Don’t Worry
It’s hard to tell people “don’t worry” when your advanced metastatic cancer is shutting down your body. It’s hard to tell people “don’t worry” when, while it’s hard to give exact numbers in these situations, we’re talking days to weeks of life.
But I want to give it a shot. Ready?
Don’t worry.
I’m in great spirits in Seattle. I’m here with both sides of my family, who are providing me with unconditional love and support. Claire has taken over the coordination and scheduling process of all the appointments, telehealth visits, nurse visits, hospice care calls. I’ve never seen someone move so efficiently. And yet, she’s a rock. I would simply fall into the sea if I didn’t have her to hold on to.
Don’t worry.
I’m not in any pain, and with some helpful spotting from my loved ones, I’m coming back to doing a lot of basic activities. Also, we’ve been drinking these limeade spritzes which we love despite hilariously incongruous weather. We are together, and we are achieving my goal of having as many good days with the people I love as possible.
Don’t worry.
I also have your messages, threads, gifts, and videos, and they’re all amazing. So, here, let me say thank you, with love, to everyone. (Also, there was no card in the hot-dog baby costume, so whoever gave Claire and me that, congratulations for knowing our brand).
But, there’s another part to the story. We’re talking days, maybe weeks of life — and my son is due on Aug. 1st. I’m not going to get to meet him. That’s the hardest sentence I’ve ever had to write. It’s words that shouldn’t be allowed to be put on a page. Claire will soon shift from taking care of a dying husband to taking care of a newborn baby. She is so unfortunately skilled at the former, I have no doubt that, with the help of our friends and family, she will be similarly spectacular at the latter.
So, am I worried? Of course. Will the baby be healthy? Did I do enough while I could to get things ready and talk about what kind of child we wanted to raise? Do we have enough supplies? Almost certainly, no.
But even in a situation like this, I still believe we don’t have to worry. This baby will have an incredible mother. It will be surrounded by more friends and family than it will know how to shake its baby hands at. It will be cared for and loved for by so many.
And so, even as I die, don’t worry.
