Andrew Cuomo’s Guide To Celebrities Who Are Secretly Corporations

Public Persona: Cynthia Nixon
But Is Actually: Apple
Why: Lots of young people seem to like her. Not sure why. Probably involves the Foo Fighters.
Public Persona: Kurt Russell
But Is Actually: Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance
Why: Reliable at the box office. Too reliable. Loved him in “Guardians 2” but also “Overboard” though.
Public Persona: The Undertaker
But Is Actually: Microsoft
Why: Absolutely devastated the Zune just like when he threw Mankind off Hеll in a Cell and plummeted 16 feet through an announcer’s table.
Public Persona: Dennis Franz
But Is Actually: Amazon.com
Why: Offers up everything you could ever want — comedy, drama, action — in the perfect packaging. Can’t stop thinking about his nude ass.
Public Persona: Madeleine Albright
But Is Actually: Best Buy
Why: First female U.S. Secretary of State? More like first place you go to on Black Friday. Unsurpassed knowledge of the Middle East and where my cursor keeps going on my screen.
Public Persona: Keith David
But Is Actually: Costco
Why: The best. Just the best.
Public Persona: Celeste Ng
But Is Actually: Berkshire Hathaway
Why: She doesn’t just have “Little Fires Everywhere,” she has “Major Subsidiaries All Over The Place,” including GEICO, Dairy Queen and Fruit of the Loom.
Public Persona: Andy Cohen
But Is Actually: United Health Group
Why: Absurdly influential but you don’t really think about him too much until, boom, Andy Cohen’s telling you what to do. And you do it. Because he’s Andy Cohen.
Public Persona: Emilio Estevez
But Is Actually: Pfizer
Why: The “Mighty Ducks” trilogy. “St. Elmo’s Fire.” “Men At Work.” The man’s filmography is one giant antidepressant.
Public Persona: Roberta Flack
But Is Actually: Verizon
Why: In the same way that this telecom is quickly becoming a monopoly, you can’t compete with this North Carolina songstress.
Public Persona: Al Roker
But Is Actually: Lockheed Martin
Why: His smile looks like it’s saying, “Enjoy the nice weekend weather,” but his eyes say, “Who needs more bombs to drop on Yemen?”
Public Persona: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
But Is Actually: Johnson & Johnson
Why: C’mon.
Public Persona: Salma Hayek
But Is Actually: General Motors
Why: Staying power, staying power, staying power. Did you see “Beatriz At Dinner”? Did you see how she stole the show in “Desperado”? Talk about fuel leak risk! No one has a history like this.
@BrianLisi
