I’ve tried living for you (a poem)

I have tried living for you

I’ve tried living for your approval

I’ve tried living because of you

And in spite of you

And in any way that you wouldn’t.

I’ve tried breathing because I’m supposed to

I’ve breathed because it is a proven method of pain relief

I’ve done it to save myself

And done it in spite of myself

In the end, I stopped trying

Breathing is somewhat of a freebie I finally realized.

I’ve been high from drugs

From love

With spiritual mind

And childbirth

I’ve been high because I’ve been low

And high because I am a mom.

I’ve tried to look a certain way

With clothes

Without tattoos

And with them

With perms, with mascara, with panty hose

Lingerie, ripped jeans, leather

Mohawk in spite of the advice

Mohawk in spite of the trend.

In other words, I’ve tried every which way

But completely mine

And if I keep living this way

I will live this way while dying

I can’t be enough of anything to please

Those I love or those I lead

I can’t be enough of anything to avoid my pain

Or feel right or wrong enough on any given day.

One day soon

I’ll wake up

I’ll breathe. Get high. Show my skin. Shave my head.

I’ll have a moment of “I shouldn’t have” or “should”

And look the other way

From faces with approval rating written all over them

And I’ll … do what? … think what? … say what, and to whom?

I don’t know, Babe, cause that’s the one place I’ve never been.

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