5 Ways to Enhance Your Relationships
In 2011, Carrie and I nearly broke up on four separate occasions.
Now, we live in complete bliss and haven’t so much as argued in months.
These are the five things we did to change everything about our relationship, our lives, and our business:
(1) KNOW YOURSELF
Yes, a successful relationship is about the union of two people.
But that doesn’t imply you must lose your independence or sense of self.
And let’s face it, WAY too many people do.
Striving to be the best version of yourself is the cornerstone of any successful relationship (and we would happily argue that to our dying breath).
Respect and honesty get the headlines as the most important factors, but if you really stop to think about it, a person at his or her best IS respectful and honest.
This has as much to do with spiritual alignment as it does anything else.
When someone sits frustrated in life, anxious, fear-based or angry ‒ however subtle or beneath the surface those emotions may be ‒ they are misaligned from a spiritual perspective.
And that misalignment is the result of someone who has never taken the time to truly know, understand, or love who they are.
Within a blissful relationship, two SEPARATE flower seeds are blossoming and evolving. The relationship itself is the nourishing soil that allows for that to occur in a safe and supported environment.
(2) ELIMINATE YOUR OWN LIMITS
Ever notice that when someone can’t seem to create success out of the dreams they carry in their hearts, they often blame their spouse for “holding them back”?
Are there occasions in which that’s exactly what happens?
Of course.
But it’s become too customary to blame and hold OTHER PEOPLE responsible for YOUR limits.
When we were broke, unfit, and overwhelmed by life, we blamed each other.
Making the conscious decision to take FULL accountability for our own lives allowed us to become optimal advocates and backbones for each other.
And that changed everything.
(3) TALK
And I don’t mean this as a redundant “communication is important” message.
I mean TALK.
We spend the first three hours of every day together.
Learning separately and then teaching each other what we learned.
Journaling about our thoughts and then discussing what we discovered.
Charting our goals and then chattering on about our collective excitement for them.
We talk about love, life, poetry, business, our children, sex, spirituality, political ideologies, finances, art, and history.
Because my wife’s voice is my favorite sound on the planet.
And her mind is the most enchanting thing I’ve ever known.
Stop treating conversations with your partner as just another checkmark on the daily “to do” list and start romanticizing life through words.
Verbal intercourse is sexier than you likely realize.
(4) LEARN “LANGUAGE”
I really had no idea that gently touching the back of her neck as I walked by meant the world to Carrie.
Just as much as she didn’t know that brewing me a mug of green tea for no reason had just as big an impact on me.
Because five years ago, we weren’t trying to learn about each other.
You fall in love.
But you have to create a relationship.
And that involves learning your partner’s “language.”
For Carrie, touch is the irreplaceable signal of love.
For me, it’s the thoughtful nature of a kind token.
I am now simply conscious and aware that pausing my work in the middle of a given day to spontaneously get out of my seat, pick her up in my arms, and bury my face in her neck for 60 seconds will have her “feeling” my love, admiration, and respect for hours.
Carrie is now mindful that doing an unexpected kind gesture will have me enchanted, appreciative, and puppy-dog-in-love for the rest of the day.
And that’s the important thing.
Random cuddles don’t “do it” for me.
Just the same as random acts don’t “do it” for her.
Five years ago, we were too busy being standoffish about what we weren’t receiving in our relationship to bother taking the time to understand what we should be giving more of.
And this leads to the final point perfectly:
(5) UNDERSTAND VERSUS RELATE
I couldn’t relate to why Carrie got so emotional about people who had wronged her.
But she couldn’t relate to why I was always worried about money.
And that lack of relating caused some major rifts.
“Why do you care so much?” would be my angry response to her tears.
“Why do you always have to be so gloomy?” would be her confused counters to my stresses.
We couldn’t RELATE to each other’s dark points.
But we learned to simply UNDERSTAND them.
And that made all the difference.
Two people with two different perspectives on life.
Two people with two different pasts.
Two people who have been shaped by their own individual influences and experiences.
Two people who are likely NEVER going to truly relate to each other’s stressors or urgency.
But two people who will find complete harmony if they stop trying to relate.
And simply learn to understand.
By being compassionate.
Without the need to “save.”
