filling her room, inescapable. I know what she did. She closed her eyes in the dark, trying to cast it away.

——

she left me, there

at the door, on the other side of the morning.

you will remember being left by

someone you

never thought would leave

you.

i will remember your hands

they’re ghosts with

lonely lines,

they were holding me

when you left.