Tossing Salad

gourmezza catering via Flickr

You love a well-tossed salad. Actually, you love the act of tossing salad. The act itself is more amazing than the finished product. Thrusting the ingredients in the air so that they land perfectly mixed in the bowl. The rhythm of the action is cathartic and natural, relaxing you into an arousing sense of pleasure. Most of the time, you achieve this pleasure alone. A lot of people do it alone, but, oh, wouldn’t it be great if you could just invite someone over to help you with it? You two wouldn’t have to be close or anything, just know each other well enough to enjoy some good ole’ salad tossing together. You imagine this person would want to toss with a partner as well. Isn’t it just so much more satisfying when you share something like that with another? Yet, there are its challenges. What if this salad tossing partner is more interested in adding ranch dressing and croutons while you prefer the savory taste of balsamic vinaigrette and olives? How do you resolve that issue with a stranger?

All of a sudden, tossing a salad has strings attached… all nasty and horribly tangled. You two have come to toss a couple of salads now, but instead of just having fun with it, you begin to want different things in the salad. Now, concessions must be made to suit both of you, which could mean sacrificing the vinaigrette for ranch, or sacrificing both for something you only sort of like (thousand island?). Then, you begin drifting from your co-tosser, finding these strings and compromises more arduous than entertaining, and wind up tossing a salad with another person.

Now, your original tossing partner is furious.

“We were just tossing salad!” you exclaim, thoroughly convinced your actions are just.

Your partner fervently disagrees, but cannot express it because, technically, you are not wrong. You two did just agree to toss salad. Yet, you failed to realize the impossibility of this task. You never just tossed salads. With each rendezvous, you two met up, had a little chat, had a little wine, prepared all the ingredients (talking all the while, maybe jesting each other), and then you got down to tossing salad. You enjoyed the salad together, finished it together, and maybe chatted a little more after. All the while, what was just making some salad had become an intimate friendship. You two conversed and grew to enjoy each others company (at least, your fellow salad tosser believed so). And now, after this partner was vulnerable to you… after you two seemed to connect… you just go off and toss a salad with someone else? You do not just toss a salad with anyone! I mean, at this point, you two have collaboratively tossed so much salad. How could you suddenly give up on that to go enjoy the salad of another?

You feel that the deeper connection with your partner is not what you wanted. You just wanted to toss some salad with somebody. So, you two stop making salads together and you go back to tossing your own. But, even after all of that, you still want to toss salad with another person, so long as it is only about the salad. But, that never seems to happen, does it? After all, to toss a salad with someone is a very close activity. You must make yourself vulnerable enough to get what you want into the salad, having the courage to suggest the addition of avocado or the subtraction of a cherry tomato. Inevitably, you two will converse with each other, maybe grow to enjoy the platonic company of the other. After some tosses, it is bound to become less about salad and more about intimacy. In such a case, it really sucks when one just wants to keep making salad.

In short, it is better to toss that damn salad by yourself until you are ready for everything that comes with co-tossing salads. To do anything else just leads to trouble.


If you discovered that this article was definitely not about salad and still enjoyed it, please recommend it by hitting that green heart somewhere around here. If you thought this was actually about two people making salad, recommend it anyway. You can also press the follow button near my face below if you want to be the first to see my newly released writings.