Sexually Confused or Just Tired of Being Gay?

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

The other night I was sitting home alone with the dogs while my family was sleeping at a hotel. So, the kitchen became my jungle and I was free to walk around naked and masturbate wherever I wanted (sorry not sorry Mom and Dad). I sat at the kitchen table and began to look up porn. Suddenly, I had an urge to look up straight porn and see if envisioning myself on top of the girl would arouse me. To my surprise, it did and I felt very sexually confused about it. After the fact, I had been anxious for days to the point where I’m just now asking myself some pretty complex questions:

1. Am I actually sexually confused?
2. Was I aroused because the thought of being inside a vagina was something new and exciting to me?
3. At the same time, I still wanted the man inside of me and not her, so what does it all mean?
4. Am I tired of being gay and looking for a way out of something beyond my control?
5. Could it be that my insecurities as a gay man are haunting in disguise as sexual confusion?

My Sexuality Growing Up

At four years old, I began comprehending the purpose of my penis and started crushing on some of my peers as a young child would. However, unlike “normal” kids, my crushes were on Ken the doll and JC Chasez from NSYNC. At that point, chasing boys to give them kisses on the playground was not sexual confusion but natural for me. However, to my surroundings, it was anything but acceptable and natural; that affected me.

As I began to comprehend homophobia at a young age, I buried all of my feelings inside my subconscious. Instead, I focused on the playground, getting good grades in school, and watching Saturday morning cartoons. In fact, I prioritized cartoons over fantasizing on kissing my big bad bullies. It wasn’t until the 4th grade when I had a wet dream about my science teacher, Mr. Kelly, that all old feelings came back tormenting me. After that, my “normal” ate at my adolescent soul and I felt painfully unsure of myself.

I Forced Myself to Like Girls

During middle school, I struggled with shuffling between forcing myself to like girls and trying to not masturbate thinking about my gym coach. In the daytime, I would humiliate myself desperately trying to get a classmate girlfriend. At night, my ritual masturbation of fantasizing about my violin teacher manhandling me left me crying after cumming. Deep inside I knew I was sexually confused and the sexual confusion tasted like poison.

Within due time of fully forcing myself, I became somewhat attracted to a few girls. The thought of a moist, wet vagina and giving a woman a screaming orgasm turned me on. At the same time, those feelings paled in comparison to how much I wanted a man deep inside me, making me scream and moan.

Yet, finally, at fifteen years old, I had my first boyfriend and it was magical.

My first experience with him was on a camping trip under the stars. We shared the same tent because we both liked each other in secret. After our third tentmate went to sleep, little by little we began experiencing our first homosexual encounter; it felt like magic on my soul. From that point on, I realized that vaginas to me are like one small chocolate chip. Penis, however, was and is an entire batch of cookies. And the best part was that I was finally liberated.

Being Gay is Exhausting Me

It’s been ten years since I came out and I’m single, sexless, and too anxious to talk to men. In my earlier twenties, I had constant sex with random men and the only sexual confusion I had came from wondering why I was so miserable. Yet, my insecurities hold me back; these insecurities come from everything other than the trauma of being bullied. These little demons stem from multiple traumas I’ve experienced throughout the years within the realm of homosexual men.

I’ve been rejected for being too feminine to some, and too out of my mind for others. There were times that guys would turn me down before meeting me because I sound like a woman on the phone. Other multiple instances occurred on dating apps like Grindr or Tinder where was deemed too skinny and unworthy. And overall, I don’t feel a sense of belonging in the LGBTQ community nor do I really care to. I may be victimizing myself, but multiple traumas have left some holes in me.

I’m Probably Watching Straight Porn for Reasons Other Than Sexual Confusion

After a few days of panicking about being sexually confused and questioning a “newfound love for female genitalia”, I began to dig deep. I’ve been testing watching straight versus gay porn and analyzing my thoughts along the way.

What I came to realize during my pornographic meditation is most likely the truth of my situation:

• I might find the idea of having vaginal sex exciting because I’m spontaneous like that and open to certain types of new experiences. Could this be sexual confusion? Maybe but most likely not. Did a fundamentalist Evangelical Christian praying my gay away work its magic? No and GTFOH.
• However, this isn’t enough to make me desire sex with women on the daily nor do I think I ever could without going limp.
• Watching gay porn makes me feel uncomfortable because I can’t picture myself with either man for the most part. It’s all out of insecurities with my body and nothing to do with my personal taste.
• I become extremely overwhelmed and triggered by anxiety watching it. After cumming, I crash into the quicksand of comparing myself and getting depressed about myself.
• With that being completely true, I’m probably aroused by straight porn because I relate more to the woman than another gay guy on the bottom.
• Since I see myself as the woman, I’m probably more comfortable watching it when I’m in a woman’s frame of mind.
• Maybe I should test it all out in a threesome if I ever build the courage to find one. Could this be the cure for my sexual confusion? Possibly yes and probably not, depending on the outcome.

I Think I’m Just Tired of Being Gay

Actually, I know I’m tired of being gay. If I’m sexually confused, it’s mostly because I’m blindfolded by my insecurities. I could give a rat’s ass about what society says I should do and who I can or can’t have sex with. It’s more internal and how I perceive the world of gay men around me. I can’t look at every gay advertisement constantly having the perfect male image without hearing the loud echoes of my eating disorder (Yes, men have eating disorders too). I’ll never call a guy on the phone before I meet him because I’d rather not let our time talking go to waste, just in case.

At this time, I’ll probably stick to being a gay man who likes watching straight porn while I heal myself and all within me. Although dealing with sexuality is tough, I’m a very strong person and I know I’ll overcome this one too. To reiterate, I’m probably less sexually confused and more bored of facing my triggers in nearly every gay sexual moment. At the same time, I’m not a victim but someone who feels deeply; While I’m fragile, I’ll give a rest.

Originally published at reflectionsofasavage.com on December 20, 2018.