Becoming Nicole
This is a wonderful, well-told story about a family who began in a normal way, and ended up breaking barriers through love and persistence. It’s a fantastic story, which she integrates beautifully with recent research on gender identity, and explains in very gentle yet firm language why gender identity is in fact different than physical sex properties. I feel much smarter on the topic of transgender issues, and would strongly recommend this book to anyone interested in learning more beyond the simple definitions.
The story begins with a couple who wanted to have children but couldn’t, then adopted her niece’s twin boys when she was too young to raise them. As the boys grew, one preferred playing with traditional boy toys/games, and the other — starting at the age of 2 — tended towards barbies, princesses, and saying that he was a boy-girl. Over the ensuing years, the first boy continued in traditional boy mode, while the second — Wyatt — continued tending toward traditional girl things. He would ask to wear dresses and be a princess, continuing to call himself a boy-girl. His father had a difficult time with it all, and was not very helpful, though he did not prevent his wife from helping understand him. This behavior began spilling into school, where he wanted to wear frilly shirts and spent time with girls rather than boys. His mother did a lot of research, and came upon transgender as a possible explanation for his uncommon behavior. She worked with the primary school’s counselor, who used the DSM v5 to help with the diagnosis as well. They worked together to understand Wyatt, and along the way significantly educated themselves and others. After moving to middle school, Wyatt began dressing as a girl and began using the girls restroom. He was fully diagnosed as transgender at this point, and most all of his classmates fully accepted him as her. Around this time, Wyatt started going by Nicole. One student, though, being raised by his grandparents, had a grandfather who wanted him to make a stand, and caused trouble. This got a very conservative “Christian” group involved, who created more controversy (this led to many of the “bathroom bills” that were considered in legislatures across the country a few years ago). I put Christian in quotes there because they were nasty and ostracizing towards a child, which is probably the least Christian thing I can imagine.
Ultimately, the middle school principal was unhelpful, and the family moved to a different town. This put tremendous stress on the family, as the father had to stay behind for his job. The family was also being given counsel by GLAAD, who took the school district to court for not giving Nicole equal treatment. The lawsuit ended up in Maine’s Supreme Court, who ruled that a school could not discriminate based on gender identity, the first ruling on this in the nation. Nicole went on to have gender reassignment surgery, and entered college as a young woman.
The author also explained a lot of recent research results on gender identity, both in examining the human brain as well as understanding how different species act based on testosterone and estrogen levels. This forms a scientific and physical basis for the separation of gender from sex, and most humanity back into the understanding that existed for centuries, that gender is a much more fluid feature than simply male/female. This seems right to me, in that girls are traditionally on a very girly / tomboy spectrum, while boys are on a wimpy / super manly spectrum (maybe not quite the right words). It would make sense as well, then, that there would be some overlap, where the brains begin to not really align with the bodies.
It was illuminating for me, and helped to provide a scientific basis for much of what has been promoted. For someone who relies on reason like myself, I appreciated hearing that it’s not just what a person feels like doing, it’s truly a part of their physical makeup and that our traditional dichotomy is not sufficient for understanding the complexity of the human experience. It also explains to me why people who learn about the science behind it feel that those who oppose transgender or gay rights are bigoted, though I would say that they are simply unaware of or unwilling to accept significant scientific research that explains these subjects. I feel for those who are unaware, but have less acceptance of those who are unwilling. Trusting old writings more than new research doesn’t seem like the most honest approach, and will likely inevitably lose the argument of ideas.
The book is well-written, impressively researched, and humanely treats every character in the book. The father even ends up being redeemed through his speeches once he realizes he needs to step up, though the truly courageous and honorable character is the mother, who accepts and loves her child from the beginning, and tries her best to help him/her integrate into the world on his/her terms. I’m happy to have read it.