Andrew Cuomo’s Guide To Celebrities Who Are Secretly Corporations

Brian Lisi
Aug 31, 2018 · 2 min read

Public Persona: Cynthia Nixon

But Is Actually: Apple

Why: Lots of young people seem to like her. Not sure why. Probably involves the Foo Fighters.


Public Persona: Kurt Russell

But Is Actually: Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance

Why: Reliable at the box office. Too reliable. Loved him in “Guardians 2” but also “Overboard” though.


Public Persona: The Undertaker

But Is Actually: Microsoft

Why: Absolutely devastated the Zune just like when he threw Mankind off Hеll in a Cell and plummeted 16 feet through an announcer’s table.


Public Persona: Dennis Franz

But Is Actually: Amazon.com

Why: Offers up everything you could ever want — comedy, drama, action — in the perfect packaging. Can’t stop thinking about his nude ass.


Public Persona: Madeleine Albright

But Is Actually: Best Buy

Why: First female U.S. Secretary of State? More like first place you go to on Black Friday. Unsurpassed knowledge of the Middle East and where my cursor keeps going on my screen.


Public Persona: Keith David

But Is Actually: Costco

Why: The best. Just the best.


Public Persona: Celeste Ng

But Is Actually: Berkshire Hathaway

Why: She doesn’t just have “Little Fires Everywhere,” she has “Major Subsidiaries All Over The Place,” including GEICO, Dairy Queen and Fruit of the Loom.


Public Persona: Andy Cohen

But Is Actually: United Health Group

Why: Absurdly influential but you don’t really think about him too much until, boom, Andy Cohen’s telling you what to do. And you do it. Because he’s Andy Cohen.


Public Persona: Emilio Estevez

But Is Actually: Pfizer

Why: The “Mighty Ducks” trilogy. “St. Elmo’s Fire.” “Men At Work.” The man’s filmography is one giant antidepressant.


Public Persona: Roberta Flack

But Is Actually: Verizon

Why: In the same way that this telecom is quickly becoming a monopoly, you can’t compete with this North Carolina songstress.


Public Persona: Al Roker

But Is Actually: Lockheed Martin

Why: His smile looks like it’s saying, “Enjoy the nice weekend weather,” but his eyes say, “Who needs more bombs to drop on Yemen?”


Public Persona: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

But Is Actually: Johnson & Johnson

Why: C’mon.


Public Persona: Salma Hayek

But Is Actually: General Motors

Why: Staying power, staying power, staying power. Did you see “Beatriz At Dinner”? Did you see how she stole the show in “Desperado”? Talk about fuel leak risk! No one has a history like this.

@BrianLisi

Brian Lisi

Written by

Brian’s written for such outlets as Popular Mechanics, Geek Monthly and the NY Daily News. Find him on Twitter @BrianLisi or just email him at brianlisi1@gmail.

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