Better Off

I know they hate me. They’ve said it multiple times, repeatedly, but I block it out. I know they’re just angry with me. But their anger seems to be all that I get from them anymore. A sorry, a cry, some hurtful words.

“Cut them off”, I hear this a lot and I feel like I’d be cutting a huge part of myself off if I did that. I know they’d be just fine without me, but I don’t think I’d be fine without them. I don’t know if I’ll be able to rid myself of the guilt they’ve planted in my head. This guilt grows y’know, this guilt consumes me. This guilt that I’m somehow ruining their life makes it hard to cut them off because I have a constant need to fix it all.

There’s so much broken, that I don’t know what goes where and I’m not sure any of it can be fixed.

How do you cut people off?

That concept seems so undoable.

How do you ignore someone you care about so much that you are physically ill with worry?

I know how to stay with someone who hurts me. And I know how to tolerate and make excuses for someone who hurts me.

I just don’t think anyone has ever taught me how to rid myself of the negative emotions they’ve instilled into me.

I only know how to cry.

I cry so much.

I articulate so much of what I’m feeling to them to best of my ability and I know they hear none of it. I know they don’t want to get any of it.

I wonder if I’m here for them to hurt me.

I wonder if we are better off never seeing each other again.

We probably are.

That’s what scares me. That we are better off not speaking, not tolerating each other. The better off fantasies always scare me.

I don’t want to be better off. I want us to get better. I want to fix this. I know I can fix this. I know it can be fixed.

Please. I know it’s toxic.

We take two steps forward and five steps back and each and every step Im saying, “We’re gonna be okay.”

No, we are not okay.

We are not going to be okay.

It’s always going to be this.

I’m afraid. I’m horrified of being better off without them. I’m horrified of them being better off without me.