Human Nature

He didn’t intend to offend all those cold snobs gathered outside on the seaside patio so early in the evening but Jake was on day three of a whirlwind whiskey binge and his social gravitas was suffering. He didn’t like them anyway, too rich and proper; makes him sick seeing all that pent up human nature starved and stifled in exchange for proper civilized behavior. Emily and the blonde one both gasped and put their hands to their mouths in surprise when he said it, and I spied what could be described as a changing tune in their eyes as their fingers lingered lustfully on their lips, or so it appeared through the inebriated lenses of my sunglasses.

Can’t really blame Jake for the blunder. I’m surprised he held it together as long as he did. Jameson is a marvelous companion but an ornery Irish whiskey and I too had forgotten that our host, Mr. C. J. Bartlett, was the rightful heir of the most profitable tuna empire this side of Japan, and the other side of Japan. But Bartlett was quick to take offense at Jake’s slander, vehemently defending tuna as one of the more intelligent fish in the sea, and unquestionably the tastiest.

Tidal Wave Tuna is a powerful company, and Mr. Bartlett, though slight in stature yet sporting an overly large graying mustache, embodied the full strength of his vast domain and made it clear that moving forward, should we decide to do business together, that he would not tolerate such nonsense and inappropriate comments. This would be a consortium of business professionals and we were to act accordingly.

And then came the burp.

When we were kids Jake and I would race home from school, grab some snacks and a couple of sodas from the fridge and take our seats at the computer. The sodas always made us burp, or more precisely, a combination of the soda’s carbonation and our adolescence always made us burp. As the burping began we’d try to say the full alphabet in one big, long, nasty, stinking belch; it was a competition, and I always lost. And that’s exactly what it sounded like amidst the stunned silence of the Bartlett’s fine gathering, minus the alphabet.

Let’s just say there was no shortage of surprise from the gaudy, gawking crowd within earshot of the eruption. Mrs. Bartlett actually fainted from the barbarous crudeness of the noise. I was thankful for her weakness and for the distraction her head and wine glass caused as they smashed onto the rock tile floor. With the crowds’ attention diverted to the growing pool of blood around Mrs. Bartlett’s head I stole Jake away, stumbling into the house and crashing about. I could hear people shouting. “Call an ambulance!” “Is she dead?” “Where did the Denton brother’s go?”

Up until this point the afternoon had been pleasant enough, chock full of erudite observations and lofty market projections, but now my dumb-ass big brother had caused a horrible scene that promised to get us kicked out of this crony crooked club just as quick as we’d been invited. Fuck it. Let’s sort it out in the morning. How the hell do we get out of here anyway, I thought as we zigzagged back and forth crashing down hallways, searching for a way out.

“This way. Hurry up, before they catch us” shouted Emily.

“You two shall be married!”

“Shut up Jake! You’ve caused enough trouble already. You’re being a fool.”

“You know I’ll never marry! You should get married and I’ll be your best man. But you mustn’t serve any tuna. Please promise no tuna” shouted Jake right before he puked a colorful collage of tapas and whiskey all over the entryway hall as we escaped out the door and stumbled into the car. “A night the Bartlett’s won’t soon forget” laughed Jake as he slipped into a deep drunken sleep balled up next to me on the backseat of Emily’s speeding Mercedes Benz.

We bellowed and cheered at our getaway. We raced down the hill hooting and hollering towards the setting sun. Everything was time warped and prismed with flashes of blurred light and squealing tires and riotous laughter. And then the pretty blonde girl jumped in the backseat unexpectedly, pulled down my pants, and sent me to heaven.