This is the moment I knew I was gay. (Hint: it’s not what you think.)

We all come to the realization about our sexuality at different ages and moments. Here was mine.

Brian Rowe
Apr 7 · 9 min read
Photo by Free-Photos at Pixabay

It’s so hard to designate a moment in time when you realize you are gay.

It didn’t work that way for me at all.


So I didn’t come out of the closet.

The late ’90s and early 2000s were definitely a different time.


I pushed through the rest of my high school experience focused on being creative.

There was a boy I directed in five movies in a row over the course of two years I had the biggest crush on in the world, but I couldn’t say anything, to him, or to anyone.


Then, right after high school graduation, there was a moment.

No, it’s not what you think. This isn’t the story of a first kiss, or the first holding of a hand, or anything like that.


But it was absolutely the moment I knew I was gay.

And I also talked to somebody that weekend who was, by far, the most beautiful person I had ever seen.


Alex stayed by my side throughout all these events.

Wouldn’t you know it — my roommate for the night was Alex.


Again though, the moment I knew I was gay is not what you think.

And then suddenly… Alex disappeared.


Finally, I went to a computer room to sign up for my classes for the fall, and there he was across the room.

I was running like a person runs at the end of a cheesy romantic comedy.


He was gone.

I could see possibility still to come at this school in the next four years.


Alex had left me a note.

Brian, hope you have a good summer. E-mail me, OK?


It truly was the equivalent of a cheesy romance movie ending.

I was eighteen years old. I was gay. And there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.


Brian Rowe

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Author / Teacher / MFA in Fiction. I write MG & YA suspense novels!