Yes, Petty Black Feminists ruined Birth of a Nation

…and you’d better stay on your toes or you could be next

We did it y’all.

Now I know that some of my Black feminists sistas weren’t on board after we picked Nate Parker as our newest takedown target. But I’m pleased to announce that after much scheming and planning, Black feminists have finally succeeded in shutting down Nate Parker’s Birth of a Nation. Praise be to Audre Lorde!

In fact, we were so successful that the movie Storks did better at the box office this weekend than Birth.

REAL Black feminists have this image framed in their homes already

When I heard the news that Nate Parker’s Birth of a Nation was a giant flop with both critics and the box office, I laughed heartily to myself while I lovingly stroked my copy of This Bridge Called My Back that I keep next to my jar of male tears. I’m so thrilled to have another win under our belt.

Parker’s film was panned for being rife with historical inaccuracies and for wrongly portraying Black women as docile creatures lacking in agency.

If people only knew all the scheming it took for us Black feminists to build a time machine, use it to Inception our way into Nate Parker’s thoughts, and force him to sabotage his own film though shitty screenwriting, they’d be in awe of the power we wield. Yes, we’re really that good.

Look around! ~Obviously~ we Black women are drunk off of the power that comes with controlling every aspect of society. Haven’t you ever wondered why Black women are in charge of virtually every political, financial, and social institution in America? Haven’t you ever wondered why Hollywood roles always go to Black women and why most of our media is directed and produced by Black women?

Now I know what you’re thinking: Since when have Black women had such firm control over America? I thought white men basically ran everything? You only think that because it’s what we want you to think. Real G’s move in silence like lasagna.

ONE OF US. ONE OF US.

We even had our Black feminist double agents working on discrediting the film from the inside. I hate to put her on blast, but Birth costar Gabrielle Union is one of us. “I support you if you don’t want to see the film. I absolutely understand and respect that. I can’t sell the film,” she told Essence. For her brave display for loyalty to Black feminism, Gabrielle will be moving up the ranks of leadership and one day she might even get to pick our next target.

We have sleeper cells all over the country. We’re everywhere. Lurking. Planning. Waiting. Watching. We can destroy everything you’ve built with a single tweet. Don’t test us.

Nate Parker found out the hard way — other than destroying the nuclear family and ensuring NBC never has Black male ownership, nothing fills our Black feminist hearts with more joy than crushing the dreams and souls of successful men. We can and will ruin you in service of our own petty whims. So you’d better think twice about your behavior. Because today it’s Nate Parker, but tomorrow…

it could be you.