The Worst Presidents in American History

1868: The beloved, decorated Civil War general “U.S. America” wins election, but is later revealed to be Confederate general Jefferson Davis in a fake mustache and beard. (Fake mustache and beard technology in the 19th century was not what it is today.)

1896: A very fast train.

1908: The projected, moving image of a train terrifies millions of Americans into electing it their president. The train is routinely bribed by lobbyists into passing laws that benefit the coal and whistle industries.

1912: After winning the presidency with the slogan “The Ship of Dreams,” the Titanic has one of the shortest presidential terms ever when it crashes into an iceberg just four months after the inauguration.

1936: After it’s revealed that he’s spent the majority of his 16-year presidency playing first base for the New York Yankees, President Lou Gehrig resigns. He is replaced by Vice President Cal Ripken, Jr.

1968: Richard Nixon.

1976: The ill-fated Lenny and Squiggy “co-presidency.”

1984: A haunted Rubik’s cube controlled by an evil wizard curses millions of Americans to The Dark Realm. It wouldn’t be until 1989 that President Deborah Gibson would send in enough Rainbow Rangers to free them all.

1996: The entire cast of Caroline in the City, with vice president The Single Guy.

2000–2008: The collective “Revolving Door Presidency” of the many, many Bush family members that were president, including George W. Bush, George Bush, George H.W. Bush, Jeb Bush, George W. Bush II, Jenna Bush, Barbara Bush, Billy Bush, Sophia Bush, Randy Bush, and the dog from those Bush Beans commercials.