New poll reveals commuters secretly enjoy metro malfunctions

According to a recent poll, taxpayers across the DMV area (as the District of Columbia and its suburbs in Maryland and Virginia are affectionately called) do not want to see conditions on any of their public transportation systems improved. The poll, conducted by a lobbyist group calling for reform of WMATA, revealed the shocking truth that a strong majority of commuters want the systematic issues within DC’s transportation infrastructure to remain intact.

The strongest support for the current state of affairs came from DMV residents who ride the metro as part of their commute. An astounding 76% of daily metro riders said they would like little to no improvement to metro services. In fact, 12% of those polled said they would like to see conditions on the metro to disintegrate even further.

For many, this sentiment comes from the joy that joking about the metro’s misfortune brings them. 84% of those polled said that poor service on a WMATA bus or train was their top choice for polite conversation when they ran into coworkers in the communal kitchen.

“I can talk about the horrible experiences I’ve had on the metro forever,” answered Greg, an IT consultant, “And if we start sharing stories about things we’ve seen while commuting, I can waste hours and hours of my work day!”

Surprisingly, wasting away working hours seems to be the most important factor causing commuters to welcome the chaos of the DC public transportation system. An astounding 97% of those surveyed stated that they did not want the issues WMATA is facing to be resolved because it would force them to come to work on time.

A majority of DMV residents rated their crumbling transportation as the easiest cop-out excuse when running late to work. “Overslept? Hungover? Just didn’t feel like getting out of bed? It doesn’t matter,” said Brittany, a communications specialist, “you can always blame it on the metro.”

Matt, a DC-based lobbyist explained, “My boss drives to work, so he will never know.”

Other employees noted that their bosses took the metro but also used it as an excuse for tardiness. One DC resident polled even ran into his boss at a coffee shop just moments after they had sent each other simultaneous messages that they were going to be delayed due to single tracking on the Red Line.

Jacob, who commutes from Virginia, said that he had been riding his bike to work for months but pretends to take the metro because he wants to “join in on the jokes” and likes “to sleep in sometimes.”

SafeTrack, which had previously been described as ‘the bane of every DC worker’s existence’ received glowing praise on this survey. Lily, a federal employee, wrote, “SafeTrack allowed me to work from home for days! I loved it! I watched every episode of Grey’s Anatomy.”

Similarly, DC residents stated that they wished to see no improvement in the city’s snow removal services because “snow days are the best” and “it’s the only time I get to see my kids.”