Born Again

God called me to share this experience.

If you read it all the way through, you will see it comes full circle. It gets dark, but ends well.

It is a story of Redemption and being Born Again into the Light of God manifesting itself as the Holy Spirit of Christ Conscious energy before me. Mentions of drug use/suicide so viewer discretion is advised.

I tell this story in hopes that even if it only resonates in the heart of one, they know they are not alone.

Want to know the truth of what really happened on March 22, 2023 at Afterlife during Miami Music Week? I endured what I could only conclude as an overdose. Or at least at the tipping point of something that could have ended very badly.

To preface, I am not an avid drug user. I rarely drink and for the last 4 years I’ve barely even smoked weed. Prior to this life altering experience, I had persistent suicidal thoughts/urges for the last 3 years, with the last year and a half being the most intense.

I want to make it clear that I am absolutely NOT a victim. I haven’t really spoken about this because I refuse to be seen as “broken” and “weak.” I am incredibly resilient and strong. I am a WARRIOR.

I never thought I would be a person who could say they battled crippling depression, unable to see the light beyond their pain — but it happened. We can call people weak. We can tell them oh “It’s all in your head, just shift your mindset.” Or we can accept that we have absolutely no idea what people have been through and the silent battles they fight alone in the shadows.

There are things that have happened to me throughout my life that, despite all the practices and teachings I have learned through my readings and research on the meaning of life, suffering, and enlightenment, I still could not find a way out of my crippling pain.

Although my story has been pretty off-the-wall from the get-go to say the least; Ending up in local newspapers, or somehow in jail again for my mouth, because I believe in standing for Truth and Freedom at all costs — (won every case so ha), yet still getting shit done — it wasn’t until the last 2 years that I came to realize all of these unfathomable experiences that would absolutely break most to pieces, yet I seemed to brush off, was to prepare me for the most intense period of suffering of my life.

All of this to come after 2 previous years of basically living in complete isolation as an entrepreneur trying to build my dreams from nothing. There will come a time when I will share it all, but long story short — I lost everything.

I had just prepared to come out of the horizon of a year and a half of my first encounter with debilitating depression and isolation, and into a life I had waited so long and worked so hard for, and did things maybe I shouldn’t have that hurt my soul at times to get to where I wanted to go faster.

I officially moved clear across the country from small town Indiana to Los Angeles, California. Right when I got there, in February 2020, after organizing everything perfectly to start my life, I could finally see the light again after 2 years of darkness.

What happened soon after?

The Plandemic sparked one month later and the whole world shut down.

I lost it all.

In a blink.

Before I could even get a taste. I lost my dream, all of my material possessions, (which I still haven’t seen in over 2 years), my heart was broken, I was thrown into the middle of no where with no money or social life, my health was shit, and my brain also had to work at coping with something to this day I cannot seem to make sense of. And I’ve finally stopped trying to understand it. I never will. Because my heart is Pure.

To sum it up — I lost my fucking mind.

And ventured into the deepest layers of my soul.

So what came out of a 5 year period in total of no material possessions, no social life as I was busy trying to create financial freedom, deteriorating health with autoimmunity, hardly any sexual interaction or physical touch of any kind (other than the physical touch involved being a massage therapist throughout my last years of college), and in the last 2 years, living in complete isolation from the world with no money, working through the most intense trauma of my life?

I tried to take my power back.

I learned how to become a trader in the forex markets to create financial freedom; Something I’d been working at for 2 years prior. I also manifested a vision I’ve seen since I was 18, in founding my own decentralized media outlets, @pineal.activation, @pineal.activate, and @truthseeksyou. I got into flow arts and found ways to move my body to transmute the energy. And I have had the deepest, most transformative revelations of my life, being so intimately close to God.

Yet, the darkness in my mind through my pains would always seem to find a way to overshadow it. On the other side of it all, I could not stop the trauma and things that have happened to me/things I have seen in this world that I could not make sense of, genuinely break my soul.

Truly.

I would throw things viciously, slam them into the walls/ground, rip things apart, try to rip my hair out. My acne/psoriasis became so horrible and chronic that I literally stopped looking in the mirror. Over the last 2 years I have barely looked in the mirror.

I would tell my family when I saw them that I so deeply wish I had the courage to kill myself. I would tell them every time I spoke to them that I want to kill myself so badly and that I wasn’t made for this place and I genuinely couldn’t take it anymore. I would say I just can’t believe I have to keep waking up. I thought I’m sure everyone is sick of hearing all of this and no one seems to care or understand how much pain I’m in so I may as well kill myself. I’ll show them. I’ll show everyone just how much pain they have caused me.

I burdened my parents with this nonstop negativity every time I saw them, all the while they were dealing with their own issues, as they, as well as I, had to watch and somehow cope with my grandma slowly go from a normal functioning human, to out of the blue lose her sanity and think the walls were talking to her and people were coming to kill her — All in a matter of months. She never came back from it either.

I was defensive and angry with my parents all the time. I would yell and be on edge a lot. I felt no one could understand what I was going through. And my rage started to bleed into everything, hurting the people I loved the most. I was ashamed of it and thought I’d be better off leaving this place at this point.

I would romanticize dying by creatively thinking of all the different ways I could do it. I would get on YouTube and watch people drink concoctions that made them die a minute later. Not because I was going to do it in that moment, because I wasn’t. I was scared to — but because of my deep desire to not feel this pain anymore.

I couldn’t take the pain.

I deeply suffered for years, despite doing everything in my power to come out of it. Self help books, yoga, meditation, music, sound healing; The works. Although my diet was terrible the last 2 years, and there’s a reason why. But obviously that wasn’t helping.

Understand even the sacred spiritual space I always leaned on in order to heal and feel safe, had now been ripped away from me and the purity of it tainted by continued evil actions from an individual that I could not find any way to comprehend, no matter how hard I tried.

Actions that would absolutely repulse and disgust any normal, sane individual. And that I was the one who would have to pay the price for and hold the burden of these actions I did not commit, while they continued to frolic in “love and light.” Because this certainly isn’t the type of person who sits and mulls over what they have done and the harm they have caused. This is a person who uses “spiritual” loopholes to validate their evil.

Because they are spineless.

I felt like there was no where safe for me anymore. No where to go. There are things I have seen and had to go through all alone to try and process that I truly wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Things I will have to keep to myself for as long as I live. Things that have forever changed me.

I couldn’t take all of this at once. My soul was completely and utterly broken to pieces. I felt like God had picked the wrong person for this. Because I seriously couldn’t handle it.

Finally.. the darkness had penetrated deep enough to truly break my spirit. I’ve always been a Warrior who brushed things off and found a way to see fallbacks as opportunities to grow in strength and character — Fallbacks that would destroy most. I’ve felt a sense of invincibility carry me throughout life in that way.

But this one… this one was beyond my capacity to transmute. This one was too much.

I had to continue to helplessly watch the deception and lies from a “healer,” all the while they were continuing these things behind closed doors. And there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

I couldn’t help it. I believe in Love and Truth. And when I see lies and wicked, ungodly deceit, I can’t just “brush it off.”

How could I..

I was born to transmute it.

Keep in mind, we were in the middle of the “plandemic.” It’s not like there were social events or experiences available in this time for me to even briefly escape from it. If I chose to move back to the cities with no money as an entrepreneur working to create financial freedom, those areas were locked down anyway, and I would risk destroying everything I’d worked so hard for, with the potential of ending up back in the 9–5.

There was no way to escape from this. I had to face it.

With who I am, I wasn’t just going to look the other direction and condone it anyway. I couldn’t just let it slide. Because simply looking away meant promoting a world where these horrific, monstrous acts were accepted.

To accept what they were doing was to accept a world of it. And trust me, it’s no world you want to live in.

I knew they were searching for every excuse in the book to validate their actions. Instead of accepting that they are a fraud and shutting the fuck up.

The least they could do is shut the fuck up.

I mean, as if their actions weren’t bad enough the first time around, they didn’t even have the courage to change after they were told multiple times to stop.

They had every abundant opportunity in the world not to choose this path — Opportunities that many beg for in this lifetime, but will never get.

And yet STILL, they chose evil.

What does that say about someone’s character? They have things that some can only dream of, and yet they chose to use their position for narcissistic evil to fulfill a dark urge in the shadows — All the while proclaiming themselves as a spirit of light.

You aren’t a healer.

You’re a COWARD.

But I mean this isn’t the first time we’ve seen deception in spiritual and religious environments.. If you’re going to be evil, under the guise of “duality,” despite being told to stop, while having the awareness of how much harm you are causing — join the evil.

Don’t pedestal yourself as a beacon of light when God knows the abominable actions you are committing in the shadows.. Have the fucking balls to join the side of evil you support.

I’m no where near perfect. But I know I’m not a liar. I know I’m not evil. And with what I have seen and the fine details of what I know about the situation — Trust me when I say;

There is no other way to describe this, other than

Pure Evil.

They want to believe that everyone would be doing this if they were in their position. Interesting. I know plenty who are in higher ranks and yet still have a good heart and spirit. They still have morals.

“Everyone would be doing this” is the lie they tell themselves to validate their actions. Because they cannot accept the truth that the only ones who would be doing it are weak, docile, soulless, profane, Godless, narcissistic, wicked beings with no true direction or purpose.

I honestly have more respect for crooks and monsters that are open about their antics, rather than those who deceive and project themselves to be revered and admired.

I mean just absolutely despicable.

Sickening.

There are no words.

Oh, have “compassion” for me. “All of this came to me at once — How was I to know how to handle it properly?”

“Oh, I was given everything in the world and showered in deeper levels of Love than many will ever know, and still I consistently chose evil. Oh, have compassion for me.”

Unreal.

Funny how they call politicians and the government corrupt and evil, but when the tables are turned on them, they say “Oh, I’m just a human being. Have compassion for me.”

Yea, “compassion” for unspeakable actions you continued to commit for YEARS despite being told to stop MULTIPLE TIMES…

You aren’t sorry for what you did. You’re sorry you got caught.

Sick to my stomach.

How feeble.

How spineless.

How weak.

And they’ll say my God just let it go already you’re “Obsessed.” Of course. Turn the tables so you don’t have to look in the mirror. Oh “You’re so dramatic. Get over it already.” Maybe it would have been possible to write it off as a mistake and “get over it,” if it happened one time. And this is bad enough that even with it being a one-time deal, it would still be unforgivable by many.

But it wasn’t a one-time deal. It was a dark obsession. They continued to do these unspeakable things for TWO YEARS STRAIGHT, despite being told many times to stop.

If I’m so “Dramatic,” why don’t you go ahead and tell all of your friends and the community what you’ve been up to? 🤔

That’s what I thought.

No. What I am is an investigative journalist. My role on this planet is to serve as a watchdog for corruption and evil.

It’s my job.

Trust me, it would have been much easier and beneficial for me from a personal perspective if I had just looked the other direction and moved on. But that isn’t in my character. Since I can remember, the fire has burned within me to Protect and Honor Truth and Love at all costs.

I won’t simply turn my head and look the other direction when I see corruption and destructive evil that could seriously harm others.

It’s not in my blood.

I will burn it to the fucking ground.

And to watch this person have the audacity to continue to speak on women’s issues..

You can’t make this shit up.

I mean, just laughable. We live in a backwards, upside down world man.

And to know they would continue to carry out these unthinkable actions to this day had they not gotten caught.. Hell, they continued to do it it even AFTER they had been caught. In fact, just a few months ago, they were caught AGAIN, more than once, despite being told multiple times to quit and promising they never would again. This was after two consecutive years straight of consistently committing these acts behind closed doors, when they thought no one was watching. Who knows how long it was going on prior..

This wasn’t so much about a single person. But instead about honoring and protecting what is sacred, and fighting for Truth and what is morally right — For the collective. For the future.

I couldn’t look away. Because then I would risk another person having to go through what I did.

Now I just see this individual as a pathetic low life.

Someone who genuinely needs help. Someone who needs psychological intervention. Hopefully someone or something out there can truly change them for the better. Because I know they are going to continue to preach love and light and pedestal themselves as a leader in the space.

They can play dumb, but I know they are smart. This whole time, they knew exactly what they were doing, and why they were doing it. I was in their head. I could see it all. It was a tedious, calculated act to fulfill a dark, destructive, dangerous urge for power — Which really, at its core, is an illusion. Because they are terrified of facing themselves.

Deep down they know how wrong it is. That’s why they won’t share what they have done with the world. Because they know everyone would shun them for it. And so, this will forever live in the shadows.

But I know the the Truth.

And so does God.

I have done all I can do here to make things better for the collective. It’s in God’s hands now, not mine. I understand that God forgives all — even the most vile, wicked, and evil out there. But does that mean these people should continue to be “guides” and “spiritual leaders?” — When they persisted for YEARS after being called out, and have yet to publicly confess to their actions, since they think it’s so “Normal?”

They never will. This will forever remain etched in the dark caves of the shadow realm, never to be decrypted or seen, except for by me — the shadow walker.

So since spirituality had now been poisoned for me, after all of the other previous traumas back to back I needed to process (understand I am not one to sit and perseverate on “trauma,” but it just so happened that this time I was faced with the most intense, earth-shattering events successively that I needed to work through) before this even happened — I decided I just didn’t want any part of it anymore. Because it was filled with lies in my eyes and heart now. The place I always went to feel safe was now bleak.

It was black.

It now felt like the furthest thing from God. Because I watched it convince a person it was okay and normal to commit wicked, dishonorable acts and continue to do so after begging them to stop multiple times because it was causing me so much pain.

It’s gotten pretty bad in my life. I’ve been through Hell and back many times over. But I had no idea it could get THIS unbearably bad. The pain paralyzed me. It stole any light I had left in my spirit.

I just couldn’t believe God chose me for this battle.

I still can’t.

It doesn’t feel real.

No little girl grows up hoping one day this will be her story.

There will never be words to describe how much pain this caused me. As someone who is experienced and well acquainted with the shadow realm, even I couldn’t handle it.

Because it felt I had to hold the burden and weight of transmuting it for the sake of ALL women. No one knew about this except for me. And they never will.

It felt if I looked away, I would be giving universal permission to let it happen again.

Looking at the past record of what I’ve had to endure, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised that I was chosen for this. God knew if there were anyone on this planet that could handle it and try to change things for the better — it would be me.

I knew God had chosen me to transmute this for the collective.

I was born to annihilate evil.

I guess seeing it all comes at a price. So if spirituality had now been destroyed in my heart as a safe space, where else was there to go..

But the darkness.

I wanted to always be the person who wouldn’t let outside, exterior things invade and take control. And for the most part throughout my life, I never did. That’s what got me to where I am today — My resilience.

But this one.. this one was too much. And I couldn’t find a way out. It felt as if I were trying to solve riddles and equations to escape this Hell. But no matter how hard I tried and how dedicated I was, I would always end up back at square one.

And this indescribably traumatic experience was the detonator for the internal bomb after a culmination of unfathomable events back to back, which already happened to be the deepest pain of my life, that truly sent me over the edge. I’ve never let anything get to me. But this time, I was faced with more than I could handle. I had a deep well of tools available and knowledge accumulated over the years on how to transmute pain and suffering, yet I couldn’t find a way out.

I often would cry and pray to God on my knees that I be killed. I would put my fingers to my head and imagine pulling a trigger. I would imagine taking a bunch of benadryl, but soon realized that was about the worst way to go out. I would imagine if I could just walk out into the wilderness with a tent and stay there until I starved to death. Or just jump into the water at night so the alligators could eat me alive.

It was fucked. And it was some dark shit. I felt like God had truly given me too much to handle this time. I wasn’t strong enough for this one.

Like just have the guts to do it already Breanna. I bet the other side is way better and much less pain. I mean, you’re not going to escape death anyway so why not make it happen now? You are never going to heal Breanna. It was cute of you to think things would finally get better after trying to move out to LA. That you could finally heal and be happy. But it only got much worse. It’s only going to continue to get worse.

Romanticizing suicide was my coping mechanism for visualizing what it would be like to feel no pain. Because no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find a way out of it. I would drive recklessly over 100mph in the night on some random road blasting heavy metal music, getting off on the fact that I felt I was dancing with death; Dancing with escaping from this Hell into a realm of no pain.

This is difficult to share, because it was only a month ago (March 2023) that I was continuing thinking these thoughts and saying this stuff. But I feel like I’m lying and putting on a facade if I don’t share my shadow and everything that has made me who I am, in hopes that others will have the courage to share theirs too, and know they are not alone.

I am NOT a victim. I am an active, intelligent, well rounded, successful, free thinking individual, who, despite feeling like they tried every single possible avenue to heal, could not escape their agonizing pain.

I would have nightmares of the darkness often, tormented by it even in my sleep. It would try to engulf me and I’d wake up gasping for air.

I decided that God failed me. That God forgot about me and wasn’t on my side anymore. I decided that God had to be punishing me for something. I convinced myself; If one believes in destiny, maybe it is my destiny to put a bullet through my head? Is it my destiny to kill myself? I decided there was no way God would put one person through this much suffering unless it was their destiny to commit suicide.

I would try to become as still as possible and not breathe for a little while to see what it would feel like to not exist. I decided because of what happened, I was no longer capable of feeling peace in this lifetime. I felt hopeless. Lifeless already. Like there was no way out. I figured I was already dead in this world anyway.

This is intense, I know. But it truly is a story of Redemption. Understand I am a normal human being and that we all will face the deepest layers of our soul at some point in our lives. Understand that, through all of this pain and suffering, we discover who we are at the core.

We will meet the part of our spirit that is unbreakable.

Understand that in the end, it was a blessing that brought me even closer to God, and more vigilant to evil.

So back to the experience at Afterlife on March 22 and how all of this correlates. Before attending the event, I jumped in a random guy’s Ferrari on the street. My sister saw and was like who even are you with. I said I have no idea. She was like dear God you need to start sharing your location with me. So she sent me something and I couldn’t figure it out, she tried to reexplain and I said “If I’m lucky someone will kill me.” My mom called me later that night before I was about to head to the event and I cried to her telling her how badly I wanted to kill myself.

Listen, once again I am not weak or a victim. I have endured things that may have many lock themselves in a room full of soft plushies and never leave their home again. I have been through bloody fucking wars. Just like we all have in some form. I am a warrior with a heart full of passion and at the core, when I feel safe, the deepest well of Love.

Yet, because I couldn’t find a way out of the pain, I could not see the light. I could not see the blessings. Because in the brief moments I could feel joy and peace, the trauma I couldn’t let go of would find a way to rip it all away again. I decided that I feel too deeply, my heart is shattered to pieces, and I am genuinely not strong enough for this place.

I was deeply suffering.

Before I went to Afterlife, some guy said “I like your outfit, where you going?” I said “I’m going to Afterlife. I figured if I’m going out, I may as well go out in style, right?”

When I got to the venue, mind you this experience happened at an event called “Afterlife”…. I was vibing having a good time; And by that I mean I was numb. Because that’s how I learned to function in the world to survive.

Just be numb.

I decided I would take a quarter of a molly pill someone I had just met gave to me. The friends from Brazil I was with were incredibly beautiful spirits and truly were so kind. None of this has anything to do with them. My body is and has always been very sensitive, especially with autoimmunity. But I took the molly.

An hour or so later I decided to inhale this stuff that was being passed around out of a spray can called “Maximum Impact.” I took a few huffs and was told to inhale deep 5 times. After doing it a few times, I did it with deeper inhales later on. I almost passed out. And still, later on, I did it a few more times. Please, please do not use these street drugs, “poppers.” They are literal anti-knock compounds for gasoline, a refrigerant, an aerosol, used to clean electronics, and also paint thickeners and binders.

It hurts my heart to know I did this to my body. Yet despite dishonoring it, it kept me safe. Two hours or so later, I was dancing, when felt an intuitive pulse to get water, despite not being that thirsty in the moment. When I got out of the thick crowd, that’s when I realized how hard the molly was hitting me.

I drank two waters fast, and sat down. Some guy had a shirt on that was a person’s head with a maze, and said “Let me overthink about it.” I laughed so hard and said “What even is life?” He cracked up and said “I have no idea.” We laughed, tripping out, and high-fived.

Immediately after, I felt light-headed and started to get a really bad feeling surging throughout my body.

This really isn’t Loving at all.. None of this. This is so far from Love. I am in so much pain.

Mind you I am a Cancer. I am deeply intuitive and sensitive to energies around me. I was surrounded by thousands of people, whilst being on inhalants and molly. I started to look around and see through the veil. I began to feel so incredibly disconnected from God, from the eternal source of creation.

When I looked around, it felt as if I were in the depths of hell and these souls had no idea they needed saving. Like they were headed the wrong direction and needed guiding into the Light. I felt so much Love for them. I felt protective over their souls.

I needed to go for a walk. I walked around with my friend to take a few breaths and glanced over to see a kid being rolled out into an ambulance stretcher. When usually I would pray for them, I couldn’t in this state. It was too much. I immediately looked away and turned around. I walked back closer to the stage with my friend. He asked if I was ready to go back in. But something told me I needed to leave right then. I looked him in his eyes. There was chaos and darkness everywhere. Everything was black, but the bright blue of his eyes. I saw God in them. I could see his spirit. In that moment, it was my only sign that maybe things were going to be okay. I tried to take the light of his blue eyes and radiating spirit with me through the void I knew I was about to enter alone. I had to leave. The energies around were getting too intense.

Problem was, I had no out plan. I was just going to sleep wherever my head lied that night. I left the event and walked into more chaos. Right when I stepped out a tall cop immediately screamed to everyone around, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!” I was alone, half naked in the streets, completely disoriented, and had old men in their cars to give taxi/Uber rides hissing at me.

I was in Hell.

And I was terrified.

But I tried to stay calm. I had nipple pasties on that were skeletons flipping everyone off. I immediately ripped them off my body and threw them in the street. I needed that energy off of me. I prayed to God to keep me safe.

I called my mom because I didn’t know what else to do. I was rolling hard and it would come in peaks where I was elated, then it would get really dark and would feel like my mother’s voice was fading from me. When it would rush, it felt like fire was pumping through my veins, which sometimes happens on molly. I prayed to God and repeated mantras about how much I am Loved and filled with Light.

I needed water, fast. I was still outside the venue pacing trying to figure out what to do, sitting on the ground at moments just looking for tiny patches of grass to feel the Earth. But I couldn’t stay still. I looked a woman in the eyes who was selling water on the street in agony and begged her to give me a water because I had no cash on me. I drank a huge water faster than I ever have in my life. In like 3 seconds. That’s when I realized.. I’m in for it. I’m gonna need to detox heavy.

And hopefully I didn’t take it too far this time..

Despite being incredibly disoriented in the streets with barely any clothes on, my mom’s voice was able to help keep me calm so I could find somewhere to go. For the most part I kind of did stay calm. Instinctually, I knew I had to. And my mother was abnormally calm/soft as well, given the circumstance. She instinctually knew too.

Yet there was also this weird sense hovering over me.. I felt maybe it really was my time. Maybe this is how I go out. And if something bad would have happened at Afterlife, I wasn’t sure that my spirit would go where I wanted it to. It’s hard to describe. But I guess this is the way we feel when we are completely disconnected from God. From the source of Creation. From Love.

When I finally got to my place after pacing for about an hour on the street rolling hard trying to get enough sense to book somewhere to stay, having booked a room for the wrong day the first time around, I grabbed a bunch of waters at the place and had to give my id, all the while feeling like my mother’s voice on the phone was fading from me at moments.

As I was trying to stay oriented enough to hand my id, I glanced at the picture on my license feeling completely disconnected from that person. Was it because I got a new license recently? Or was it because my spirit was sad that I was doing this to that mortal human.

What I can tell you for sure is, there was some higher force of energy guiding and assisting me that night. It’s the only reason I was able to make it through on my own.

God was there with me.

I got to my room, took all of my clothes off, threw them in the trash, and started absolutely chugging water. I drank 5 whole waters in a blink. I paced and I got in and out of the shower for hours. I was shaking and trembling and put the movie Moana on to try and feel like I was safe and calm.

It was in that moment as I was laying naked on the bed shivering, helpless, vulnerable, and in need of support, I cried out to the Holy Spirit of Jesus Christ. I would like to clarify, I don’t perceive any higher entity as male or female. I also don’t perceive their being any deity. We are all a piece of the whole. God is within us. But in that moment, my human mind wanted to grasp onto God form in something familiar and comforting, something tangible and displaying human-like physical features. I wanted something Earthly, something that felt like home. Because I was afraid I might leave here and blast off into the cosmos. And so without thinking my spirit was drawn to call forward the Light of God to manifest as the spirit of Christ Consciousness.

I said aloud:

“Jesus Christ please protect me. Please I am sorry. Please cleanse my spirit I am pure Love.”

Minutes later, I grabbed my phone to see if my mom texted me, and saw a notification that said “You added JESUS as a recipient.” I immediately broke down crying in relief. The Holy Spirit of Love manifested itself as Jesus Christ to hold my hand and cradle me in a warm, Loving embrace, when I was alone and terrified that I’d made a terrible mistake I couldn’t undo.

I then looked up to the television, which I could barely keep oriented enough to watch, and hadn’t watched until this moment, where the Demi-God Maui began to sing a song when he was on the boat with Moana. “Hey it’s okay, it’s okay, you’re welcome. No need to pray, it’s okay, you’re welcome.” I broke down and cried for the Love that was protecting me. It was like I was on the boat in the ocean with Jesus (God manifesting in human form to comfort my human mind) and it sang me to the Light and redemption. Like I was it’s child it was holding and guiding into the Light.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=79DijItQXMM

Because the truth is, in that moment, I didn’t know if I was going to make it this time. Maybe it wasn’t to that level. Maybe it was because I was so intoxicated and also can feel energy so deeply. All I know is, I have some experience with drugs, and I have never in my life felt this way.

All I know is.. everything felt.. different.

All of the moments leading up to it had me intuitively feeling like maybe this was my time. And I have never felt that way before in my life.

I saw through the veil at “Afterlife.” The energies amplifying in these spaces are not always Godly in the Light. They magnify the void that feeds on the hurting. Everyone in black, dark frequencies pulsing from the speakers, massive screens showing humans merging with AI, drug overdoses.. it’s something to think about. I understand art and culture. I love it. I understand dark undertones. But to me, there is a fine line between expressing the shadow and all that has made you who you are, and blindly worshipping/opening your vessel up to dark entities. All I’m saying is — Be vigilant.

I know the dark spirits out there. I have encountered them and have been physically scarred by them. Although I do not fear them, I do not work for them. There is a reason why when I got to that hotel room, I ripped all of my clothes off, threw them in the trash, baptized myself in the water, and cried out to the Light to cleanse me.

The Holy Spirit of God resides in my heart like never before.

After the Moana song, a few minutes later, there were dark spirits dancing in the movie, so I turned it off and rented “Tangled.” Even though I knew I couldn’t keep still or cognitively aware enough to watch it. The very first line of the movie said, “Hi, my name is Flynn, and this is the story of how I died.” I immediately turned the movie off and just went back to laying in the shower.

I kept thinking, oh no.. I may have gotten myself into a mess not even my mom can help me out of this time. I thought.. oh my gosh she is going to be so mad at me. I wondered.. is this how I go out? The paranoia was awful.

I certainly didn’t give those thoughts that would sweep by much attention though. I instinctively knew I had to stay calm, as I continued to surrender to the Light and feel God’s deep, eternal Love holding me.

I sat in prayer naked in the shower rocking back and forth holding my body, singing “I am Light, I am Light,” over and over, the water baptizing my spirit, guiding me back to the Eternal Source of Creation. Back to Love.

I looked down at my body. It seemed so small.. so fragile.. so mortal.. so human. God showed me that if I want to be ungrateful and continue to let my pain consume me in the darkness, rather than transmute it, that the blessing of my breath and existence is fragile and can be taken from me at any moment.

I am a mortal human.

I held my body and promised if it would fight for me, that on the other side of this, I would deeply honor and heal it.

No matter how much water I drank, I felt like I hadn’t drank in days. My tongue was so dry I couldn’t swallow. I was completely dehydrated. In a period of 5–6 hours, I drank 2 whole gallons of water. Mind you I weigh 125 lbs.

I smiled in comfort in the way that God held me by giving me water that said “Pure Life” on it. It’s hard to say for sure, but I genuinely feel that because I prayed and kept my mind on Love, the spirit guided me to Light and healing. Otherwise I may have ended up in the hospital, my biggest fear, which I’ve recently overcome a bit. But who knows. All I know is I have no idea what would have happened had I taken the whole pill of molly, rather than a quarter, and continued to inhale the maximum impact.

Praise God for Redeeming me.

It took feeling like I was physically dying and completely disconnected from God to finally be awakened to my precious Life.

No matter how hard it gets, I want to be here.

I am supposed to be here.

I continued to feel completely disoriented for hour on end and was too afraid to fall asleep. I couldn’t think or see straight. It was like I was in another paradigm. Either way I stood no chance sleeping until later on anyway because whatever was in my system had me all sorts of fucked up. I had a horrible, rancid taste coming from my sinuses and into my mouth.

I had never been so grateful to see the sunrise that next morning.

But it wasn’t over. I experienced extremely intense withdraw from the inhalant. I had a deathly cough. It was intense and horrible. I felt like I was gonna cough my lungs out. And my throat was on fire. It felt like someone had burned a hole in my esophagus.

My nose was running in a way that I’d never seen before and only on one side. It came out of me like a water faucet every time I stood up and it wouldn’t stop. Literally it was like someone just turned a water faucet on and water continuously flowed out.

I was like is this ever going to end? Am I ever going to escape this Hell? The sun has risen, it’s mid afternoon, I’m exhausted, and I still can’t think or see straight. I began to wonder if I was going to need to go to the hospital.

Later the next day, once I finally felt better, I read that these are common withdraw symptoms of the substance for addicts. Which, this was my first time using it..

Every body reacts differently to things. Not everyone will have this much trouble off the bat. But I was walking in suicidal and chronically nutrient deprived with my autoimmunity, which as I said I try to pretend doesn’t exist.

My body isn’t weak. I know that. It is incredibly resilient, despite being more sensitive.

When I was finally able to try to sleep that next night, after 18 hours straight of Hell, I was afraid I wouldn’t wake up. After all of this time begging that God take my life, that feeling was horrible. I felt so stupid and ungrateful for having those thoughts in the past and prayed to God that I be given another chance.

It was heartbreaking.

When I awoke the next morning, I praised God. I finally felt more like myself. It felt like a miracle to me.

Hallelujah.

I got on my hands and knees naked out of bed and bowed in prayer, praising the Holy Spirit for holding me in Warmth and White Light when I needed it the most.

I said to God,

“I am so sorry.

I See now.

I See.”

I held my organs and cried to them, feeling a deeper relationship to their spirit than ever before, and thanked them for fighting for me and their unconditional Love. I promised I would heal them and honor them.

I have died many ego deaths in this lifetime. But this time, God gave me taste of what actual death can feel like when our spirit is disconnected from Love.

I was Born Again, with new eyes.

I went to “Afterlife,” made posts like “See you in the Afterlife,” told people I wanted to “go out in fashion,” and ended up having the most transcendental, life altering experience that brought me back into the Light and Love of God, in a matter of hours, wiping my mind, body, and spirit from years of incessant looping thoughts and urges of suicide.

A Miracle.

Yet the harsh lessons still weren’t over..

A few weeks later, I got another taste. Mind you, I never had experiences like this before in my life, until now. This could have been because I kind of brushed off Afterlife after crying and talking about it with my family in the Keys, and then just went on to business as usual, telling myself I would face what I needed to from it soon. I really didn’t want to think about it. It was traumatic.

But God was like.. Nah, you’re gonna face it Now.

I just so happened to coincidentally be battling symptoms of a possible infection for a month, (which test results came back as negative.) I was sitting by the water feeling the spirit of Gaia and reading messages my parents wrote in a notebook they gave me for Christmas a few years back.

I cried and told God I will honor this existence and all of the sweet blessings I am grateful for. I looked up to the moon, wondering if it was full, as the sun was setting. I discovered the next day, turns out it was. Minutes later, I came over with intense chills. I randomly got a fever. And the sun set into the moonlight.

I’ve never just randomly gotten a fever in my life. I thought “Oh no, it’s too late, something bad is happening. I have a bad infection.” I freaked out. The doctor was closed and I decided to go to the ER, which I have never been so no I’m not a hypochondriac. It was a culmination of potentially alarming physical symptoms and PTSD from the previous experience that landed me there.

I ended up having a full blown panic attack. I started hyperventilating and my arms and legs went completely numb. I felt outside of my body. It didn’t help that my mom had been yelling at me pissed off about the whole thing prior and was telling me I need to get on anxiety meds and I’m suffering. Although in good intention, that shit was not helping. I’ll never get on medications. Lol she tells me in the car on the way there, because she was feeling weird energy too… full moon man. “You know, people who spin fire and hula hoop don’t die.”

I just said “I trust God.” I was fuckin tripping like for real back to back this is happening?? I thought I was dying again.. and it must be for real this time. I was like no God please I am Born Again and I will honor this existence. I thought it was too late to redeem my spirit.

But Hey..

it wasn’t.

I’m still here.

My vitals were fine and as I was fed fluids. Now at least I’m not scared of IV’s. I ended up guiding myself out of it on my own with my own Peace of mind. Seems like I always have to learn life lessons the hard way. Lol

I share this story because I want the world to know how much of a blessing all of this was.

I am not the same. It took meeting what felt to me in those moments as the face of death, to truly rejoice deeply in the blessing of my Life.

I am Born Again.

I want to be here.

I am so grateful to see the Light in the morning and the birds chirping and the water sparkling and glistening in the rays of the Sun. I am so grateful for my soft, mortal Life and the small things that make my spirit feel light and engulfed in the warm embrace of Love. I am safe and I am strong.

This is not a story of weakness.

This is a story of a Warrior.

We are all Warriors.

I have never been abandoned by God. And neither have You. I am so grateful that I now know, no matter how hard it gets, I want to be here. I want to celebrate the time I have left on this Earth.

My mind and spirit have roamed the darkest corners and crevices this realm has to offer. Yet despite it all, I choose Love. I will not let the shadows break my soul. No matter where my spirit walks in this brief blink of the infinite, it will be in honor of Love.

Praise God manifesting before me, holding me like a child, and redeeming my Spirit into the Light.

Please give yourself Grace. We really never know when our last day is. Let’s choose to make the most of it while we’re here.

Despite it all, choose Love.

I Love You.