I am a hypocrite!

Life full of issues, future certainly unstable, everyday never ending miscommunications with mamma and everything going the worst possible way, oh and B-School, all this clouding my mind on a regular hazy night I randomly broadcast-ed to my closest buds “I would like to die. ASAP. Get me the hell out of this life already!”

Next day was just one of those days and in a gist of escapism I decided to go for shopping. The day was going pretty well with an almost empty Macy’s and roads. All it took was a call from my favorite cribbing person as a reply to my recent selfie. “Did you see that? How did you get that? When did that happen? Did you go to the Doctor?” as he blurted on, I ignored him trying to find the Taco Bell outlet. “Please promise me you will get it checked”. My best friend for almost 8 years now is a super over-reactor when it comes to anything health related.

Fast forward to the next day, I decided to visit the clinic close to school, unaware of the change in state of my mind the visit was going to lead to that was going to last way longer than I ever imagined possible. So I go to the clinic, a nurse comes and asks me the same number of questions for the 100th time(yes I keep falling sick and clinic is literally my second home), OMG dude I did not become an addict in a week since I visited you, give me a break! Arghh! Anyway, so I thought it’s an inflammation because of cold or probably regular drinking and that’s what I asked casually until the doctor blurted the word I had only heard of in movies, literally. No family history whatsoever. “We need to have you tested for Cancer. I am going to have you referred for Ultrasound followed by a Biopsy”. I wanted to cry. Almost as if she sensed that, she said “ Let’s get you tested for Thyroid first, please take this and go to the blood test lab”. I had no idea what was going on. No one was telling me what was going on. Were these the only two outcomes? If I did not have some thyroid extremity or deficiency condition was I going to be diagnosed with Cancer? I rushed to the restroom to wash my face which was super flushed by now. I don’t even remember the last time I cried. I wanted someone to hug me and tell me everything was going to be alright but more than that I wanted someone to answer my questions. ASAP.

To make my state of mind even more miserable, the blood test results were due the very next day and the ultrasound appointment was scheduled for the following week. Blood test results were normal. That was the worst week ever. I managed to tell Dad somehow but didn’t have the heart to tell mamma. Being in a different country from your parents who refuse to acknowledge the fact that you are 24 years old had never been harder. I couldn’t get myself to rely on the person who was the strongest support I had during the worst possible times(which now seemed like nothing of course) when all I needed was her. Right here.

Ultrasound reports required me to see a specialist who wasn’t available for more weeks and things kept getting delayed. I had my biopsies done yesterday after almost a month of the restroom crying incident. I am sitting on my bed typing this and the day was not great but all I am thinking about and talking about is my reports. Can anyone be more of a hypocrite?

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