Rio Day 8 and 9 — Goodbye Phelps, Hello Bolt

The weekend was so full of Olympics!!!!! More medals rained down, and so did the winter Rio skies. The diving pool changed colors and some American swimmers had a run in with banditos. And finally, athletics — aka “Track and Field” to you Americans — got underway….

But sadly, Olympic swimming finished its epic run.

It was good while it lasted…

U r gonna miss us more than we will miss u

Long Live the King

He’s not coming back. This is it. His final time. He feels complete. Yes, we are talking about golf legend Justin Rose ….

JK guys. It’s Michael Phelps, aka #2 GOAT.

As Leslie Jones put it #TeamUSA swimming “made that pool their bitch.”

TeamUSA’s dominance in the swimming pool was complete on Saturday with 4 final races. Two USA silvers in the womens 50 free and mens 1500m free events and then the two showcase 4 x 100 IM relays. USA won BOTH the Men’s and Women’s relay… Phelpsie was of course on that final relay team (swimming butterfly) and took to the medal stand for one final time. Tears were flowing but he was all smiles too.

So what does the GOAT of the whole world ever of all time do now???? Retire with $55 million net worth?

One theory floated by the Onion, is that MP will take up residency at Sea World where visitors can meet him in his natural environment daily.

(Note: you shouldn’t go to SEA WORLD.)

We got some real answers from the legend himself on Sunday when Michael went on Facebook live.

MP takes to FB

Social media is changing the way we consume events like The Olympics, and diminishing NBC’s ability to control us! We can stream events LIVE, long before they are interspersed between ads on NBC. Even better, we have what can feel like personal access to athletes and their Olympic experiences via Snapchat and Instagram and Tweeter etc etc.

On Sunday, Phelpsis did a Facebook Live chat, and more than one person saw me watching and asked if I was “skyping with MP?” First of all, Skype? Ummm, no. Who uses that still? Second of all, the quality of Q&A was far superior to most of the interviews we’ve witnessed from NBC’s crackerjack team. Somewhere they have a giant box of “How did you feel about that race?” interview note cards.

On Faceplace, MP fielded questions from fans about things like: What is your daily Rio routine like? What do you eat while in Rio? Which roomie is the smelliest? What are you listening to in your star-spangled headphones? And everyone’s favorite question: What are you going to do NEXT?

MP had good and interesting answers for all of these things. Lots of pasta. He likes EDM music pre-race. And he wants to work on swim safety and swimming education for kids. He also explained how he feels more comfortable in the water than on the land which has been confirmed by his team mates who tell us that “he is a terrible dancer,” and although he loves golf, “he’s not very good at that either.”

Now that swimming events are done, all the swimmers are relaxed while NBC is parading them around. It would be easier just to give them their own show.

MP Stats

The media wanted to mark the end of Phelps-times by bombarding us with statistics and facts about our swimming legend.

If Michael Phelps was a country, he would be worth $55 million and have more medals than 108 other nations. Good to know!

Yeah but not that good at golf so..

Also, if you stack all MP’s medals on top of each other, well you’re really good at building things that balance. Also, he could swim past those in 0.00000001 secs.

His medals are taller than him.

Who Will Fill Our Swimming Hole?

Now that swimming is done and team and all-around gymnastics gone, what are we left to look forward to? We have to fill our prime-time viewing hole with Athletics (Translation: Track & Field). That’s good because NBC has devoted about 205,789,892.34 hours of coverage to races that last either 8.9 seconds or 47 minutes.

We found out that Olympic running shoes are required to be either highlighter yellow or bright gold. Yellow/Gold = fast.

Yellow Nikes are the fastest of all shoes

Speaking of shoes, one fast woman from Ethiopia ran her 3000m steeplechase heat, lost her damn shoe and girl just kept going. She finished the race with only ONE SHOE. What did you do this weekend?

BOLT Wants to be the GOAT

Jamaican fast-guy Usain Bolt walked into the stadium Saturday and everyone lost their shit. Dude is speedy and makes it look easy.

He ran his first qualifying race and smiled for the camera during, and then the internet did its thing:

Later he ran fast again and earned his 3rd consecutive Olympic gold in 100m dash in just 9.81 seconds making him “the fastest man alive.” He broke about 1000 records by doing this and everyone was happy.

He celebrated by posing for a picture with his son:

This sparked a debate about which one of the Gods of the Rio Olympics is more of a GOAT.

Phelps GOAT or Bolt GOAT? Pls vote.

Why is Olympic Golf a Thing

Over at the “Olympic Golf Course” — three words that shouldn’t really be spoken in sequence — Jaco Van Syl (no idea how to pronounce that: JOCK-oh-van-Shill?) made a HOLE IN ONE. This was the SECOND such shot, as Justin Rose of Brexit made a similar eagle shot on Wednesday.

You would think they would go nuts. A hole-in-one would even get a crazy dance on any mini golf course, but in Olympic golf, they barely do an arm raise. Could this sport be any less exciting?

Also lets be real, Jaco Van Syl sounds like a Harry Potter villain professor’s name.

Rio Oopsie of the Day

On Sunday morning, some clever bandits disguised themselves as police officers and intercepted a taxi full USA swimmers returning from a “party.” Guess who was inside??? Our boy Ryan LOCHTE! Lucky for them, the bandits just wanted cashola. So at gun point, they took the wallets and whatever cash they had were taken. Lochte told us “they didn’t take my credential or cel phone.” Awwe, no one wants to steal your identity Ryan. :(

Its also possible these bandits were just very very aggressive pin traders and were hoping to get some really rare Olympic pins.

Blue Pool is Finally Back!!!

Also this weekend, the Rio organizers disappeared the yuck-o water from the Diving and Synchro/Water Polo pools.

The green newly-formed chemical compounds water was pumped somewhere into Rio’s waterways, while the water from practice pools was used to replace the green kind.

Brazils top pool boys in action

Both pools are FRESH and CLEAR and the judges can now see what sort of dishonest activities those shady sychro swimmers are doing underwater.

Olympic diver emerges from the pool


On Saturday night, we FINALLY got to see what Leslie Jones has be up to when she visited Ryan Seacrest’s beach set in late night. Lesdogg told us about her adventures cheering for everyone everywhere and saying “SLAY ALL DAY.” This was the best late night segment so far. How does she still have a voice?

Sadly, Lesdoggg has to return to NYC to do important comedy work, so we are back to having to entertain ourselves again. Save us Ryan Seacrest!

Thanks for making Rio fun gurl

Bye Phelpsie, Bye Lesdogg, bye all the other swimmers. Thanks for all the medals. We will miss you!

Still one more week of Olympics ahead. Don’t give up in this middle part. There’s still more fun news coming out of Rio!

(Shoutout to my friends for sending me some good memes. If u see any, send them over.)