How Each of the Seven Dwarfs is Uniquely Terrible

Doc. He has a vital skill in that he’s a doctor, and you can tell that he’s smart because he wears glasses. But Doc also says the wrong word, or mixes them up, or trips all over his speech. A poor command of the language can be potentially dangerous or even deadly for a doctor. What if he meant to call in a Benadryl prescription for Sneezy, for example, but he accidentally told the pharmacist to dispense Benzedrine?

Bashful. Bashfulness isn’t sweet and cute like Bashful (and Snow White) seems to think it is. You can’t carry on a conversation with Bashful because he gets so easily flummoxed. If you so much as agreed with a point he made, he’d get all red-cheeked and tongue-tied. (Also, he seems like the kind of guy who would mistake a woman being nice to him for romantic interest.)

Grumpy. Being dark and angry and pissed off does not make you seem interesting and introspective. Grumpy, you’re not Batman, and you’re not 15.

Sneezy. Here’s a guy who talks about his ailments all the time, which is obnoxious, boring, and sad. It’s like he’s a hypochondriac who simultaneously presents symptoms indicating a vast array of allergies. But really, it’s reckless and gross to sneeze all over the place, not to mention cowardly to avoid going to a doctor, even though he lives with one. (His name is Doc.)

Dopey. He doesn’t talk, he doesn’t have a cool beard like the others, and he’s so stupid that it defines him to such a large degree that it is also his name.

Sleepy. This dwarf is also in need of some professional medical attention. Constantly falling asleep indicates a host of medical issues. Or a heroin addiction.

Happy. There’s something untrustworthy about people that are always happy, always smiling. It’s not natural or normal to always be happy. It’s why people hate clowns.