i will not touch you until i am better

and i am still trying to figure out what i mean by that

what better means to me

you feel so good but you are so temporary

and you leave my problems subdued

and smoothed over

i am abstaining and i can feel everything build up

it makes me feel weak, and i do not want to live this life

but i am strong and i do want to live this life

for my mom

for my family

for myself

i will stay away from you until i truly know who i am and what i want

i do not want to guise myself anymore

i have never accepted who i was

you made it so much easier for me to forget about self-realization

but i do not want to run away anymore

and it becomes difficult, becauuse you serve as a gateway to long-lasting relationships

you medicate heal and bond

but i have used you in excess

and if i have to go through this alone

so be it

because if there is anything that She has showed me

it is that you will ultimately travel on this journey alone

you are your biggest best friend

and your most important supporter

and you will carry on

you will write and keep carrying on

you will cry and keep carrying on

you will smile and carry on

you will walk

until you feel yourself coming into you again

like a pair of old shoes, feet slipping in as you feel all of the old memories merge into you

like clashing waves

and hands that hold each other

bri, i am waiting. stay sober. cry. i wait for you. i welcome you. i love you.

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