Remember me as a time of day.
I don’t have much interesting to say. I’m writing here to express what I feel right now because I don’t know any other way to let this thoughts burst out of me. It destroys me every single second whenever I start to think about it.
You see, people will say that I don’t have the rights to complain the situation I have right now. I want to tell them that they were wrong. There’s no actual difference in living life in the streets on living life with crippling depression.
Let me explain to you of what I really feel. You’re living your day productive, motivated and inspired but you saw something that will make you insecure (I don’t know if this is the right word, but the meaning is the same) and will make you rethink of how shitty your life is. You will try to be nice to other people but then that doesn’t make you hurt-proof because they will say something that will make you think of problem that isn’t there. You’ll mold it into some big disaster self-destructing ball then you will let it crush you in a way that your body will become lazy to do anything at all. Literally anything you can think of.
Some say that just keep doing things that might help you but the truth is, I don’t even know what would help me. I’ve been trying to keep myself getting better (by means of doing programming/design stuff) but it doesn’t seem to leads me into something anything good. What I know is in the end I still learned nothing.
I’ve been living my life with no direction. I consider doing suicide but my family is just poor and can’t afford all the expenses. I fear God also that if the after-life was true, He’ll make me suffer. I feel bad to my friends who tried to kill themselves because they have everything they can ask for (I mean, not everything but mostly). I want them to know that I envy the life they have. Or… how I wish that my parents is as supportive as them. Maybe I will not become like this. Maybe I’m not writing this kind of article.
Thanks for my only true friend (Kuya K) because even If I already gave out everything I have, he still keeps insisting that hope is a legit word. You are the best person in my life next to my grandmother. I still have a dream that one day I can repay you from what you’d sacrificed for me. I still feel blessed somehow because I have people like you. Remember me as a time of day.