Reblog: Hallmark Channel Christmas Movies Are The Whitest Thing On TV
Notice anything these movies have in common? All of the actors are white as snow. As the movie posters above show, it’s not an exaggeration. I promise you there are more, but I think these are enough to get the point. Like 95% of the actors are beautiful, have perfect bone structure, flawless teeth and are ummm, white. Hallmark, I appreciate you refusing to cast ugly people in your Christmas movies, as we have to endure too many of those in real life, but do they all have to be white? Like how is that even possible in the times we live in? How has Hallmark not been protested and pressured into hiring some actors of different nationalities? It’s coming, we all know it is and I for one, am looking forward to that day. White women are nice and all, but some of us prefer flavors from a different persuasion. Hallmark, give us a hispanic actor here, an Asian actor there, and we’ll all be better for it. After all, people from lots of different nationalities celebrate Christmas. Be better Hallmark. Won’t lie, doesn’t change the fact that I love these movies. The unintentional comedy is sky high.
Hallmark Channel’s Countdown To Christmas is quickly becoming my favorite Christmas tradition. I pity those cord cutting and bragging about how much money they’re saving without cable. losers! Turn on Hallmark Channel right now and I guarantee you there will a babe on the screen. Turn on Hallmark five hours from now and another babe will be on the screen. 25 days of babes. The Playboy Mansion in its heyday would be jealous of Hallmark. Victoria’s Secret has shit on Hallmark. So ridiculous and over the top that you have to respect the play.
Now here’s where it gets weird. I don’t want to go here, but I’m a straight shooter and call them like I see them. These Hallmark Christmas movies share a striking similarity with one of my other favorite genres of film: porn! As Sheed famously said, “ball don’t lie.” Look at the tape and try telling me otherwise. You can’t. I’ve been watching Hallmark movies for two weeks straight and porn of all different varieties since the Clinton Administration. Safe to say I’m the expert here and let me hit you with the fact…Hallmark has straight up stolen the softcore movie model. They check off all the boxes:
- The acting is terrible.
- They have actors you’ve never seen in anything else.
- The lighting is too bright.
- The green screen backgrounds are obvious.
- No background music because the budget isn’t large enough to buy the rights to songs.
The only thing missing is exposed nipples. I call them how I see them folks. I don’t hate it one bit. Hallmark will never admit that’s what they’ve done, but the evidence is damning. They give you everything but the payoff. Hallmark Channel’s Countdown To Christmas slogan should be: our movies are the closest thing to a softcore porn that you can watch with the entire family!
Let CBS and all the other television stations show Christmas classics like Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and watch as their ratings drop. Hallmark Channel executives knows what moves the needle.
Just a couple of the actors you’ll see on Hallmark Channel the next two weeks: Taylor Cole
Emilie Ullerup:
The Hallmark Channel Holiday party should be quite a scene.
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Originally published at aftertimeexpires.com on December 12, 2018.
