My Infertility Story

Babies! From as long as I can remember I have always want to be a mother. As a teenager you’re asked all the time, “What you want to be when you graduate? What’s your dream job? Etc.” For me, it was to have babies and stay home with them. I ask myself, is this normal to not want a career job? Not caring if I travel the world? Do I not have ambition?

I found out in March 2006 I was pregnant. I was flooded with emotions. First, I wasn’t married. Second, while yes I have been with my boyfriend (now husband) for 4 years, we were rocky to say the least. And third, I was a Christian. But despite all the reasons we shouldn’t have a baby, inside I felt complete. Like I found what made me, me. Then at only 8 weeks the heart stopped. I will never forget the day your heart stopped and Mine kept beating. I miscarried. They had to do a D&C (Dilation & curettage is a brief surgical procedure in which the cervix is dilated and a special instrument is used to scrape the uterine lining). Family is supposed to be there for you when you need them, not say “it was for the best”. …….. The best for who? Not me because that beautiful child I had growing inside of me was my everything! My heart broke unlike anything you could imagine. I felt alone and ashamed. Ashamed to tell someone it hurts, I hurt. After all I was a Christian, I was supposed to be pure. I had to act like it wasn’t a big deal but it was. Who would understand? I was a 20yr old who wasn’t married. Who wouldn’t judge me? All I cared about was that innocent child that was ripped out of me. I wanted he/she back. I wanted to try again! I wanted another chance to be the mother I always wanted to be. I pretended all was fine. But deep inside I had a hole.

October 2007 I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. Still not married and with the same man. All the emotions and fears came in like a waterfall that consumed me when I saw that pink positive. I was so happy and fearful at once. Was I finally going to be a mom? Or would I lose this baby too? All I could do was pray. I made a mistake, but this amazing life that was inside me was pure. I gave my dreams of being a mom to God. I knew there was nothing I could do. God would help me through whatever happens. November 2, 2007 was our first doctor appointment. The whole 30min. drive to UAMS was silent. I didn’t want to go in. What if’s raced through my mind. I tried to keep it to together. I didn’t …… couldn’t hear any bad news.

Waiting in the patient room was like trying to breathe through a straw. I’m lying back on a table; we are getting ready to see if we can hear the heartbeat. I’m begging myself to hold it together. You hear my heart and all of a sudden you hear a really fast heartbeat. The nurse says that’s your baby! My whole body gasped and I started crying. That amazing sound was my baby. It was like the world stopped. That all the pain and heartache I went through was for this reason. I never wanted anything as much as I wanted to hear that sound! I prayed everyday all day over my growing baby. My pregnancy was awesome. 3days before my due date I was induced and on May 22, 2008 at 3:37pm I had a healthy 10–1/2 lbs baby girl. I was completely and utterly in love! She was everything I wanted and then some. Shortly after coming home I started feeling what I now know was postpartum depression. My hormones became way out of wack. I quit breastfeeding after only 2 weeks. I was overwhelmed with guilt. I had so much pressure to be the perfect mom. Had to do it all on my own, I thought. Why was I so sad, I had everything I ever wanted. If you’ve ever had postpartum depression you know what I mean.

At my one year check up I talked to my doctor about maybe starting to try to have another child. I told him some of the things that were going on with my body. How it was over 160days since my last period. My body was going crazy. I had gained a lot of weight, my belly and face started growing black hair. (Just to name a few) He did his doctoral thing and told me I had PCOS (Polycystic ovary syndrome is a problem in which a woman’s hormones are out of balance. It can cause problems with your periods and make it difficult to get pregnant.), he gave me some medicine and sent me on my way. I was confused & scared. His words echoed in me. “Difficult to get pregnant”… wait what. Not me no. I have dreamed of having kids my whole life this couldn’t be. I’m that lady that’s going to have like 10 kids. The moment you find out it’s going to be hard-to-impossible to have a baby you realize just how badly you wanted to. That was the moment when I became Obsessed with all things baby. In the next few months I read book after book, watched videos, documentaries, and downloaded apps. I started charting my fertility. Taking my BBT (basil body temperature) taking OPK (ovulation test). I even created several online baby registries (I have had for years and keep moving the due date back so it’s still there). For every word I read to every negative test I got it’s like pushing the knife deeper and deeper into my heart. And yes I hear people’s thoughts, saying well at least you have 1 child. And yes I am so very grateful to have her. She is amazing. I cherish her with all my heart. The day when you have your 2, 3, 4 year old (year after year, who is now 8) look you in the eyes and say mommy I have been praying for a sister and ask when can they have a sibling all the while knowing you have been trying so hard to. There’s not words that can describe the heartbreak that overtakes you. Every year makes it seem more and more unlikely it will ever happen. There is a unique pain that comes for preparing a place in your heart for a child that may never come. -David Platt. I’m not telling my story to get sympathy or to say poor pitiful me. I have fought this fight for over 7 years in silence. I have told myself I have to be strong. You may know about my infertility and that I really want another child. But I don’t hang on for you I hang on for my daughter, I hang on for the women out there who feel the pain I do. My story is for you! To help you feel less alone.

If you have met me in the last 7+ years you know I’m OCD about all things baby. But what you don’t know is that I’m consumed. For every question I get and congratulation I give, my heart breaks. Don’t get me wrong, I am very happy for every woman that gets to have that amazing gift of being a mom. I have heard it all from just give it time (it’s been 7yrs), just don’t think about it and it will happen (ya tried that didn’t work), God has a plan, and while yes he does, we aren’t chest pieces on a board. Life happens! I pray everyday for healing, strength and hope. Because there are days that I lose my hope but I have to remember God is always there to pick me back up.

In July 2016 I got my first in 7+ year positive pregnancy test. It was finally here, I was pregnant! Yes! My heart was so full of joy. I couldn’t believe it. I took a test every other day for a week just to make sure. But then on an early Saturday morning I got up and had to pee like normal and there was blood everywhere. I lost it. My husband and daughter were at my sister-in-laws. I was all alone. I told myself no it’s ok I’m fine. As the day went on I tried to think about it, telling myself this isn’t happening. But it was, I lost the baby. I cried….. and cried. My hopes and dream where yet again ripped away. I’m afraid because I know I can’t fight forever. Sometimes you have to take deep breaths just to keep from losing it. Sleepless night that you try to cry softly so that your husband doesn’t wake and see you lost it yet again. With all of this said I will keep trying and fighting because I know my story is not the only one. I will fall, but more importantly I will not give up because I know my story will help someone else going through what I am. Don’t judge a person before you see their heart. We may look fine and happy and put together but inside we have a disease that is silent.