The Unknown Secret About Cousins

Often as you get older family history and heritage becomes important as a means of finding your identity…

… most people grew up with a passel of cousins always around having fun

this branch of the Rich family was cousin free… of late, we’ve discovered what we were missing …

It’s a pretty familiar occurrence for folks reaching their middle age to develop a curiosity about their family genealogy, heritage and history. I believe this has a great deal to do with Maslow’s concept of self actualization of not just recognizing your individual contributions your life made to the world, but also identifying what made you who you’ve become. Taking the time to learn about your history and heritage can help you understand how the human you are and what was unique about your path in life. In fact, learning about one’s historical lineage and heritage is in fact a great way to find not just an individual identity but to become part of a collective identity.

Every family has that uncle, aunt or grandpa that can rattle off story after story about what great great grandmother did while moving out west, or how our auntie was the first to graduate college or where our family came from in the old country. We had such an uncle: Solomon Howard … yes, Solomon, but we called him Uncle Howard (thank goodness) The eldest of my dad’s family had done extensive, immense research and documentation of the Rich family history all without the aid of the internet…. he did it the old fashioned way by visiting court houses and libraries. It was a monumental effort that paid off on warm summer nights in Georgia sitting on my grandfather’s front porch in Blue Ridge. He would regale my brother, sister and me with stories of our great grandfather who was a Civil War hero, about how Uncle Charlie lost his arm or how Rich Mountain became so named.

I was already a budding historian and his stories drew me in like a moth to flame as the magic flowed long into the night until sleep became irresistible. If our family had a patriarch, it was Uncle Howard … way over there in Georgia or North Carolina where our other uncles, aunts and cousins lived. We lived in Texas far from family reunions and easy access to the cache of family stories. We grew up with out cousins; all our friends would spend summers with their cousins or go fishing or some such… Cindy, Brian and I did without. My mother’s sister had no children…so no cousins there and my mother’s extended family of uncles, aunts and cousins were all much older and spoke a lot of Spanish, we didn’t speak so well, so hanging out with the cousins of that side of the family didn’t happen much.

As events turned out, my father was the only one of his siblings who would have male children to carry on the Rich name and all its stories. I often emailed and called Uncle Howard about his research and over the years he mailed voluminous amount of research on hard copy. Dad and I talked often about the family history and I’m sure he did as well with my brother. Our sister had passed away and her son… well he was very much a unique, march to the beat of his own drum individual and moved off. When dad died in 2012, my brother and I realized we were the men… we were the patriarchs of not just the Texas Rich’s but of all of it as we were the only males to carry on the name. In this current era, patriarch, patriarchal and patriarchy can carry negative connotations, but the term is used in the classical sense of being the male head of a family just as my wife’s mother was considered the matriarch of her family being the eldest surviving member of her family. The cousin question came back into play from long ago. We didn’t grow up with cousins, how was this all going to play out? Lo and behold, nature had given our families a passel of cousins to look out for. I had three sons with two granddaughters and a grandson; my brother had two sons and a daughter with a grandson, granddaughter and two step sons and my sister had a son. What do you know? Instant big extended family and I became the family storyteller… not a paying gig, but a cool gig nonetheless.

This discovery of the immense value of cousins is a pretty recent development for me. My wife grew up with a very close knit family where aunts and cousins were just part of the landscape while being a kid. In so many instances, they were her best friends and close confidants. My children were equally blessed as my wife and her sister carried on a “partners in crime” kinship all their lives. They were true sisters and friends and it was apparent that their kids would be just as close. Their relationships were awesome; my three sons and my sister in law’s son and daughter carried out a fun, sarcastic, humorous, “always there for you” relationship that made every thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, birthday, family reunion, get together… what have you, a new chance to pick, tease and enjoy each other. I can’t imagine my boys lives without their cousins from Jersey Village.

True, my brother lived in Houston with his kids as well, but as I’ve mentioned before in pre ious blog entries, our family growing up had its share of dysfunction and overcoming all of those obstacles “weren’t too easy.” His sons came up for summers and saw each other on some holidays, but the bonds were tested once my dad got sick from cancer in 1998. The get togethers became less frequent as coupled with my sisters tragic passing in 2004, there was always a kind of shadow that was avoided. Dad’s battle with cancer ended in 2012 and the closeness had already been diminished by that and my oldest son joining the Marines and brother’s oldest joining the Army. It seemed an opportunity for “cousinism”had been lost. (ALERT: I made that word up on the fly)

If we’ve learned anything over the last three years is that bad times can be just as certain as the sun rising. My mother died in 2018 and for the first time in a long time the remaining Rich’s were together; at a funeral yes, but together. Besides the sad reason for our getting together, it was awesome watching Josh, Cory, Brendan, Erik, Matt and Lauren flock together and talk with not just people with the same last name but with fellow members of the same generation… millennials, Gen Z, ABCD, whatever, the Rich’s were carrying on … cousins… what do you know?

The Rich generation 2.0 of cousins have gone through a renewing of bonds that would’ve made solemn Solomon smile. Three of the cousins were married from 2019–2020. All of the cousins gathered for my son Brendan’s wedding in August of ‘19 and my nephew’s son, Asher, gave everyone a dance lesson that will be remembered far into the future. We all gathered for Matt’s wedding in March of ‘20 which, for many of us, was our last chance to let our hair down before the pandemic hit us in full fury. Just as for Brendan’s wedding, every cousin made a concerted effort to be there and celebrate with Matt and Rachel … oh, and we got to drink a lot both times. My oldest remarried in October of ‘20. It was quite a drive from Houston to Prosper, but the cousins made it and my heart was especially touched as my brother’s grandson Asher, got to meet my granddaughters Payton and Sadie. If anything was certain, my dad, wherever he might be, had a full heart. The friendship, closeness, generational commonalities were happening… something that I, Brian and Cindy lacked that would’ve made the dysfunction of growing up a little more functional.

The bond was cemented just recently over tragedy which is often the case. My nephew Matt passed away in a car accident in February. Too much thought has been given to the devastation of this loss, but something moving occurred that I think helped my brother through his loss. My oldest, Joshua, drove from Dallas to Magnolia only to have to turn around to go back after the service. He did some serious juggling to get there, but remarked to us in a most heartfelt manner, that nothing would’ve stopped him. My son Brendan coaches the Athens boys varsity soccer team and they had a game the morning of the funeral. He coached and jumped in his truck to drive three hours to Magnolia to share broken hearts with family. I mention this because their effort, just as Matt and Cory’s effort to be at their weddings, was born out of a shared need to care for family. My brother needed validation that Matt was special, and his nephews moving obstacles to extend comfort was more valuable to him than I could’ve imagined. Whatever roadblocks had been set between Joshua Rich, Cory Rich, Brendan Rich, Erik Rich,Lauren Rich and step bro Andrew Carr (Rich) had their roadblocking asses forever kicked.

Buddha says, the sadness and joy are sides of the same coin, and our hearts are encouraged to know that these cousins will share future celebrations and get togethers, holidays and sorrows; but most importantly they are friends that share a common history, a common lineage and a common need for family. This “cousin thing” is fantastic because it’s very often a bond beyond mere obligation but one of effort and devotion and love. The thought that Asher, Lynnox, Payton, Sadie, Greyson and other future Rich’s will form an additional generation of friends and “partners in crime” gives us a sense of confidence for the future and reinforces Maslow’s concept of the need to see our contribution. Bright times ahead …bright times indeed.

“Bright Times” by Brent Rich

A tribute to my sister Cindy

Walls close at a rapid pace

dark falls before my face

An empty heart stands still

hope hardens to a chill

Mind slips back to a bright time

life was good and full of rhyme

where is it at where did it go

just down the path not far below

I live my life and this I learn

with my pain brightness earn

I know bright IS and where it will go

In my life’s path not far below