How To Deal With Those Who Are Not in Recovery
Recovery from addiction, codependency, adult children of alcoholic issues, or any other problem is exhilarating. Living in recovery is an amplified life that allows us to take a higher perspective on situations, use better coping skills, learn new relationship tools, and -for some of us- grow deeper into our religious/spiritual faith. When we cross the bridge to a better life, we may be tempted to drag loved ones over to the other side with us. We may even struggle with survivor’s guilt. This is especially true if we are empathic people who are prone to codependency.
Five Tips for Dealing With Those Who Are Not in Recovery
1. Accept and Respect Their Journey
We are all on our own journeys. We learn our lessons in our own times and our own ways. Some people never find a better way of life and die addicted or in other misery. That is their problem, not ours.
The key to acceptance is to stop wishing the situation was different. This means not dwelling on where we think they should be. The key to respect is not to criticize, chastise, or try to fix them. We just have to love them, pray for them/wish them the best, and let them be who they are. They are on the journey they are supposed to be on for their soul, so we should not disrupt it.
2. Protect Our Energy/Do Not Allow Manipulation
When we are around these individuals, we need to protect our energy. This includes practicing acceptance, not trying to change them, not taking their toxic behavior personally, and not allowing their toxic behavior to drain our energy or hurt us.
Toxic/unhealed people will likely invalidate our feelings, criticize our healthier lifestyle, and even mock our recovery at some point. These are all attempts at gaslighting and manipulation. In situations like this, we must stand in our truth. We can say, “Well, those are my feelings/views. Please respect them even if you do not understand them,” “I am sorry that you feel that way, but I am doing/feeling/thinking this anyway,” “That is what works for me. Please respect that.” We should not allow them to sway our feelings, views, or actions.
3. Do Not Try to Fix Them
Trying to force the solution of getting our loved ones into recovery or seeing the truth about something (e.g., an abusive relationship, living a deeper spiritual life, or a social justice issue) is self-defeating. By trying to control other people’s behavior and thinking, we let them control us. In most cases, we will only receive more resistance and risk losing loved ones. This behavior is codependent and, therefore, not accepting/respecting someone else’s journey.
Our job is not to become evangelists for the recovery cause, religion/spirituality, or “truth.” Instead, our job is to love people as we love ourselves.
4. Validate Their Feelings
When a non-recovering person contacts us to vent about their problems, the best we can do is validate their feelings by showing love, compassion, and understanding. We should do this even if their problems or feelings are a product of destructive behavior or opposing thinking (e.g., a family member complaining about their addicted spouse, or a friend who has different political views being upset about an outcome of an election). Someone venting their problems to us is not always a request for solutions.
5. Amputate With Love
All the above behaviors are examples of detaching with love, which means respectfully separating ourselves from someone else’s bothersome behavior. This is different from amputation, which is to completely cut off contact with someone. Sometimes, people are so toxic that we must disassociate from them entirely. If we must do this, we should do it out of love and respect for ourselves, not to punish or control the other person.
