“Feelings are the cruelty of your inner visionary” — — Moses in the Wild
Has my heart become corrupt? The constant pull of the road. Just leave. Just get it together and leave already. That’s my mind’s go to phrase. I feel so tragically flashed to dead. I am not dead. I am not.
These moments I am in constant prayer because without it, i feel, things I don’t want to feel.
But after today comes another day. And if I’m diligent that day will lead to another. No alcohol. No drugs. I’m resentful of those that can numb themselves. I have to fight for my life. They are still living their lives running away.
No running. I wanted this to end. Your denial is proof of the reason. I’ll continue and one day it’ll hurt less. One day I’ll find something more. I’ll be something less broken. Someone with a sense of how to be honest about the shit in my life. Someday that will be a truth for everyone. For now, I must use my strength and end the corruption of the spirit.
I can’t do it alone.
I won’t have to. I’m in this til the end. I will be better, and it won’t matter that I was this way. I have faith. Not a numbing agent.
I cannot pick up. I will not be on a wheel of self abuse. I will not abuse others. But I will tell every person I can of the person I become.