I’ve been asked to become far more honest than I’ve ever been. My sponsor is asking me to start at the first drink and chronicle the millions of subsequent drink on paper. I have to identify the moment things became unmanageable. Jump right in. This isn’t a suggestion. I think this is intensive work. It is incredibly personal so it should reveal a great deal about who I am. This is the work. Work on yourself they say. Well this is that work, and it won’t be easy.
I have to start from the beginning. My sponsor is trying to save my life…. It’s important I do the same. I’m shocked that I haven’t realized completely, like an adult, that I’m not trying to get sober or be sober. I’m not trying to win the heart of someone I betrayed or love, no matter how much I want to. I’m saving my life. When put that way…. I’m going to save my life.
“Listen to the vessel”, “embrace the direction.” In short do it. I feel as if I’ve said this before. Saying is not doing so it bears repeating.
God doesn’t call the able, he enables the called.
A friend is working to get her child back. It’s a process and when we discussed it my codependent habits rose to the surface. I thought “I need to help this woman”. We discussed the facts as she knew them. We corrected perceptions and found that it would take a few small miracles to fall in place … miracles or money. We talked for a while. We talked about hiring a private investigator. We talked and at the end we discovered that we were leaving out prayer and reflection. Old habits die hard, self will had taken over.
It’s important to stop at times and truly give an issue to a higher authority. When we take matters into our own hands we are setting off a series of events that may give us the result we want, but also some consequence we didn’t want. We have to be careful.
For the first time in my adult life I realized that this might be something to pray on, and not just pray and follow my intention but to pray and listen for an answer. I realized my limitation. My ego in check I decided I’m not God.
Praying and listening for an answer is a step toward wise behavior, wise decision. Who other than God could provide an answer? The question of what to do and when to do it? The question of how to do it? …all premature questions. I’m going to pray for her and pray for His will. It’s a dialogue so I’ll be praying for clear direction. Once I’ve asked I’m going to wait for an answer. Of course doing the leg work and helping others this way has it’s own rewards but I’m beginning to realize I do a lot of things from a selfish position. Helping her would make me feel good. Helping her would endear her to me. But I have to be honest. I have zero idea how to help her. I’m not sure if I’m in her life to help her. I have to ask for help. It’s a good idea if I want to save my life that I check my intentions often. This work, examining one’s own life, is incredibly humbling. I listened. I’ll pray on it and wait. If it is to be…it will.
The other lesson that spoke to me today is about how I use the scripture. Am I using the scripture for selfish ends? Am I asking the right question in my reflection of the scripture? And finally am I allowing the Word to remain as it is written or do I attach context from my limited experience changing the way it was intended?
These questions are all worth asking. It is a great value to be careful with people. I am not God. God is God. Its important when giving ourselves to Him that we allow Him to have us completely. This gift of Love in relationship will help us to have that gift of Love in relationship with others. I can give my all to someone, but if I haven’t learned to Love, what am I actually giving them? A broken version of what was intended from my birth. A changed interpretation of the Word, and it’s message. A false prophecy.
We have the power to think we have power. It is only by submitting to our limits that we learn to be qualified by God. He will bless and honor those that ask. He has qualified sinners and provides the clean beginning for anyone that seeks it. Does everything start and end with God? Yes and it should. God is the foundation. What strength is in the weak and dying flesh? What strength is in the answer and solution to the dying flesh?
The only life worth living is leaning on the solution and strength provided by the Holy Spirit.
Lastly on this day of greeting card thanks I have to make sure my attitude towards the Word is of the Spirit. I pray prosperity for all, still, it’s easy to point fingers casting the first stone, as if I am the judge. It hard to remain objective and open minded, when casting the first stone. I’m talking about ego and charismatic double talk. I want to be careful. Words have power and I want to be in line with His Word. It is His word not mine. I am not God.
Today is the day I threw away the concept of being God or even a God. I’m not a king, I’m a servant. I am not fit to be called Lord, I am a vessel waiting to be emptied. I must do the work first so that then I can be filled.
I pray this message be encouragement for anyone struggling with letting go. Letting go through prayer and meditation is key. It is work to let go. It is work to reconcile. It is work to start over. Taking the steps to find wise answers is work. It is worthwhile to jump right in embrace the direction. The embrace is a step toward healthy. The wisdom comes from listening. It is a tremendous result of that embrace.