Making Peace With the Past
“I used to live in my past,” said one recovering woman. “I was either trying to change it, or I was letting it control me. Usually both.” -The Language of Letting Go, p.274
When I was ten years old and sitting at a dinner party that my aunt was hosting, the subject of alcoholics became the table-talk conversation. I remember the conclusion of that conversation being alcoholics tend to live in the past. Little did I know then that idea would be pertinent to my life journey.
A few short years later, when I was 14 and visited my drug-addict cousin in prison, he told me, “You live in the past.” We can dislike the messenger and still listen to the message’s validity.
Fortunately, I never became addicted to alcohol or drugs. However, being a Chinese adoptee and the daughter of an alcoholic causes a truckload of trauma. Codependency also drives you just as insane as a substance addiction would. The inner drugs of resentment, fear, control, and judgment are just as toxic as drugs and alcohol. Sadly, my past and inner drugs ruled my life until I finally made peace with the past at age 23.
Despite attending 12-step programs for family members of addicts, seeing numerous therapists for almost five years, and practicing New Thought/progressive Christian spirituality, I thought I was hopeless. I thought I could never make peace with the past and that it would haunt me until the day I die. If I could make peace with the past and forgive those involved, anyone could. Here is how I made peace with the past:
Stop Wishing the Past Were Different
Wishing the past was different is fighting with it. We must let go of the “should’ve, could’ve, and would’ve” narrative. So much pain in life comes from insisting on what “should be.”
Oprah Winfrey says, “Forgiveness is giving up hope the past could have been any different. It’s accepting the past for what it was and using this moment and this time to help yourself move forward.”
No amount of insisting can change the past. We do not find freedom in fighting with the past. We find our freedom in surrendering to it.
Accept the Imperfection of Life and the Human Condition
Most of the psychological pain we experience in life results from the imperfection of life and the human condition. Looking back on my childhood trauma from a healed perspective, I can say that almost none of it was caused intentionally. My parents and other caregivers did not intend to hurt me. It was simply collateral damage of addiction, codependency, lack of knowledge, and difficult circumstances. The ones we love are usually the ones we hurt the most, and that hurt is usually unintentional.
Thurgood Marshall once wrote, “In recognizing the humanity of our fellow beings, we pay ourselves the highest tribute.”
The master spiritual teacher, Jesus, said, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”
One of the most healing perspectives we can have is to realize that our parents are also only human and had their own trauma when there was less mental health awareness and resources.
Develop Compassion for Yourself and Those Involved
We can develop compassion and understanding for ourselves and everyone else involved when we accept that we are only human and that others are only human. Having compassion and understanding is a lot easier than having resentment and judgment.
Learn the Lessons and Be Grateful for Them
There is a lesson to be learned from every situation. I have discovered that our dysfunctional relationships reveal all that needs to be healed within ourselves. We can learn about self-worth, letting go of control, healthy love/relationships, resolving shame, boundaries, kindness, redemption, and (especially) forgiveness for the pain other people inflict. The lessons are usually the silver lining. Even though not all things in this world may be good, all things work together for good if we are centered in the Divine Power and Presence or a higher consciousness.
Forgive and Have Faith
The above process is essentially how we forgive. Religious/spiritual people like me can believe that it was all Divinely Guided. For those who do not believe in the Divine, having faith in the process of life can also be reassuring. Regardless of our philosophy, we can believe that everything in life ultimately works out for what is the highest good for everyone.
We Cannot Change the Past
The bottom line is we cannot change the past, but we can heal from it by not trying to change it or letting it control us anymore. We cannot manifest the life of our dreams for our present and future if we do not untangle ourselves from the past. Rev. Josh Reeves once said, “We cannot change the past, but we can change what it means to our lives.” We can turn our trauma into our superpower by healing from our past, learning from it, and using it to help others!
