New York City? Sorry, it’s done. Toast. Over. Put a fork in it.

I know it’s one of the greatest cities in the world. So what? The rents are high and an abandoned mine shaft is free. You can’t beat that.

I’ve been in this city for 19 years and I have some great memories: Eating at Nobu with Heidi Klum and my rock-star friend who was banging Heidi Klum. Standing in Times Square with my rock-star friend and Heidi Klum, looking at a billboard featuring my rock-star friend who was banging Heidi Klum. …


“Enjoy your Cabernet, imperialist bigot!”

What happens when a wine bar you put capital into turns “anti-capitalist” and chooses piousness and hectoring over profitability and hospitality?

No idea. But we’ll find out. Soon.

A while back, I saw a Brooklyn wine bar-to-be looking to raise money. I read their pitch and liked it. The entrepreneurs hailed from California, as did the concept— Californian wines, available in flights, served with tapas from an open kitchen in a sleek, modern atmosphere. I saw potential, so I pulled the trigger on a 48-month commitment for a 1.5X return.

Last spring I was invited to bring guests to the…


Liar!

For twenty-two years, STAN ROSENWEIG enjoyed amazing success as owner of the Upper East Side’s Lox & Liver Deli. Within four months of relocating to Carmody, Idaho he was forced to shutter the place, citing local apprehension to “Jew food.”

Dog-walker KEYA WHITE made an under-the-table fortune with her Greenwich Village dog-walking business. After relocating to Muddy Gap, Wyoming she has a single client — a Labrador named Yoda.

Since moving to be closer to his wife’s family in Texas, Broadway veteran DAVID MICHAEL DUPREE has had one acting gig: a non-union cable spot for Waco Muffler.

BENNY SINGH put…


It all starts with a match.

Ladies, there are men who want to take advantage of you!

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Yes, his name is Barry and he tried to buy me a drink three times.”

But, I’m not talking about Barry, ladies! I’m talking about different guys. Guys who make Barry look like a catch. Guys who want to take advantage of you so badly that they’re willing to go to incredible lengths.

The worst part? They can actually accomplish their goal without ever meeting you in person.

Now you’re wondering what the hell I’m talking about. Good. Because it’s important that…


Table Mountain, Cape Town, South Africa

South Africa is a gorgeous country with a profoundly corrupt president, beautiful scenery, fine wine, and some of the dumbest border control policy I’ve ever come across.

Ever.

I’m a savvy traveler. Met my wife during a trip to Europe. We eventually made kids, and in an effort to make them worldly we’ve dragged them to different places in Europe, South America and Asia. Rich countries. Poor countries. Never a hitch.

And then we took them to South Africa.

We checked in with Emirates at New York/JFK for the first leg of our schlep. Their A380 superjumbo is amazing. There…


Thank you, your honor.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’d like to ask that you avert your gaze from me as I speak, because I’m worried it will detract from what I say.

What I have to say is important, and I don’t want you to be all like, “Why is he shirtless? Why does he have a cross painted on his face?” because then you’ll be missing the point of my speech, which is that I didn’t do no robbery from Stokie’s Market.

Being your own lawyer is not something I would recommend, by the way. Do I…


  • As the customer enters the store, make sure to greet them with a cheerful “Hello, welcome to Staples!” so that they feel welcome. Personally interacting with a customer reduces the chances of them shoplifting.
  • After the customer has walked 8 feet, have another employee welcome the person to Staples again. When a customer is greeted mere seconds after having been greeted, they are less likely to shoplift because they begin to worry they could be greeted again at any moment.
  • Once the customer has entered the store and begins shopping, have an employee introduce themselves to the customer and ask…


Navy SEALs doing something. Photo courtesy US Dept. of Defense.

Since Navy SEALs are the go-to information source for all listicles, we asked former SEAL Tim Lippert to tell us how he would apply his SEAL training to conquering the all-you-can-eat breakfast bar.

PREPARE FOR THE ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BREAKFAST BAR

“By the time we dropped into Osama bin Laden’s compound in Abbottabad, we’d been training in a full-scale model of it for weeks. We knew exactly where the doors would be, how many steps it would take to get from point A to point B, where to expect resistance, where the laundry was hung, everything.”

Lippert’s advice on an all-you-can-eat breakfast…


Courtesy Pixabay

A week ago I awoke, bleary-eyed and exhausted. I’d been up until past three in the morning watching the election results. I stayed up to witness the conventional wisdom get turned on its head. I’d gone to bed too tired to take my makeup off. I’d gone to bed knowing that the President-elect was Donald Trump.

But Miss Meowsers, my kitty cat? She still had no idea.

Miss Meowsers had gone to bed early. No doubt she’d spent the evening dreaming of cornering a terrified mouse and slowly murdering it. Cats love that so much!

But it was a new…

Brian Sack

I write for fun, or money. Once I had a TV show, now I have a podcast like everyone else! qmpodcast.com

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