The Most Important Person I Had to Forgive Was Myself
For the past 13 years, I always get emotional as the winter months come upon us. I even feel different on a physical level (the body totally holds onto trauma on a cellular level). The reason for this is that a lot of traumatic events associated with my problem cousin occurred during the months of November to March. However, this year is different. Instead of finding myself in feelings of grief, I find myself in a state of self-reflection. The difference between this year and past years is I have now come to a place of healing, acceptance, and forgiveness. I no longer carry any resentment about the past. I accept it for what it is and recognize the humanity of those involved. This has caused me to view the past and the people involved through a different set of eyes.
Yesterday, while at work, I realized that the most important person I had to forgive was myself. When I first embarked on this forgiveness journey last spring, I was told that I had to forgive myself first to be able to forgive others. Through this process, I learned that forgiveness is accepting someone’s human imperfection, developing compassion for that person, learning the lessons from the situation, and finally letting it go. By recognizing and accepting my own human imperfections, I could accept other people’s human imperfections. I no longer play the “should’ve, could’ve, would’ve” tapes over in my head. I know now that the past could not have been different, so I do not torture myself anymore by wishing it was.
What Did I Have to Forgive Myself For?
When I was first introduced to the idea that I had to forgive myself before forgiving others, I thought, What the hell did I do? They were the ones who hurt me! I didn’t know what I was getting into with these people. The biggest issue I had to forgive myself for was not knowing better.
On January 11th, 2010, I made a casual decision to allow my mother to take me to my cousins’ house to be babysat. Little did my mother and I know that my cousins were alcoholics and drug addicts. My alcoholic father was sent to prison just two days later, which led me to continue to be babysat by them. While I was only babysat there about 7–8 times over the next two months, the emotional abuse I endured and the atrocities I witnessed turned it into a 13-year ordeal of codependency to one of my cousins and the other psychological effects of trauma. The most trenchant part of this story was I was never trapped there or entirely powerless. Week after week, I kept quiet about it out of fear of being a burden, an addiction to chaos, and a high tolerance for unacceptable behavior that stemmed from my own alcoholic home.
This happened when I was ten years old and in fourth grade, and I did not make peace with my decision on January 11th, 2010, until I was 23 years old and a year out of college. Part of the healing process is taking responsibility for our role in our own pain. However, that needs to be done through the eyes of compassion and understanding instead of shame and blame. Otherwise, we risk getting tangled in the web of victim-blaming ourselves.
Being Gentle With Myself
Reflecting on how this one casual decision became a long 13-year hallway, I realized I must be gentle with myself. The person I have to give the utmost grace and forgiveness for is myself. I am only human, so I could not predict the future. I did not know the long-term effects and future outcomes of my choices. I also had to forgive myself for my years of codependent behavior that consisted of controlling and manipulating people. I was not only just a child but a child who already had a lot of pain and lacked proper mental health resources and guidance at the time.
I also carried a lot of shame and guilt about my codependency problem to my cousin. I spent many years revolving my life around an emotionally abusive drug addict who did not care about me. Spiritual author Deepak Chopra says, “It may be your responsibility to deal with it, but it’s not your fault that it {the addiction} happened. You were just a human being who was in so much pain that you tried to escape from it the only way you knew how. That makes you very normal.” I was a human being who was in so much pain, and I dealt with it the best way I knew how. We are all human beings who are making human choices and doing the best we can with what we know.
Respecting My Own Journey
While it sounds crazy that it took 13 years for me to heal after years of attending 12-step meetings, seeing about seven counselors, taking spiritual classes (including one called “Radical Forgiveness), and reading self-help books, it is my journey. I went through everything I went through because I was supposed to, and I met everyone I met on it because I was supposed to. I did not heal overnight because there were still lessons to be learned. I never made progress by forcing insights and making changes before I was ready. The most significant shifts in perception happened when I was at my most broken, which caused my head to crack open and for the light to finally shine through.
Forgiving myself for not knowing any better and respecting my own journey had made it easier to forgive other people for not knowing better and to respect their life’s journey.
I am who I am because of all the lessons I learned and the adversity I overcame.
And so it is!
