Fear and Loathing in the Left Lane: Slowpokes and the American Highway

A friend of mine was feeling blue. He told me he felt like he didn’t matter. It was rather heartbreaking to hear the struggle in his voice. Rather than give him some corny, overused cliche to comfort him, I offered a solution.

“Get into your car, hop on the nearest highway, get into the left lane, and do fifteen miles per hour under the speed limit,” I said. “You’ll find out very quickly that you do matter.”

We’ve all been there — cruising down the highway, relaxed, happy, when suddenly you’re trapped behind a leisurely driver who’s turtle walking in the left lane. Sometimes it’s an elderly person (sorry grandma). Other times it’s drivers who think they can text their significant other while they navigate the road (compulsive phone addicted swine). Or maybe it’s someone who has to make a left turn in sixteen miles and doesn’t want to change lanes. It’s also people who don’t understand how traffic works. In the worst cases, it’s drivers who don’t care about anyone but themselves. It’s their world and we have to ride their ass as they cruise to their destination. “There’s two other lanes, go around me,” they say, completely disregarding laws and common traffic courtesy.

I don’t care why anyone drives slow in the left lane, but they are menaces to society who must be stopped.

Slow drivers in the left lane disrupt the natural flow of traffic. It infuriates almost every single driver on the road, too. According to a study conducted by the National Motorists Association, left-lane slow drivers are responsible for causing a staggering 50% of the congestion witnessed on highways. This same study revealed that slow left-lane drivers can inflate travel times by a daunting 50%. I don’t know anything about the information gathering of these studies, but 50+50 equals one hundred, and 100% of slow drivers in the left lane piss me off.

What if someone is having a heart attack? What if a baby is about to be born and the new dad is hustling the soon-to-be mother to the hospital? How about a single mother dropping her kids off to school before rushing to a job interview that could change her life? What if I want to exercise my right to free speed? Too bad because there’s some dork clogging up an entire highway impeding on my American liberty.

The left lane is for passing, as the signs littered on highways (and traffic laws) state, “Keep Right Except for Passing.” Not doing this leads to terrible results. Traffic jams, drivers dangerously swerving through lanes, tailgating, honking, pissed-off Americans, accidents and/or an assembly line of cars playing follow the leader while driving below the posted speed limit, passing no one.

We know the problem, but how do we fix it? Education? Doubtful. Our schools aren’t what they used to be. Most universities in our country are nothing more than well-dressed community colleges. They’ll take the tired, sick, and poor, as long as future students can be approved for a loan and their money is green. Hell, even Trump tried to get into the scam by starting his own university in the early 2000s.

What about law enforcement? They’re never around when you need them. Besides, they’ll bust drivers for going too fast, but never too slow. Higher speeds lead to larger fines. Bigger charges, more revenue, and a hard pat on the back for Officer Johnny. Who can blame our cops for wanting to see big numbers on the radar gun? It’s exciting. A high-speed chase sounds like an adventure. Unless it’s O.J. Simpson a slow-speed chase isn’t exactly sexy. Side note, is it possible to set up a speed trap that catches slow drivers? Of course not. What kind of unequal highway justice system do we live in?

And how do we address generational slow driving? You know, the people whose parents always drove slow in the left lane. Their grandparents did, too. And their parents before them. On and on. At this point, there’s generations and generations of left-lane slow drivers. We have a culture of slow driving that may never be broken. Can we undo it? I don’t think so.

The simplest solution is for people to stop being so self-important. On the roads, put others first, unless of course, you’re in a rush and need to use the left lane. However, in our individualistic, “me-first” culture, this will never happen. That’s why I think the fines for slow drivers in the left lane should be astronomical. Thousands of dollars in fees, a mandatory court appointment, points on the license, and a stern scolding. The only way to stop this disturbing trend is to show it won’t be tolerated.

If you’re in the left lane, passing no one, and can’t see the headlights of the car behind you, do the world a favor, and move the hell over!