How “Riverdale” Has Brilliantly Updated Archie

The CW’s Riverdale is a dark, gritty reimagining of the goofy, squeaky-clean Archie comic books. But instead of jalopies and malt shops, Archie and the gang have sex and one of them gets murdered. Fun! Here are just a few of the ways writers had to update the world of Riverdale for Riverdale.

Archie Comics: Archie wore a sweater that had a giant “R” on it.
On Riverdale: Archie wears a sweater that has the word “DUBSTEP” on it.

Archie Comics: Principal Weatherbee and teacher Miss Grundy were not fucking.
On Riverdale: They fuck constantly.

Archie Comics: Jughead wore a little crown, which was briefly popular in the 1940s and is only remembered today because Jughead has continued to wear one in Archie Comics for the last 70 years.
On Riverdale: Jughead will wear two little crowns.

Archie Comics: Jughead spent most of his time, money, and energy eating cheeseburgers and drinking milkshakes.
On Riverdale: Jughead died from diabetes three years ago. He is a ghost who haunts Archie and the gang into making good nutritional choices.

Archie Comics: Pop’s was the diner where Archie and the gang hung out.
On Riverdale: Pop’s is the e-juice vape shop.

Archie Comics: Reggie is an asshole, but the gang hangs out with him anyway.
On Riverdale: The gang doesn’t hang out with Reggie. Because he’s an asshole.

Archie Comics: Moose’s insatiable, cannibalism-driven blood lust claims the lives of hundreds of Riverdale High students.
On Riverdale: The conceit of the show is a single murder mystery.

Archie Comics: Archie drives a jalopy.
On Riverdale: Archie rides around on, get this, a Segway.

Archie Comics: Archie is friends with a band called Josie and the Pussycats.
On Riverdale: From time to time, Archie Snapchats with a feral cat.

Archie Comics: Spoiled, attractive Veronica Lodge is the daughter of the wealthiest plutocrat in Riverdale.
On Riverdale: Veronica and her dad are real close. She’s one of his top business advisors, and he once told a reporter, “If Veronica weren’t my daughter, perhaps I would be dating her.”

Archie Comics: Betty and Veronica fight over Archie.
On Riverdale: Betty and Veronica do, oh, I don’t know, roller derby?

Archie Comics: Archie and the gang play in a band called The Archies.
On Riverdale: Archie and the gang are an actual gang. They kill for sport, for kicks, hell, just to feel something.