Eight Lessons I Learned from Being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
1. We Cannot Control Other People
We cannot control other people’s choices, beliefs, values, preferences, feelings, opinions, etc. If the property does not belong to us, we cannot control it. Realizing that we are powerless over others is liberating. We can objectively observe other people’s lives without feeling the need to interfere.
Much of the insanity of family addiction stems from feeling the need to control. Unfortunately, we cannot make our loved ones get into recovery and create better lives for themselves. We cannot save them; they can only save themselves. This is a valuable lesson that can be applied to all of our relationships.
2. Acceptance of Reality
I have learned that practicing acceptance is about accepting the reality of a situation and taking the appropriate course of action. When we resist the reality of a situation, we are only making it more painful for ourselves by delaying the right course of action.
I had to accept that my drug-addicted cousin does not wish to be a part of my life and continues to make poor decisions. I originally had to go through the grieving process, but I eventually came to accept the reality of it. From there, I decided to detach from the situation by not dwelling on the desire to change his mind or fix his life. I also blocked him and his side of the family on social media. While I do not approve of my cousin’s behavior, I accept the reality of it and detach from it for my highest good.
3. Life Is Not Black and White
Nothing can teach us about life not being black and white better than the crisis of family addiction. Loving someone who struggles with addiction often puts us in situations that force us to compromise our boundaries, values, and morals.
My mom and I have had to compromise our boundaries about not helping my dad obtain alcohol on numerous occasions. One time, my dad attempted to walk to the liquor store when he was barely able to stand up immediately after my mom told him that she would not buy him alcohol or drive him to the liquor store. We could not risk him hitting his head on the sidewalk or getting hit by a car; therefore, she ended up buying him the alcohol. Even though this was enabling, we could not be cruel enough to allow him to get killed in the name of this ideal.
4. We Are Not Responsible for Other People’s Feelings
Growing up in a family plagued by addiction and dysfunction often sends the false message that we are responsible for other people’s feelings. Our parents may have told us “I wouldn’t drink/do drugs if you weren’t so bad,” “You make me mad,” “You embarrass me,” or “You will give me a heart attack.” This is why many adult children of alcoholics become people-pleasers and approval-seekers in adulthood, which can cause us to neglect our needs in relationships.
Everyone is coming from their own story and living in their own world. Therefore, their opinions about us are reflection of the world that exists inside of them. We will always encounter people who like and dislike us. Someone else’s opinion of us belongs in their yard. We must keep our eyes on our own yard and focus on making it beautiful.
5. Setting Boundaries
We do not have to tolerate mistreatment or abuse from anyone. While it is true that “hurt people hurt people,” that fact is not a license for someone to abuse us. We can have compassion for people without allowing them to hurt us.
Many people end up in abusive situations because they do not know how to appropriately set boundaries and therefore can easily be manipulated into believing that the abuse is their fault. We need to appropriately set boundaries in our relationships for safety reasons.
6. Practicing Self-Care
Self-care is necessary for us to be the best version of ourselves in all of our affairs. We must take the time to indulge in our favorite activities and take a step back from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Our lives need to include a healthy balance of business and leisure.
7. The Importance of Spirituality
Finding a spiritual path of our own understanding helps us cope with the challenges of being an adult child of an alcoholic. Many of us have left our original religions for reasons such as excessive rigidity, judgement, and superstition. The good news is we do not have to belong to an organized religion or even believe in a supernatural higher power to be spiritual. We only have to be willing to have an awakening to our personal spirits and to see the deeper meanings of life. There are many paths to spirituality; we must find which one speaks to each of our unique souls.
8. The Importance of Self-Esteem
We must love ourselves first. When we love, honor, accept, and respect ourselves, recovery behaviors such as letting go of control, setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and relying on spirituality becomes easier. This is because loving ourselves means that we do not depend on other people, our profession, or other external sources for fulfillment. We live life from the inside out. We must find peace within ourselves, and everything else will fall into place.
