Waiting at the end of the road…
Navigating the complexities of parenting adult children can be challenging, especially when it comes to setting boundaries. Children’s movies play a significant role in shaping young minds and imparting valuable life lessons. In recent years I have noticed, a prevalent theme has emerged in children’s movies: the philosophy of loving children unconditionally(Not Bad), regardless of their choices and the values and the investments made by the parents. I think this has been a common theme in kid’s movies for a while, but more lately, it seems that they have also been challenging the boundaries of the parents with kids rebelling and the parents often portrayed as not understanding and being controlling.
While unconditional love is great, you may find that as you go from being a kid watching these films to a parent your views may change. Especially as some of the attitudes could actually be destructive to the kid. Too often you and I may feel like passive parenting has become the norm.
“A parent who is too passive is like a tree that has no roots. The child will eventually fall and be damaged” Unkown
Nowhere is this more true than when parenting adult kids. Where do parents draw the line with adult kids?
Today we will explore two thought-provoking conclusions I have come to: the difference between Christian and non-believer parents when adult children walk away, and the distinction between rich and poor parents in maintaining boundaries. Let’s delve into these topics, drawing upon biblical references, societal observations, and statistical data.
There is a difference between Christian and Non-Believing Parents:
This should go without saying, but as you raise teens that may have not decided to follow Christ the pressure will be there for you to parent the way of those who do not believe in the way. When adult children walk away from their faith or make choices contrary to biblical principles, Christian parents may face a unique struggle. It is important for these parents to understand that they should not compromise God’s standards in an attempt to accommodate their children and the pressure will be there.
There are two things we are urged to do as Christian parents:
1. Obey and Trust God as Parents:
- “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6, ESV)
This verse is a charge with a promise that we have to believe in. Our kids are smart-ish, they will figure out a lot if they are told the truth. What made the prodigal son come to his senses? It was the truth that life as a servant of his father, under the boundaries he fled from was better than the rock bottom he found. The parable of the prodigal son offers valuable insights as well.
2. Let Them Go and Wait
- “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him.” (Luke 15:20, ESV)
The prodigal son’s father demonstrated unconditional love but maintained boundaries by not joining or enabling his son in his reckless lifestyle. Christian parents can draw inspiration from this story, showing love and forgiveness when change is seen while also setting safe limits for their household based on biblical principles.
Difference between Rich and Poor Parents:
As I processed this topic on my own I began to see a second striking commonality within this pressure to just let your kids be free and accept the outcome no matter what. Socioeconomic disparities can influence the dynamics of parenting and boundary-setting and should not be ignored.
To say it more plainly I often see this new parenting standard coming from the wealthy and the affluent the most.
Parents from privileged backgrounds may have more resources, so raising children comes more at the right life stages, and is less overall costly, stressful, and sacrificial than to lesser income parents. However, this philosophy of loving your children no matter how they spend your investments can become a phenomenon known as “keeping up with the Joneses/Kardashians,” where parents are pressured to take on the same focus and strategies as the wealthier class with their children even though they do not have the same financial safety nets if their kids make bad choices. This is a problem because our children are little humans we have invested the largest section of our lives, the largest amount of money, and may have even given up on personal dreams and outcomes for their kids.
If most parents are honest, they want their kids to take the opportunities afforded them by their parent’s life and sacrifices and invest those well. You will see this in cultures outside of the U.S. and with immigrant families a lot in the U.S. I enjoy working with immigrant students trying to get access to higher education more than most American citizens. The students take advantage of the opportunities to better their life and their parents even though the process is new and hard, they back me up. It is essential to consider the impact of enabling bad behaviors in our kids even if they are adults and the consequences they may have on our children’s future.
Either way, the truth is that parents from both socioeconomic backgrounds often face the realities of their kids entering the drug and homelessness epidemic.
- Statistical Data: According to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, on a single night in January 2020, there were an estimated 580,466 people experiencing homelessness in the United States.
- Additionally, the National Institute on Drug Abuse reports that drug overdose deaths reached a record high of 93,331 in 2020.
The difference is that the affluent who are superimposing this philosophy as the new stylish parenting have access to more than one property that their kids can go to. If their kids become addicted to controlled substances they can pay for the best rehabs where their kids can stay for the necessary amount of time to recover fully. They can even afford several relapses. The poorer parents will be in a much more helpless position as they watch their kids suffer.
These statistics highlight the urgency for parents to exercise discernment and set boundaries in the face of societal challenges. While it may seem difficult, parents cannot afford to adopt a “whatever you do is fine with me” attitude when their children’s well-being and future are at stake.
It also begs the question can we really afford to?
Establishing boundaries with adult children requires wisdom, love, and discernment. Christian parents must remain steadfast in upholding God’s standards, trusting in God’s plan for their children’s lives. The parable of the prodigal son reminds us of the importance of unconditional love alongside boundaries that uphold the truth.
Furthermore, socioeconomic disparities, the drug epidemic, and homelessness demand that parents carefully consider the impact of enabling behaviors. Statistical data reinforces the need for parents to exercise discernment and set boundaries to protect their children from the devastating consequences of these societal challenges.
As we navigate the complexities of parenting, let us seek God’s guidance, recognizing the balance between unconditional love and setting boundaries that foster growth, responsibility, and a hopeful future for our adult children and give “Good gifts”.
Matthew 7:9–12 “If your children ask for bread, which of you would give them a stone? Or if your children ask for a fish, would you give them a snake? Even though you are bad, you know how to give good gifts to your children.
