Applying the Serenity Prayer to Our Lives
I first became acquainted with The Serenity Prayer when I was 11 years old after a harsh confrontation with my family’s addiction issues. I said this prayer every day when I was in fifth grade and proudly recited the long version in front of my CCD class. However, I did not understand the meaning of what I was praying.
Years later, when I was going through my healing process, I learned that The Serenity Prayer is a lot more than a prayer. Rather, it is a formula that any person can use, regardless of their beliefs, to achieve serenity, sanity, and surrender. In my college Abnormal Psychology class, my professor wrote this prayer on the board without the reference to “God,” stating she teaches this to all her clients regardless of their belief system to help them with fears and anxiety.
Early in my codependency and adult children of alcoholics’ recovery, I did not fully grasp it and struggled to apply it. It was still a ritual as it was when I was 11 and in fifth grade. As I have matured in my recovery and spiritual journey, I have come to learn how this formula can be applied.
Accept the Things I Cannot Change
Only by accepting the things we cannot change is how we are liberated from pain. The most common struggles are trying to change the past, present, and other people.
1. We Cannot Change the Past
We cannot change the past; therefore, we must stop thinking about the “should’ve, could’ve, and would’ve.” Otherwise, we will end up with depression. When we give up hope the past could have been different, we can make peace with it and forgive those involved.
2. We Cannot Change the Future
We cannot change the future; therefore, we must take life one day at a time and one step at a time with a sense of faith and trust that it will all work out. Otherwise, we will end up with anxiety. Anxiety does not change future outcomes; it only destroys our chance of living life to the fullest in the present.
3. We Cannot Change Other People
We cannot change other people. A parody of The Serenity Prayer I have heard of is, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the person I can, and the wisdom to know that person is me.” Trying to change, fix, or control other people is codependent.
In some cases, we hyperfocus on other people and external conditions because it allows us to divert our attention away from ourselves and the inner work that we need to do.
We must keep our eyes on our own journey and accept the reality of who someone is and where they are on their journey, knowing we cannot change or fix them.
Courage to Change the Things I Can
Author and motivational speaker Liz Murray, who went from being homeless on the streets of New York City due to her parents’ addictions to attending Harvard on a full scholarship, talks about how a gift from a drug dealer changed her life: a coin with The Serenity Prayer printed on the back of it.
When she was sitting on the streets after her mother’s death, she was staring at the prayer printed on the coin when she came to a striking realization. She realized that she could not change that her parents were drug addicts, her mother died of AIDS, and that her father was living homeless and addicted. However, she could change her life by going to school to create a better life for herself.
Once we let go of the things we cannot change, we need to take an inventory of what we can change. We can control our behavior, choices, and personal development. While we cannot control other people and external circumstances, we can control how we respond to it and how we think about it.
We live life from the inside out. When we take care of what goes on inside of ourselves, we can manifest the life of our dreams on the outside.
Wisdom to Know the Difference
Life is a battle between the ego (the fear-based part of ourselves) and the spirit (the loved-based part of ourselves). Therefore, discerning between what we cannot change and what we can change is often not easy. In times of conflict and controversy, we need to follow the 7 T’s: take the time to think the thing through and/or the 3 P’s: pause, pray, and proceed. We need to take the time to discern the best course of action.
Sometimes, the solution is simply letting go because it is not our problem. In other cases, we need to take a course of action. When our mind seems to be screaming for us to make a rash decision, it is often our ego speaking. When we feel gently guided to a reasonable decision, it is often our inner spirit guiding us.
Letting Go is a Process
The self-improvement/healing/recovery process often starts with intellectual knowledge. Letting go of the things we cannot change is often a process that requires letting go 50,000 times before we finally get it. That is okay; sometimes, it takes years for a recovery concept to move from our heads to our hearts and souls. The key is to practice, practice, practice until we finally get it.
