My character is in question. I guess that’s a good thing to look at. We decided it would be better if I just let things lie. I want to do the right things, I do. But I’m being told to just wait. Wait until things are more solidified. My sponsor says if you want more of the same, keep talking to her. If you want to feel what you’ve felt keep going back. I don’t want that. I want everyone to be healthy. More of the same?
I can’t even begin to quantify what that means. I know if I’m different then more things around me will change as well. I need a different experience. A new one. Period.
I love love love that woman. But I’m not the best at showing it. I have to take a long look at me and let her go be with someone she can grow with. Can a reality be any more shitty? I can think of things worse than her finding happiness. That’s what loving her means today. Her happiness. My happiness?
My happiness is about finishing school. Finding my purpose in this world. Finding a voice that can speak to many. A voice that can and will change the current conscious. I guess I’ll have to broaden my base. Be a whole lot more teachable. Be a lot more kind and giving. Find the generosity I’ve left somewhere back there. I’m going to have to learn humility and be a bit more humble. Maybe somewhere along the line love will find me. I pray it does.
Lord, here I am. My heart is a disaster beating in my chest. These tears are finally streaming and coming to cleanse me. Please cleanse me. I’m here at Your feet. Please remove the heaviness and help me in the path You’ve chosen. Please continue to protect her. Please Lord, help her to her feet. My daughter Lord, please keep her. Closest to You. Thank You
In Jesus name Amen.
“The blame is not the important part of the Law, only obedience to it” — — Moses in the Wild