Mother Theresa Playing Lawn Jarts By Brian Mallman

God: I’m done with humans. They’re too much work. I just failed to stop some dude in ankle socks and flip flops from puting Meow Mix in his bosses sheet cake .

Satan: I gave him that idea… Classic.

God: You won. The overgrown frat boy did it. Take a victory lap. I’m done trying to redeem the souls of Fox News-loving armchair Klansmen.

Satan: I won? Are you giving up?

God: I’m quitting this “All-Mighty” racket to focus on myself for a while. I’ve got a new juicer and an AMAZING pair of yoga pants. …

Rent is expensive! Why live in a dank closet with five potential serial killers when you can get a palatial space all to yourself? Rent a bounce house and use these tips to make it feel like home.


Before purchasing lamps, remember that with one bounce they go from pretty to projectile. String lights are your best option. They bring warm light and create the illusion of sleeping under the stars…Which is where you’ll be if this bounce house doesn’t work out.


Don’t over decorate. …

Illustration: Brian Mallman

Did Santa just say what I think he said?

Now way! Are you yanking my reins? Donner, did you know about this?

That red-nosed, stocking stuffer leading the sleigh!?!?! He’ll get us killed!!

This is the first I’ve heard of it.

Seriously? He couldn’t guide Santa on a trip to the outhouse. The only thing he’s good at is licking Santa’s boots.

I think Ol’ Saint Nitwit has too much nog in his noggin.

Santa promoted him because of the fog? What a load of elf droppings! …

Illustration: Brian Mallman

I grew up on the poor side of Asskrack, Wisconsin. Even though my clothes smelled like dairy farm runoff, and my only toys were the bones from freeway roadkill, I knew I was WAY too good for that flown-over, dolt farm of a town. I needed to get out and live my best life, with the best people, in the best city to ever sprout on this dirt-ball we call earth! Right after I’m done living in New York.

When I’m finally in L.A. I can act like I miss the toxic black winter slush and the heavy summertime scent…

Illustration: Brian Mallman

It may seem like Trump is the first President to blatantly fill his pockets, enrich his family, and play endless rounds of socialized golf. In fact our country has a long tradition of being run by grifters, hucksters, and con-men.

George Washington

The popular story of soldiers freezing in the Valley Forge snow was developed as cover by George Washington’s PR firm. The soldiers actually rode out the winter in luxurious rooms at Washington‘s Valley Forge Resort And Casino. Government funded “Whiskey Rivers” flowed, and the men kept frequent company with adult theater stars. …

Brian Mallman

Writing some stuff

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