Humanities greatest attribute is its ability to adapt.

“Had I the choice, I cannot imagine a better last day than the one that I had.”

I’ve always been a morning person, I am always among the first to rise and this morning was no different. I woke in a cool room, sharing a twin bed with my dog Duke and my buddy Mike. I kicked off the covers, Duke and I rose and began the day. Even with a pounding headache and some mild nausea it would’ve been hard to wipe the smile from my face that morning. I stripped down in my underwear and the dog and I sprinted down to the dock and jumped into the cool water of Lake Panache. Eventually the smell of coffee, and bacon began floating around the camp, drawing the late risers from bed and the rest of us to the kitchen. Curtis’s mom and sister, Monique and Alyssa, were at the camp as well and had started breakfast with Curtis. The morning was spent laughing, swimming, hanging around the dock, and having some cold beers.

We were going to try our luck at some walleye fishing the following day, and on the ride up I had made everybody stop at Bass Pro so I could pick up some pieces to make custom rigs. The early afternoon was pretty relaxed. I set to building the walleye rigs we would use the next day, Curtis tended the woodstove in the sauna, and Michael hung out on the pontoon drinking beers. Once our friend Dusty arrived we all jumped in the pontoon and went out for some bass fishing and swimming on the other side of the lake. We spent that whole afternoon cruising the lake, fishing for bass, swimming, snacking, and drinking. I had never been able to do a complete backflip, so with some direction from Mike I attempted it off the front of the pontoon. I did my first ever full backflip that day. We cruised back home, I filleted the fish we caught, everyone else set about making dinner. The rest of the evening was very relaxed, we played cards, we drank, we laughed, and as the night went on, we began going in and out of the sauna. It was a camp tradition to go in the sauna, then go jump into the lake.

It was getting late and Curtis had gone into bed, it was just Dusty, Mike, and myself still going from the sauna to the lake. It must have been around 2 a.m. and I was ready for bed. Mike hit the stovepipe with some fresh water, creating an inferno inside the sauna, Dusty and I had enough and decided to go for a last jump into the lake.

Dusty ran out in front of me and jumped off to the left, I ran down the dock, got to the very end and leapt into the night air for my last dive into the dark water. When I felt myself hit the water, I spread my arms to swim out, suddenly a white flash and a sound I cannot describe.

“I felt nothing as my head crashed it on the bottom of the lake, just the white flash that horrible noise.”

When I next opened my eyes, I was looking down at the bottom of the lake, with my arms spread out to my sides and my back exposed to the air. I tried to roll over to breathe, nothing happened. Panic rushed through me like I’d never before experienced, fear and helplessness consumed me.

In a lapse of judgement, in a moment of panic, I screamed for help, I think I screamed twice. The clear and horrifying realization hit me; I was alone, no one would hear me. It was at this moment that I remembered something from my technical diving training. A way to slowly release your breath, conserving air in the situation of a catastrophic gas failure. I’m not sure if resorting to my training prompted me to calm down, but there was no more panic after that. As I slowly began to sink, my lungs releasing tiny bubbles of air slowly as possible, my overall buoyancy decreased, I felt my toes hit the bottom.

“I could see the light from the cottage on the bottom of the lake, I could see the slow movement of the light sand back-and-forth across the bottom.”

I thought about my mother, I could not imagine how this was going to hurt her. I know my sister and I are the world to her, a piece of that world would be gone forever after this.

I was running out of air, from my dreamlike state I snapped back to reality only for a moment. My time was running out, but I still had a sliver of hope somebody might find me before I drowned.

Precious seconds gone by, I thought to myself, I had a good run. The hope of being rescued diminished and gone, I realized my fate. I remember being so calm, knowing I was going to die, I had become weightless, not a care in the world.

“At least I’m drowning in clean water”

Oddly enough I clearly remember that thought crossing my mind. Staring down at the bottom the very last bit of air left my body. I was completely at peace, and as the moments passed I remember just staring at the bottom waiting for the inevitable. Then my body took control, I had a feeling like somebody was tugging on me. There was no pain, and slowly my world turned black and there was nothing.

Writing about my experience, reliving this traumatic event in extreme detail was incredibly difficult.

This moment would change my life forever. The following weeks and months would be the most difficult I’d ever experienced. Doubtless it would be equally difficult for my family and friends. This was not the end, but the beginning. The beginning of a journey filled with pain, fear, regret, but also healing, tenacity, and adaptation. This is my story.