My Vegan Diary

Just happy being vegan!

Before I became a vegan, I was a pathetic suggestion of a human being, face flushed and body pale, truly unfit to behold, not to mention unfit in general. Then I went vegan, and now I feel wonderful all of the time, like my 90s-era battery-powered operating system has been replaced with a ferocious ball of lightning.

Once, when on vacation in California, which by the way is a terrible place to not be a vegan, a pert woman wearing sacrificial whites suggested I try veganism. “It’s easy,” she said. “Just try it,” her cheekbones said. They glowed like sunbeams on terracotta.

I’m not a doctor, but I do subscribe to Mind Body Green’s newsletter, and it’s my understanding that veganism is a superior form of being–it lowers your cortisol levels I think. If you’re reading this and you’re vegan, damn, you probably look great! Look at how little cortisol you have! If you’re reading this and not a vegan, I am so sorry, you pathetic suggestion of a human being. I am hoping my story will help you access this greater valence of life.

DAY 1

To be honest, the first morning of being vegan was tough, until I realized I could replace my Trix cereal and whole milk with Trix cereal and oat milk. Totally vegan. Do you want to hear something absolutely deranged? It was BETTER than my original, non-vegan breakfast.

For lunch, I packed a totally vegan lunch of 14 Oreos and a glass of vegan wine. It’s true that vegan food can be kind of bland, but I actually found this to be quite a balanced and satisfying meal — the sweetness of the Oreos and the pungent, acidic wine was like a symphony in my mouth. I picked a vegan red blend. I recommend going to the wine store and asking for their vegan selections.

But it is the plight of the vegan to face persecution for our choices, and I was only two Oreos in when my boss delivered some unsolicited diet advice. “Brennan, you can’t drink [vegan] wine at your desk for lunch,” she said. I had to calmly remind her that even in a city like New York, it’s not easy to find vegan options that are cost-effective. I had to say, Jenny, please, I think you are reacting to nothing. I think your cortisol levels are really high. I didn’t say, maybe you should try being a vegan, but I wanted to!

For dinner, I was out of Oreos, so I finished the bottle of vegan red, and I felt amazing. I was seized by a kind of dizzy, happy feeling. I call this “Vegan’s High” — like a runner’s high, but caused by being vegan. A side effect is that you sometimes wake up in places that are not the bed you fell asleep in, and your mouth is dry.

I wake up all sorts of places since becoming vegan. Sometimes on the floor of my kitchen, with half a loaf of vegan baguette in my hand. Sometimes in my shower, under a torrent of once-hot water, in all of my clothes. Once I was awoken standing up in my roommate’s bedroom, completely unawares of how I got there. Zany! It’s like I have so much new energy vibrating through my veins that my body can hardly wait for my brain to wake up before it starts getting into mischief.

DAY 2

What’s for breakfast? Thank you for asking. I’m thinking a bowl of guacamole, multigrain chips, a vegan blood orange margarita. Most chips are, of course, vegan, but I prefer the multigrain variety because they’re healthier. The blood orange margaritas are so delicious, I have two more!

For lunch I have–you guessed it!–Oreos and wine. My Vegan High continues throughout the day, liquefying the edges of my perspective. I smile at every stranger I see.

Can’t remember what I had for dinner, but it must have been powerfully vegan meal, because my fridge door had been ripped clean off its hinges, and the contents of my vegan fridge are now scattered about my kitchen floor, where I find myself laying naked, wearing my roommate’s underwear and little else! I have tapped into an astounding energy source!

DAY 3

Honestly, this one was a blur!

DAY 4

Being vegan isn’t for everybody — especially if you lack self-control. Thanks to my iron will, it’s easy. (For me specifically.) If you think you can do it, by all means, give it a shot. I’ve actually quite kindly assembled a grocery list of some of my favorite vegan snacks to start you off.

Animal crackers (you would think they wouldn’t be allowed, by they are!)

Tomatoes

Essential oils

Peanut butter

Vegan wine

Vegan blood orange margaritas

Tomato sauce

Vegan Suntory Japanese whiskey

Prosciutto (Italian)

But seriously, this is not easy stuff. It’s OK to take little breaks if you need. After the first week, I was winded, so I promised myself I could eat non-vegan foods, like steak and mozzarella cheese, on the weekends. But even on my non-vegan days, I always save room for a little vegan wine, as a treat to myself. In fact, I think I’ll have some right now.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Brennan Kilbane

Brennan Kilbane

:~)

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