Contributor at Someecards, The Berry, The Chive, Funny or Die, Looper, Paul Shaffer’s Day in Rock. I edit the Splitsider Humor Section and also make books.

Feb 9, 2016

Every Religious Item In and Around My Parents’ House

Outside
1. Crucifix on the front porch
2. Plastic archangel sculpture on one side of the deck
3. Plastic archangel sculpture on other side of the deck
4. “Keep Christ in Christmas” sign in yard (left out year-round)
5. Giant arch in backyard, underneath which sits two-foot-tall faux-stone Mary statue
6. Blue glass crystal thing in backyard that is religious in some way, but I have forgotten in what regard.

Master Bedroom
7. Crucifix made from faux-redwood
8. Scapular hanging on faux-redwood cross
9. Black rosary adorning faux-redwood cross
10. White ceramic Holy Family holy water dish (filled)
11. An embroidered wall-hanging of Mary
12. Another, smaller cross
13. A Mary statute
14. Another Mary statue
A nine-compartment shelf containing
15. Holy Family statuette
16. Another Holy Family statuette
17–20. Mary statuettes
21.-22. Jesus statuettes
23.-25. Three other obviously religious things I cannot readily identify

Kitchen
26. A wood carving depicting The Last Supper
27. A Byzantine-style print of Jesus and Mary
28. Palm Sunday palm behind Byzantine-style print, left up year-round
29. A snowglobe depicting Mary in a snowy grotto
30. Plastic Mary “stained glass” thing attached to window with suction cup
31. “Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread” wall-hanging
32. “Bless Our Nest” wall-hanging
33. Bottle of holy water, just sitting out
34. Crucifix
35. A Last Supper ceramic sculpture that spans the width of the entire top of refrigerator
36. Lithograph of Jesus pointing to his glowing heart taped to refrigerator
37. Photograph of current pope
38. Photograph of previous pope
39.-41. Three Jesus refrigerator magnets
42.-44. Three Mary refrigerator magnets
45.-47. Three refrigerator magnets bearing the addresses of three different area churches
48. A small plastic bread loaf marked “Our Daily Bread,” which contains 200 cards with lines of scripture written on them
49.-55. Assorted coffee mugs depicting Jesus, Mary, and religious tourist destinations such as Israel, Rome, Lourdes, Medjugorje, a town in Bosnia where six children received visitations from Mary in 1981

Family Room
56. A ceramic sculpture of Jesus and Mary in which Jesus is painted blue, and Mary pink
57.-63. Seven VHS videotapes of religiously-themed doomsday content
64. The Passion of the Christ on DVD, opened.
65. Another copy of The Pass of the Christ on DVD, unopened
66.-67. Two random holy cards
68. A white ceramic sculpture of Mary with hands folded in prayer
69. A needlepoint depicting the Christmas star, a dove, and the Earth, inscribed, “Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me”
70. Crucifix on wall at bottom of stairwell
71. Crucifix on wall at top of stairwell
72. Palm Sunday palm behind crucifix at top of stairwell

Living Room/Dining Room
73. Little box with Mary and Baby Jesus on it
74. Rosary inside box
75. Holy card on end table
76. Giant framed Mary painting over fireplace
77.-78. Two angel candleholders
79. Byzantine-style portrait of Jesus
80. Byzantine-style portrait of Mary
81. Gigantic family Bible on coffee table
82. Framed photorealistic painting of a blond, white, curly-haired toddler Jesus
83. Sculpture of adult Jesus sitting on a glass seashell, arms extended.
84. Crucifix
85. Palm Sunday palm behind crucifix
86. St. Christopher’s medal stuck behind crucifix
87. Massive, framed Jesus and Mary print on wall
88. Wall altar
89. Decorative chalice
90. Ornate cross-shaped candle-holder made of metal and painted white

Guest Bedroom
91. Extra-large crucifix upon which hangs a cartoonish Jesus.
92. Comically large rosary with beads the size of Whoppers — candy, not hamburgers — adorning extra-large crucifix.
93. Portrait of a saint, likely Padre Pio
94. Foot-tall Jesus statuette
95. Bible
96. Catechism

Dad’s Office
97. Container of Church-approved incense
98. Holy Water sprinkler (empty)
99. Lithograph of Jesus
100. Religious medal
101. Crucifix
102.-106. Six random holy cards
107. Wall calendar depicting famous cathedrals
108. Rosary
109. Statue of Jesus holding a fish

Mom’s Office
110. Map of Israel
111. Painting of Mary
112. Rosary made of yarn adorning Mary painting
113. Palm Sunday palm behind Mary painting
114. Crucifix
115. Blue plastic bottle of holy water with Mary’s picture on it
116. Mary statue on pedestal, roughly toddler-sized
117. Angel statue on pedestal, roughly toddler-sized
118. Painting of Mary with a glowing communion wafer emerging from her heart
119. Statuette of Mary holding a bouquet of roses
120. Statuette of Mary dressed like the popular image of a queen, in crown and robe
121. Statuette of Mary, white porcelain
122. Photo of a nun or saint that I do not recognize
123. Rosary
124. Jesus statuette
125. Statuette of Joseph holding Baby Jesus
126. Tiny Mary Statuette
127. Tabletop, freestanding gold-painted crucifix
128. Tabletop, freestanding silver-painted crucifix
129. Holy card
130. Sculpture of Mary standing under an arch
131. Mexican-style candle with Mary on it
132. Membership card in “Marian Helpers”
133. Glass box with rocks inside taken from Medjugorje
134. White box with cross on it
135. Rosary inside cross box
136.-137. Two boxed Christmas tree ornaments bearing the image of St. Cecilia
138. Statuette of Michael the Archangel
139. Eyedropper full of holy water
140. Byzantine style wood carving of Jesus
141. “The Last Supper” wall clock; each hour the hand points to a different apostle
142. Painting depicting the Consecration
143. Medjugorje-branded rosary
144. Doily-like tablecloth that says “Mary” on it
145.-146. Two identical angel wall-hangings
147. Lithograph of Jesus
148. Lithograph of Jesus and Mary
149. Lithograph of Mary and Jesus
150. Not yet hanged framed poster of Jesus
151. Prayer book
152.-153. Postcards of the pope
154. Certificate of recognition from The Basilica of the National Shrine
155. Sisters of Reparation coffee mug
156. Pens in coffee mug with name of local church
157. Plastic Jesus statuette taped to top of computer monitor
158.-160. Three St. Christopher medals
161. Mary commemorative coin tied to desk-lamp pull-chain
162. Throw blanket on rocking chair containing full text of “The Lord’s Prayer”
163. Throw pillow depicting hands folded in prayer
164. Full-size wooden prayer kneeler
164.-175. Eleven cassettes of religious music
176.-226. 51 books of religious content

Upstairs bathroom
227. Crucifix