5 Lessons from The Lost Years by Kristina Wandzilak and Constance Curry

Reading the Same Book with Three Different Perspectives

When I was 11 years old and in 5th grade in 2010, I read The Lost Years by Kristina Wandzilak and Constance Curry for the first time after being intrigued by the show Addicted on TLC. No, I was not a genius child; I was simply a child who was trying to understand why my dad went to jail that prior winter and why my older cousins who babysat me during that time exhibited such perplexing behavior. The second time was when I was an 18-year-old high school senior and preparing for my addicted cousin to be released from prison that summer. I have most recently read the book for the third time as a now 23-year-old who is still dealing with family addiction and the stresses of post-college life. When life gets difficult, I know I must go back to the basics, which compelled me to pick up the book again.

Now possessing the wisdom and maturity of an adult, I am astonished at all the universal life lessons that are woven into this poignant, powerful story. The five principal life lessons that are included in The Lost Years by Kristina Wandzilak and Constance Curry are:

1. Forgiveness is the Key to Freedom

“I believe that forgiveness is the secret to freedom, and freedom is the secret to a life well-lived. I believe with everything that is in me that if I can change my life, if my family and I can find ourselves again, then there is hope for all addicts and their families.”

-Kristina, p. 270

The most profound lesson in this book is that forgiveness is the key to freedom. I was blown away by all of the people Kristina managed to forgive in her recovery, including her alcoholic dad, codependent mom, drug-addicted ex-boyfriend, the man who raped her, and -most importantly- herself. I thought it was incredibly impressive how Kristina developed close relationships with her parents and siblings in recovery, which was made possible through the power of forgiveness.

2. Let Go of Control

“Feeling humble and powerless, I gave her over to God for a final time. Accepting that I was completely powerless, a wave of relief rushed over me and a weight lifted from me. When I got up to leave, I faced the world with a lighter heart. The acceptance of my limitation gave me the courage to go on.” -Constance, p. 91–92

“It was more like standing back and watching things happen without needing to direct or control the outcome…With detachment, I could simply allow my children to live their lives.” -Constance, p. 137

Constance had to learn the difficult lesson of letting go of control. Before Kristina became addicted, she believed that life would unfold precisely how she planned it and that raising her children in the traditional ways of her upbringing would guarantee that. However, after Kristina escaped from rehab for the third time during the worst snowstorm in 50 years with nothing but the clothes on her back, Constance realized she was powerless.

By the end of the book, Constance becomes a lot more carefree, honest, assertive, stronger, and able to see the gray areas of life. Going through the struggles of family addiction and codependency recovery made her a better, happier person.

3. Accept Responsibility for Our Lives

“I was furious that I had done this to myself. To myself? It was then reality hit me. For the first time in my life it became clear that I had done this to myself, and that there was no one coming to save me or take care of me.” -Kristina, p. 169

“What I have learned over all these years is that it is not the adversity itself, but how I handled it that has come to define my life.” -Constance, p. 268

Kristina realized that she had to work on herself, rebuild her life, and stay sober for herself. She learned that she had to be her own hero. She achieved this goal by doing intense therapeutic work, attending 12-Step programs, finding her own place to live, getting a job, earning her GED, studying addiction counseling, and eventually becoming one of the most revered addiction interventionists/experts in the country.

Constance also had to take responsibility for her life. During the family group at Kristina’s rehab, she took responsibility for her role in the dysfunctional family dynamic. Divorcing her husband was a scary decision, especially because she was a homemaker for most of her marriage. Still, she mustered the courage to do so and created a better life for herself and her children.

4. Being True to Ourselves

“Everything I’d done in my life in the last years was either for him or because of him…He had no power over me; the truth was I had no power. I always wanted to please him instead of being true to myself…I needed to figure out how to be true to myself, even if that might disappoint someone else.” -Kristina, describing her codependent relationship with her ex-boyfriend who introduced her to drugs, p. 176

The slogan of Codependents Anonymous is Shakespeare’s quote, “To thine own self be true.” We have to be true to ourselves. This includes speaking the truth about our needs and wants, expressing our feelings, standing up for ourselves when someone is not treating us right, setting boundaries in our relationships, and making decisions that are in our best interests even if other people may be disappointed.

5. Addiction is a Disease

“I remember telling my best friend I wanted to go to school in Santa Barbara or UCLA, or Stanford on a swimming scholarship. Everybody’s All-American Girl.”

-Kristina, p. 132.

The National Institute on Drug Abuse defines addiction as a “chronic, relapsing brain disease that is characterized by repeated drug use and misuse despite experiencing harmful consequences.” Kristina did not want to grow up to be a drug addict and an alcoholic. No child wants to grow up to be an addict. Mental health issues and painful life circumstances bring a person to that point.

As frustrating as it is to deal with a family member who has an addiction, we must remember that addiction is a disease and practice patience, compassion, and understanding as much as possible.

A Relevant Recovery Read for 2023

The Lost Years was published in 2006, and the story’s events occurred in the 1980s and 1990s. While the addiction field is constantly evolving, the story is still an excellent, relevant recovery read in 2023. This is because it includes many essential life lessons and tools for people struggling with addiction and codependency.

Even if someone is fortunate not to be struggling with an addiction or a loved one’s addiction, they can still benefit from reading The Lost Years. The lessons and themes are universal and can be applied to our struggles in the human experience. I highly recommend this book as a self-help or even a pleasure read.