I Am A Volunteer AYSO Soccer Referee
Ask Me Anything
ARE YOU BLIND?
No, coach, contrary to your opinion, I have had my eyes checked recently by a licensed ophthalmologist, and even though I turned down the $35 retinal scan because I hate being pressured with the YOUR EYES MAY EXPLODE AT ANY MINUTE IF YOU DON’T CHECK stuff, and I’m still a little freaked out by the eyeball pressure test (GAH!), I was assured that my vision checked out. Now, I may not have been blessed with the kind of Superman sight you have that allows you to see every foul committed against your team, and your team only, but I think you could understand how, in a match involving TWO teams, one of them not being yours, how that particular attribute would not be useful to a referee trying to be fair to both sides.
Since we’re on the topic of health, you should know that AYSO referees are NOT trained in CPR. I only mention this because the combination of your age, scary throbbing neck veins, and, in some cases (and please, don’t take offense) weight, gives me cause for concern. When was was your last check-up?
DON’T YOU REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS TO THESE KIDS?
In order to receive my AYSO Intermediate Referee badge, I spent eight hours a day, for two days over a single weekend, taking legal review courses and an exam. I also had to referee twenty-five matches, which took about a year and a half, followed by an assessment administered by a senior official who observed me as I worked a playoff match. During some of those twenty-five matches, there was concern expressed for my vision (see above) and my sanity by the kind of coaches and/or parents that would frighten a tribe of cannibal hobos. I can assure you that I did NOT do this for the privilege of wearing an unflattering polyester yellow shirt with thin black stripes, and black polyester shorts a smidge smaller than I am comfortable wearing publicly. I did all this because, yes, I realize how important it is for AYSO players to have a pool of referees willing to work, study and improve themselves to do the best possible job on match days. Have you, coach/parent, asked your therapist how important this all is to you? I’m guessing no. I’m guessing you either don’t have a therapist or you have the worst therapist who ever existed.
WHY DON’T YOU DO YOUR JOB?
This is a bit of a puzzler, because, again, I’m running around a pitch on a hot day in the unflattering uniform I just described. Now, granted, speaking as someone who also coaches, you can’t help the fact that you've been assigned a group of boys of whom some are talented and some are as likely to eat the ball as much as pass it, but the fact that you’re taking a phone call when your team is losing 3-0 is a pretty clear indication to your team that you don’t give a flying fuck about them. Combine this with the fact that you've been screaming at them for the last fifty minutes that they've been doing everything wrong, you've been screaming at me and the linesmen as well, and I would concede that, yes, one of us is not doing their job, and it’s you, “coach.”
HOW MUCH MONEY DID THE OTHER TEAM PAY YOU?
I’m both fascinated and horrified by this alleged criminal underworld you know about where referees are accepting bribes to sway the results of 12 year-old boys and girls matches in Santa Monica, or more likely, Thousand Oaks. How much action is Ladbrokes seeing on these matches? I will remind you that I am a volunteer, meaning, that I receive no compensation whatsoever for the hundreds of hours I've devoted to both refereeing and coaching AYSO soccer. In other words, to answer your question, nothing. The same amount you've spent to demonstrate to everyone at this game that you are an asshole.
YOU SUCK.
Not a question, 12 year old player from Torrance! Hurry back to your sideline now. It looks like your sister/mother needs help finding her cigarettes.
