I’ve tried living for you (a poem)
I have tried living for you
I’ve tried living for your approval
I’ve tried living because of you
And in spite of you
And in any way that you wouldn’t.
I’ve tried breathing because I’m supposed to
I’ve breathed because it is a proven method of pain relief
I’ve done it to save myself
And done it in spite of myself
In the end, I stopped trying
Breathing is somewhat of a freebie I finally realized.
I’ve been high from drugs
With spiritual mind
I’ve been high because I’ve been low
And high because I am a mom.
I’ve tried to look a certain way
And with them
With perms, with mascara, with panty hose
Lingerie, ripped jeans, leather
Mohawk in spite of the advice
Mohawk in spite of the trend.
In other words, I’ve tried every which way
But completely mine
And if I keep living this way
I will live this way while dying
I can’t be enough of anything to please
Those I love or those I lead
I can’t be enough of anything to avoid my pain
Or feel right or wrong enough on any given day.
One day soon
I’ll wake up
I’ll breathe. Get high. Show my skin. Shave my head.
I’ll have a moment of “I shouldn’t have” or “should”
And look the other way
From faces with approval rating written all over them
And I’ll … do what? … think what? … say what, and to whom?
I don’t know, Babe, cause that’s the one place I’ve never been.