Too Young

It was St. Patrick’s Day 1997. I was 23 and you were 25. We were too young to be facing such a scary situation. We had been dealing with your illness for a few months now, but until that day, we thought things were getting better and this was going to be in our past; something that we talked about when we were older. However…only one of us grew older.

We were not the best of friends growing up. In fact, you hated me (haha). Although I never knew why, but I guess that’s how it goes with siblings. We grew up tormenting each other and getting along only when we were both preoccupied with other people or things. It wasn’t until you left for the Army that I realized just how much I needed you in my life. So, we began our friendship through letters. I would write and send pictures as much as I could and you did the same. It doesn’t seem as if you were gone for very long, before you were back home again. You had a left us this adolescent boy and came back a man. You also came home and quickly became one of my best friends.

Stop the clock from ticking…

We didn’t know right away you were so sick. We didn’t know the clock was really ticking. We didn’t know a date had been set. We were busy enjoying having you home and living our lives. Had we known, maybe we could have stopped that clock or changed the date.

We went to chemo appointments and doctor visits. We would drive around between sessions and check the sites out in the city. Mostly, we would drive around the rich neighborhoods and you would tell me stories about the houses. Or we would go to the aquarium store and check things out and buy fish for your tank. The tank that I later took home and did my best to keep that damn thing clean! We were still laughing and bonding. Even laughing about how I would beg you to not throw up in my car or how you hated the thought of the smell of the chemo room.

You made it. You went through all your treatments and things began to look good. You were beginning to feel better…until you weren’t again. I didn’t know that March 17, 1997 would be the last day I would ever have a conversation with you. I didn’t know it would be the last day I would hear one of you funny and always inappropriate jokes — the jokes that would have mom all in a tizzy. How I loved to watch her get all worked up over your jokes! I didn’t know it would be the last time I would hear your laugh or hear you speak. I didn’t know that you were still that sick.

The calls and hospital updates came like clockwork. The every other day visits to the hospitals were always informative with good news mostly. Until that afternoon we got the call. The call that forever changed our lives.

Too young…

Life has forever changed since your passing. You passed just two days after your nephew turned 2 years old. It has now been almost 21 years since you’ve been gone. I wish I knew the things I know now when you were sick. I would have been more educated on the things you had to go through. We were too young to be faced with such decisions. I was too young to handle the emotions of losing a brother. Too young to watch our parents grieve.

I was a young mom and you were a very proud uncle. You could not get enough of this child of mine, even on days you were not feeling well. The bond you had with my son was beautiful. I only wish he was old enough to remember you, before you passed. I often wonder how yours and his relationship would be today…now he’s at the age I was when you died. He’s a wonderful man, I only wish you were here to help guide him and help him through his life. You would be proud.

I think my life would have taken a completely different path if you were still here. I would like to say I made my poor decisions in life because I was dealing with you passing away. I don’t like to blame my inability to make sound decisions on you, but it is partly true. I was too young to handle such a loss. Thankfully, I was able to grow up and figure life out for the moment — it only took 20 years, but who’s counting.

I will always hold you dear to my heart. You will forever be a major part of my life.

s_m