Some Kinky Shit
My second year of college. I’m living in a triple dorm with two people; one is a friend that had gone to elementary school with me and I reconnected with at college, and the other is a friend of hers from the city she moved to after elementary. The very first thing, after the basic “Hi, I’m _____” ’s, this new roomie and I breached the what-you-should-know-if-you’re-living-with-me facts. I told him that I had this box of toys meant for me and my boyfriend at the time, that it had some interesting items in it, and if he needed a condom or something he should feel free to grab one. I was generous like that. He responded with “Oh honey, we are gonna get along just fine…” This was my introduction to the kink community in Bellingham and what would eventually become the Bellingham Sex Positive Center.
This new roomie of mine introduced me not only to the idea of a kink community, but to the community itself. Now, I keep saying ‘community’, but I want to make sure you know what I mean when I say it. By “kink community”, I mean a gathering of like-minded kinksters that numbers more than yourself and your possibly-willing-to-experiment-with-you significant other, which was my case at the time. Coming from a small-ish town like Puyallup, I never knew there was a “kink community” outside of creepy dungeon porn sites until I got to Western. And then I saw just how similar the Bellingham BDSM community was to say, a club, or any social group, or (god forbid I make this analogy) a church community. When I say community, I simply mean a group of people of all ages (over 18) that gather in a given venue and atmosphere to talk, practice, or learn about the safe ways to scratch that itch that the rest of our society tells us is just plain wrong.
You see, when people see the word “kink”, generally they think of bad things. This is mostly because of the negative and simply untrue ways the subject has been represented in the past. Back in the dark ages of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-II (DSM-II), sexual sadism and masochism were labeled under the ‘personality disorders’ tab. This was around the same time lobotomies were in style, and “neurosis” was still a popular diagnosis. As such, to this day people tend to put the BDSM community in the same context as weirdos, deviants, and Satanists- the place where no sane, civil person would be. That just isn't true.
The first event I ever went to was a rope lab, where I and that same roommate learned for the first time how to properly tie a partner up. This was a non-sexual, fully clothed event where we learned and practiced a skill each person there could take home and practice in more sensual ways, or just for the fun of it. To the open minded person, this was a wonderful learning experience. My roommate and I, still close friends but never romantically involved, would practice the knots on ourselves and each other, just because it was fun, not because it got us hot and bothered. We just enjoyed the experience and the community that came with it.
But, before that first rope lesson even started, the instructors, a lovely couple new to the area and eager to share their experience and knowledge, talked about consent first and foremost. Now here is a lesson I think the rest of the world can learn from the kink community, a lesson that could possibly even start to reverse the impact rape culture has on our lives. Consent is the cardinal rule of BDSM. You make sure your prospective partner is willing to try what you would like to try with them. Even if this partner is your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, or even someone you just met; even if you've done this particular scene thousands of times with a partner, or it’s for the first time. You make it clear and you make it verbally understood what you want to do, and what you refuse to do. Only when consent was understood by all did the instructors begin on the safety aspect; that rope is edge play, it is dangerous and can cause life-altering injury if done wrong or if you and your partner aren't communicating.
Communication is another lesson the world could learn from kink. You always have a way to communicate a safe word or gesture. Always. In the example of rope, there can be permanent and severe nerve damage if you tie too tight or on top of a nerve bundle. A bottom has to be able to tell their Top if there’s sudden loss of feeling, otherwise they could lose feeling permanently. That’s why rope is edge play. Communication is a huge part of BDSM relationships not only within the scenes for safety, but outside of them as well for satisfaction. Because there are such intense physical sensations, there are usually intense emotions and psychological reactions running through the scene as well. Oftentimes, a bottom or sub will experience an endorphin and adrenaline high during and after a scene, taking them into what is affectionately called “sub space”. Without proper aftercare, they can violently drop back to normal levels, sometimes leading to a depressive state. Because of these intense physical and emotional connections, it can be extremely dangerous to keep any thoughts or reactions pent up. That’s why most couples after a scene will debrief and talk about what just happened, what they felt, and telling each other what they need to be completely fulfilled.
Another facet of communication in BDSM is that everyone involved is always listened to. If a safe word is called, everything comes to a dead halt. That is one of my biggest issues with the so-called novel Fifty Shades of Grey. There is a scene in which the main character calls a safe word, and the titular character ignores it. At that very moment, the scene went from a kinky experiment with some age play between a naïve girl and an experienced man, to rape. Plain and simple. No matter what you may have said before the scene began, if a partner does not stop at the safe word, that is rape. Period. End of story. This is something that is understood and respected in the Bellingham BDSM community, and just about all of the kink community as a whole. Don’t get me wrong, there are some people who join the community for the wrong reasons. There are always bad apples, but we dislike them just as much as you do.
A final lesson that I believe the world could take from kink is the understanding and open-mindedness that is part and parcel of the community, especially here in Bellingham. My favorite mantra I've learned from my friends in the community is “My Kink is Not your Kink, and That’s OK”. There is no one true way to do kink, and that’s part of why I love it so much. You can be gay, straight, bi, queer, trans, Top, bottom, Dom, sub, switch, old, young, whatever. And no one, in the Bellingham community at least, will judge you for that. For example, I have personally never understood age play. I’m just not into that sort of thing, but hey! Whatever! My kink is not your kink. You do what you love, and I’ll do what I love. It’s that simple.
If everyone could just see the wonderful concepts and meet the wonderful people that come out of this community, and try to get away from the idea that ‘kink’ is synonymous with ‘bad’, I truly believe relationships the world over could benefit from getting at least a little kinky.
