Why I Stopped Swiping Right on Dudes Who Work in Tech

You’ve heard it all before.

The white boys from Minnesota or Maine or Montreal show up in San Francisco or Oakland or Menlo Park to make all the App Magic happen. They so much as sneeze in the general direction of a neighborhood and the housing costs soar. Blah blah blah.

Maybe you’re tired of hearing about the impact of all these tech bros on Bay Area culture (or what’s left of it). Fair enough. So forget culture. Let’s get more micro.

Have you ever tried going on a date with one of them? Yeah, the bill is pocket change to him on his engineer’s salary, but still. Being talked down to can really ruin a girl’s appetite.

Tech bros: I love ya, but here are some things you’ve gotta quit doing to girls.

1. Playing omniscient.

If I say I like the fried paneer, I like the fried paneer. Seriously, Ethan*. You’re not my first introduction to food that doesn’t come in a bucket with Colonel Sanders’ face on it.

2. Playing anthropologist.

I get it, Craig. You think monogamous relationships are kind of quaint, but ultimately unsustainable in postmodern society or whatever. Thanks for the speech, I guess? You’re still an asshole.

3. Playing researcher.

Not everything is a fucking A/B test, Scott. Here’s a thought: stop thinking like a computer for one second, perhaps? Here’s another: does she know you like to keep an alternative on the side while you try to see which option results in optimal user satisfaction?

4. Playing motivational speaker.

This is not a TED talk, Todd. I’m not your audience. Stop acting like you’re the only dude within a thousand mile radius of Silicon Valley with drive or vision or whatever buzzword you’re into today. Congrats on being able to program a computer! Maybe by your 35th birthday you’ll figure out interpersonal relationships, too. Milestones, baby.

5. Playing teacher-savior.

Look, Carter. If I ever decide I need somebody to “show me the ropes,” I’ll find someone who’s…well, not you. Yeah, yeah, you think this was a beneficial journey for the both of us. Take your Merrell Telluride waterproof shoes and journey out of my face, maybe?

6. Playing God.

Did you just tell me to humble myself, Caleb? Really? That’s hilarious. That’s Vine-worthy. Say it again, I wasn’t recording.

7. Playing.

*No real names. Wouldn’t be very Zen of me.