Congratulations! You have been chosen to spar with Bob “The Bard” Dylan. After extensive research, we have chosen you due to your complete lack of fighting experience. The Bard has an 80–0 record in his long career, and he’s hungry to get back in the ring.
Location: The Bard’s Gym, behind what was once the 18th Street Coffee House, Santa Monica, California.
Time: Friday at 7:00 p.m
Sparring Match: 8 rounds lasting 2:30 minutes each. That’s the approximate length of “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” or a harmonica solo by The Bard.
A lightweight and breathable head guard.
If you’re looking for a small pet, you’re in luck! We’re extremely excited to profile Cheddar, a two-year-old gerbil, who’d love to have a new family. Cheddar is energetic, inquisitive, and most of all: cute. He’s so sweet, he could get away with murder!
Cheddar has a grey furry coat and weighs about a pound, which is typical for gerbils. But don’t worry. You can easily spot Cheddar by his sharp teeth and freakishly long claws, which he sometimes covers in little black gloves. So cute.
Gerbils love to burrow, and Cheddar is no exception. His cage is full of…
Hello! Thanks for reading this napkin I’ve thrown at you with my number written on it. You looked stunning when I noticed you at the bar for almost ten minutes. I would have come and spoken to you properly, but I’m a little shy.
If you didn’t notice me when I yelled “Hey, you!” before I sprinted out of the bar, I’ve drawn a sketch of myself below. See that little phone next to my face? That’s me, hopefully, if you call. Don’t I look excited? And my pecs look good, right?
I would’ve sketched you too, but you deserve…
Dear Mr. Soup,
My boss keeps asking me to stay late to finish reports I can easily do in the morning. It’s really affecting my home life. I want to stand up to him, but don’t know how. How should I confront him?
— Jeff, 38
We forget the enormous pressure bosses are under. Many I know are too busy to even find time to have a flask of soup during the day, although there are plenty that could be easily drunk, like tomato or carrot.
Hunger only makes things worse. And it forces everyone in the office to…
Sixty years ago, Cupid decided to give me, his faithful assistant, my very own holiday. When I brought it up the next day after he had finally recovered from a horrendous hangover, he called me a filthy liar.
HR got involved. And after I threatened to leave him, Cupid compromised and gave me my appreciation day on Valentine’s. That night he said I deserved it, before passing out into a muddy puddle in an alley behind Reilly’s Pub. That was a very special moment.
That’s the only time he ever came close to thanking me.
Still, every year, I put…
Do find the quietest part of your living room.
Don’t let your family distract you.
Do have a notebook and pen ready to take notes.
Don’t pretend to be frozen the first time you see your date.
Do dress well from the waist up.
Don’t worry about your sweat pants.
Do ask open-ended questions, like “what do you think of my tuxedo T-shirt?”
Don’t hesitate to answer your own questions first.
Do mention your passion for doing spontaneous circus acts.
Don’t juggle and swallow swords while talking.
Do smile, even if they’re telling you a sad story.
Don’t frown, even…
I’m sorry things didn’t work out with Jessica. I guess she loved being a top executive for her vague tech company more than she seemingly loved being a small-time gal. It’s amazing her car magically started working as soon as Christmas Day was over. I guess that’s the Christmas spirit for you.
Look, it’s been six weeks since she left, and I think it’s time someone told you: you need to get it together. Learn from the last eight times.
The same thing happens every year right before Christmas. …
Brian is a writer living in the UK and once played a banjo in a dream he had in 2018.