The third-year knight Sir Deebo Samuel sat atop his horse and looked out onto the field that would soon be covered with blood. He’d been a promising young warrior, but had spent most of the previous war plagued with injury sustained in battle. In his absence, another Knight — Sir Aiyuk — had swooped in and stolen his glory on the battlefield with the very moves Sir Deebo had perfected. But this time he was stronger. This time he had something to prove, and he was eager for the battle to begin.
The Lion nation were not a proud, noble race as one might imagine, but scrawny, scraggly beasts, their sad manes matted with black oil. They reeked of doubt and fear. Even they did not believe they had a chance of victory. They dragged themselves to the site of the battle through sheer obligation rather than with any sort of purpose.
The King of the Lions, a sickly little runt named Goff, winced at the shining red and gold armor of the Niners in front of him. “Oh, these guys again,” he said. For when he was but a cub, King Goff had disguised himself in sheep’s wool and tried to blend in, longing to be one of them. From there, he had tried to lead a sheep uprising, but the Niners had easily subdued him time and time again.
King Jimmy laughed at the pathetic army King Goff had assembled from his true countrymen. “If you will not surrender, then let us do battle. We will even let you have the first charge.”
King Goff slunk back to his side and readied his troops for war.
The Niners were not ready for King Goff’s first attack. He ran his troops right through the middle of the Niners’ formation. Behind them, the lion cub Hockenson charged through, slaying 22 men.
Niners General Warner spit on the ground and gathered his men. “We must hold this line,” he yelled, personally wrestling a large lion soldier to the ground. “Hold!” The lions set up for another charge, but the lead slipped in the mud and stumbled to the ground.
King Jimmy had everything to prove. He would show the whole kingdom that he was the rightful ruler. He nodded to Sir Deebo, who was ready to prove himself once again. King Jimmy took the first step forward and immediately fell on his face, dropping his crown in lion shit.
The lion army immediately capitalized on the error, kicking King Jimmy’s crown from him and charging during the confusion. However, they were greedy in their sudden fortune, and tried to go for a killing blow. Their master archer took aim at King Jimmy’s chest, but the arrow flew to the left, missing him.
“That little fucker,” said King Jimmy. He grabbed his crown back from a fallen lion and wiped it off on his cape, then returned it to his head. “Now we attack!”
Sir Mostert led the first charge, trampling 18 lions in his first few seconds. Next to him, Sir Kittle smiled and ran over 23 lions. “Try to keep up!” he shouted.
King Jimmy threw his head back and laughed as he followed behind his knights, the smell of lion blood invigorating him. But just as he was about to plunge his sword into another scared beast, the Wizard Shanahan teleported him to the hill overlooking the battle.
“Oh, whoops,” said the Wizard. “That’s strange.”
King James stomped his feet. “What the hell, Wizard!?”
“It seems I may have accidentally switched you and the Prince’s positions,” said the Wizard. “It is only temporary. Probably.” He shrugged.
“Son of a bitch, I was just about to slay a general.” King Jimmy looked down to the ensuing battle.
The Prince, looking smug as ever, didn’t even stumble after being teleported into battle. He drew his sword and swung it at the lion general, but whiffed, tripping over a dead lion on the ground.
“Oh no, this spell is a little unstable,” said the Wizard Shanahan. King Jimmy was transported back to the battle, took out 7 lions with one swing of his sword, locked eyes with the lion general, and then found himself back at the wizard’s side.
“Oh come on, I had him.”
The Wizard Shanahan shrugged. “Well, if you think about the positive, the lion army also has no idea what we’re doing.”
King Jimmy furled his brow as the Prince looked into the eyes of the Lion General and stabbed him through the heart. Sir Sherfield joined in, beheading the general. “Should have been my kill,” muttered King Jimmy.
But elsewhere on the battlefield, Sir Deebo grinned. As long as it wasn’t Sir Aiyuk, then he still had a chance to prove he was the most noble knight of all.
The lion army regrouped around King Goff and attempted another charge. A few quick strikes and they broke their way through the Niner’s defense and charged toward King Jimmy.
“My King,” said Sir Mostert, “I shall not let them touch a single hair on your beautiful head.” He slammed down his visor and rode at oncoming wave of lions, disappearing into the cloud of dust the charge had kicked up. It was if he had reached into the air and grabbed the dust itself with how fast the cloud halted its forward progress. From the fog came only the clang of sword on armor and feline screams of agony. When the dust settled, only a few lions remained, retreating back with the tail between their legs. But Sir Mostert lay on the ground, holding his knee, and they knew he would fight no more in this war.
“That was a close one,” said the Wizard Shanahan. “We need to strike them harder. We need a hero.”
Sir Deebo stepped forward, his biceps flexing in the wind. “I’m ready, wizard.”
The wizard looked to King Jimmy, who stroked his chin.
“Yes, I believe he is.”
Sir Deebo dug his heels into his horse and galloped at the disorganized lions, hitting their flank and taking out almost 30 soldiers in his first pass. He swung around for another pass, but before he could get there Sir Mitchell hit them from the other side, running straight through their ranks and running his spear through the heart of another lion general.
King Goff roared in anger, but it came out as only a quiet whimper. Still, even the lion’s disorganized counterattack was able to make more headway than expected. The Niners closed ranks and were able to halt the advance, but at the cost of many men.
It battle was much closer than the Wizard Shanahan liked. “Let’s speed things up,” said the wizard, opening up his spell book.
Sir Deebo led another charge, making several passes at the scrambling lions, but couldn’t land the killing blow on the lion leadership. So instead, he ran a distraction, allowing Sir Mitchell and Sir Hasty to finish what he could not.
Finally the Niners were making progress in marching on the lion’s castle. “Ah ha!” said the Wizard Shanahan, “this is the spell I need.” He started his incantation, and down on the field Sir Greenlaw watched his sword glow with magic energy. An archer took note and aimed at Sir Greenlaw, whose sword deflected the shot back at the crowd of lions, hitting a lion general in the neck. He fell to his knees, dead before his head hit the ground. The Niners cheered and stormed toward the castle, swarming over panicking lion warriors.
Sir Kittle led the charge, punching lions off their feet, but they soon met fierce resistance near the castle. The lions and the Niners embroiled in a knockdown, drag-out fight, countless men dying on either side in the stalled offensive.
Sir Deebo had gotten man kills, but nothing that truly elevated him in the eyes of the wizard or the king. His rival had done more to make Sir Deebo look good by doing nothing than Sir Deebo was able to do by doing moderately well. He needed to do something truly brave and noteworthy. He separated from the melee and rode alone at a group of lion reserve soldiers. He removed a throwing knife from its sheath and flicked it at the group of unsuspecting soldiers, hitting the captain in the chest and killing him instantly.
The move threw the lions into disarray once again. The battle seemed lost, and the Niners believed it so. However, they had never faced the Wizard Campbell. It was difficult to cast counter spells to magic they had no knowledge of. He unleashed a swarm of knee biting beetles. The insects formed a thick cloud of chitin and teeth and descended on the presumptive victors, latching onto their tunics and crawling in their armor, biting at their knees.
“Hold steady, men,” said the Wizard Shanahan. “There’s no chance of our defeat now.” But if anybody in the wizarding community was known for losing unlosable situations, it was the Wizard Shanahan. He swallowed hard, his hands shaking as he flipped through his spell book.
Still, King Jimmy advanced, unburdened by any random teleportation. They managed to strike down another lion general, leaving almost no leadership left as they eyed the looming castle. But a stealth lion assassin snuck deep into the Niner lines and took out Sir Verrett and disappeared before anybody noticed. The Knight had been charged with guarding the left flank, and suddenly the Niners looked vulnerable.
With only six furlongs to go, Sir Deebo urged King Jimmy to move past the loss and sack the castle. “Toss me another spear,” said the knight. “I will finish this.” King Jimmy nodded and tossed a spear his way, but the throw was errant and the spear fell to the ground.
King Goff himself picked up that spear and roared, slightly louder than he had roared before, but still unheard by most.
But the Wizard Shanahan heard it. He pulled back his toughest generals, and had them retreat with their fiercest fighters. He reasoned they could take the castle with the backup soldiers. “Just run at the walls,” he said.
The Niners advanced to within two furlongs of the castle, but the lions refused to turn and run as expected. Instead, they threw sand in the eyes of Sir Kittle and stole his shield. If they couldn’t win, they’d at least go out fighting dirty, it appeared. The lions scrambled into the throngs of the Niner soldiers, killing many men in pointless violence. Still, the army moved toward the castle, pulling within one furlong.
Sir Deebo could see the man on the wall responsible for pulling up the drawbridge. If he could just take the man out, they wouldn’t have to scale the walls. They could walk right in the front door. “King Jimmy, your spear!” Sir Deebo asked again. This time he would catch it and fling it at the gateman. He would save the day and claim the castle almost single handedly.
Sir Jimmy tossed him the spear, and it the throw was true. Sir Deebo turned his horse and charged toward the gateman, whose eyes widened with fear. Sir Deebo felt the weight of doubt lifting off of his shoulders as he cocked his arm back. The injuries, the waiting, the loss of stature in King Jimmy’s court. He would regain it all. But before he could throw the spear, a lion hit him from the side, knocking him clean off of his horse and into the mud, just at the base of the draw bridge. He watched helplessly as the spear slid across the mud and into the moat. He slammed his fists into the ground and watched as the lions mounted one last counter attack as the drawbridge raised behind them.
At the end of the day, the defense was fruitless and the lion castle fell, but Sir Deebo didn’t even bother to go inside. He sat out in the mud until long after the sun had set. On the winds he could hear the laughter of Sir Aiyuk coming for his spot at the King’s table.
This is part 1 in an ongoing series chronicling the 2021 Season of the San Francisco 49ers with a fictional narrative. All incidents and dialogue are products of the author’s imagination and are not to be construed as real. Where real-life figures appear, the situations, incidents, and dialogues concerning those persons are entirely fictional and are not intended to depict actual events or to change the entirely fictional nature of the work. In all other respects, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
