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Lately I’ve been surfing dating apps like I would Netflix to find a good comedy.

I’m no stranger to scrolling. I found my first husband on Nerve.com in 2003 and my second husband on Okcupid in 2010. I believe you can find love on dating apps. Since my separation, I’ve gone on several dates with men that aren’t creeps, whom I genuinely find interesting. A few of them are friends now, and one has developed into a professional connection.

Using an app as a tool to connect with the outer world has its value. I don’t discount that it can be a great way to meet people we would never come across in real life, and I strongly believe that each new connection can help us expand. …

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Dating is hard. It requires vulnerability. You have to put yourself out there. It takes energy. You risk rejection. You risk heartbreak. You are putting yourself out on the line. It’s also a rife environment to learn about yourself.

In the initial phase of dating, for those of us with an active anxious attachment system, the impulse is to bypass discernment. The attachment system wants soothing. This results in a tendency to project a connection before trust is established.

Sometimes this happens before you’ve even met a person in real life.

The brain goes from:

“Oh, this guy is so cute! He seems so nice. We to have so much in common.” …

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For as long as I can remember, I’ve lived with a sense of anxiety and nervousness that I’ve had no clue how to shake. I had an inkling that this was a result of childhood trauma, plus a lifetime of being in survival mode to achieve my dreams. …

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Being human is hard.

As children, we are pure light: vulnerable, open, loving and innocent. If we are seen and heard by attuned parents, our hearts are more likely to stay open, and we are more able to meet our need for connection throughout our lives.

Since most of us don’t grow up in perfect homes with perfect love, our hearts as we grow up start to shut down.

The pain of the loss of love from our parents is only one angle. We also experience the reality of impermanence and death, the unfairness and injustices in the world, and the daily traumas of every day life, of having to earn money to survive in a fast paced world. …

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Most of us have deep seated fears that lie under the surface: fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of the loss of love, fear of intimacy, fear of not being loved for who we are, fear of being engulfed.

These fears are often dormant, until we decide to take the risk to venture into the modern world of dating. They also get activated when we enter relationships.

I’m currently in the process of dating after the loss of an 8 year relationship. I never imagined I would have to venture into the dating world again, and doing so has sent me down a powerful vortex of learning everything I can about love, sex and relationships. …

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My young life was mired by a sense of disconnection so profound it resulted in 10+ years being stuck in cycles of acting out, and doing things that were damaging to my soul.

My whole adult life I have wanted one thing: to be an emotionally healthy, functioning person capable of getting her deeper needs met.

For years I thought this could be met through accomplishments — professional success, living in NYC and SF, paleo diets, self help books or therapy.

I had an deeper inkling that how to accomplish this was by being connected to the self, but I wish I’d understood what that meant sooner. …

My last relationship ended in a shock: my ex, a man I believed had depth and integrity, cheated on me the entire eight years we were together.

He left six months ago, and we are moving through the process of divorce. I will never see him again.

As someone who prides herself on building positive relationships, and believes that just because you’ve ended a sexual relationship does not mean the relationship can’t morph into a friendship, this was a double blow.

Not only did I lose the intimacy with my ex— I lost him as a friend forever, because there is no way I can maintain any relationship with someone who can treat another human that way. …

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Photo by Kym Ellis on Unsplash

When I started my 30 day experiment without wine 43 days ago, I didn’t expect what would happen.

I didn’t expect that it would bring on so many feelings, more withdrawal symptoms than I ever imagined, and a completely new perspective on alcohol.

I’ve never been one to be able to complete month long challenges that are based on deprivation. Trying to do a Whole 30 makes me feel like I’m in an underwater chamber, and that I can’t breathe. …

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About a month ago, I woke up for the (approximately) 150th time this year foggy brained, exhausted, and lethargic. I made it out of bed after a cup of coffee, knowing that by lunchtime I’d feel somewhat better, that by the afternoon I’d feel better, and by 5pm, I’d feel fine: it would be time for a glass of wine to relieve the previous 8 hours of feeling like crap.

I wouldn’t classify these days as the rabid kind of hangover where pounding headache, dizziness, and nausea are involved. …

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Some people become cooks and chefs by accident: they begin working in restaurants at an early age, work their way up, it pays the bills and becomes your skill set.

But most of us pursue food careers because of one thing: we LOVE food.

We love cooking, working with our senses, and the sense of accomplishment that comes from creation. We can’t imagine doing anything more satisfying than spending our days fully immersed in the kitchen. It is a passion that runs to our cores: To create lasting memories that comforts, nourishes, awakens, enlivens and helps others. …

About

Brigitte

Brigitte is a chef + cooking instructor @ whiteapronchef.com

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