How to Improve Your Self-Esteem
My Struggle with Self-Esteem
I struggled with self-esteem for the first 19 years of my life. When I was in preschool, I remember looking in the mirror and thinking I was ugly. I am a Chinese adoptee, so I wished I had blonde hair and blue eyes like the magazine models, thanks to White Eurocentric beauty standards. I remember looking at the class projects on the classroom wall and thinking the ones made by the other kids were better.
This problem only progressed as I got older and experienced bullying, parental alcoholism, and other traumas. By the time I found quality mental health treatment at 19, I had no self-esteem, sense of self, and a truckload of shame. A significant part of my first year in counseling was spent building self-esteem and getting to know myself apart from my issues.
7 Ways to Improve Your Self-Esteem
1. Mirror Affirmations
This sounds corny, but it works! Say a list of affirmations about yourself, at least two to three times each, while making eye contact with yourself in the mirror. You can start by saying them after you have your hair and makeup done, but eventually, you should progress to saying them before you apply even a stitch of makeup.
I also recommend recording yourself reciting your affirmations and listening to them when you can. This will make you super comfortable with the sound of your voice on recording.
2. Say Three Nice Things for Every Negative Thing
When I was in eighth grade, my teachers had a rule, “If you say one mean thing about someone, you have to say three nice things.” I started implementing this rule in my self-talk. Whenever I said or thought something negative about myself, I would have to say or think of three nice things. It really works!
3. Be Gentle with Yourself and Embrace Your Flaws
We are human, so we make mistakes and have flaws. Instead of criticizing and shaming yourself when you make a mistake, be gentle with yourself.
When I was in Al-Anon and beating myself up for engaging in codependent behavior, a fellow member said, “Be gentle with yourself. Treat yourself like how you would treat your best friend. You wouldn’t ridicule or beat up your best friend if they were struggling, would you?”
As human beings, we all have flaws. The answer to that is to make friends with your flaws. In the words of freelance writer and social media influencer Lorraine Ladish, “Become flawesome!” Acknowledge your flaws, embrace them, and even draw strengths from them. For example, I have a Type A and addictive personality, but it allows me to be competent, productive, and committed.
4. Take the Time to Do What You’re Good At
Take the time to do whatever you are good at. If you are good at writing, do that. If you are good at painting or some other form of art, do that. If you are good at playing a sport, do that. It does not matter if you are not the next Jane Austen, Van Gogh, Mozart, or Babe Ruth, just do it! At one point, I thought about not writing anymore because I thought I was not good at it. Yes, I am not the greatest writer of all time and probably not The New York Times Best Seller List-quality (yet, lol), but I enjoy it and am good at it, which connects me to my Highest Self and the Life Force.
5. Celebrate Every Victory, No Matter How Small
Did you help someone today? Celebrate! Did you find a smart way to save money today? Celebrate! Did you lose a pound? Celebrate! Did you get an “A” on a test (even if it was easy or open notes)? Celebrate! Did you simply make it through this day alive? Celebrate!
Celebrate every victory, even if it is just making it through this day without getting killed, going to jail, or ending up in the hospital.
6. Be True to Yourself
One of the most spiritual things I have ever done is get to know myself and let my genuine self shine through. In fact, one of the definitions of spirituality means, “To have an awakening to your own personal spirit.” This means to do what you love, voice your feelings, stand up for your beliefs, listen to your inner guidance system, create the life you want, connect with online communities of like-minded people, set boundaries, and practice self-care. Shakespeare said, “To thine own self be true.”
7. Practice Self-Care
Practice self-care. When you are tired, rest. When you are hungry, eat. When you need a break, take it. Balance work and leisure. Take the time to engage in self-care activities such as meditation, exercise, or time at the beach. Treat yourself.
Why Self-Esteem is So Important
Almost six years later, I now have a healthy self-esteem and a strong sense of self, which is something my high school self could have never imagined. A lack of self-esteem can have dangerous consequences, such as depression, anxiety, addictions, anger issues, codependency/toxic relationships, eating disorders, playing small, suicidal ideation, and having no desire to live. Hell has many mansions.
Having a healthy self-esteem is essential to living a quality life. We can walk away from anyone we can’t stand, even our parents once we’re 18 years old. However, we have to live with ourselves forever, which is why it is vital to have a healthy relationship with ourselves. I have a tattoo on the side of my arm that says, “F.L.Y.,” which stands for “First Love Yourself.” I have discovered once you love yourself and develop a healthy relationship with yourself, everything else falls into place.
