Bristol Secrets
Sorry, what was your name again?
23/11/2015
Last week I did a few questionable things — namely because I was so drunk and can’t remember, so am now questioning, literally, what did I do?
I’ve been sick this week and unable to sustain life outside bed, in a non-sexual way sadly. I am almost 95% sure that it’s because I kissed two guys over three days last week. These two guys have taught me that I literally have no type. They are the complete opposite in both appearance and personality. Oops.
Early in the week I decided, in my sick state, that the drama tied to the boys I go for, or perhaps the activities we do, is just not for me. I am too too old to worry about this shit. I am so over meeting boys on a drunken night out, and either having sex or not. Even snuggling. I’d rather hug a pillow!!! I much prefer being with friends, having no drama, and walking into class without wondering who saw my boobs the night before. The worst is in the morning when you are literally like, who the fuck is this guy and why am I naked? You know? I’m bloody in my 20s. Well actually, to be fair, I don’t think it should happen at any age — and perhaps if it were to happen, 20s is ideal. So all in all, well done me. But yeah, nah, not keen anymore. This week that happened pretty much twice, but with boys on my course, and it’s just stressful not being able to look at anyone in the eye the next day incase I flashed them during my drunken black outs.
There are two guys at the moment who I just don’t know what they want:
1. That guy I met who doesn’t live in this city. He keeps messaging me, and I honestly don’t think I will ever see him again so I just don’t know what he wants?
2. A friend of a friend whom I kissed during summer who lives nearby. He’s tall, cute and blonde which fits the criteria I recently realised is in fact totally non-exclusive.
I don’t know what’s in store these next few festive ;) weeks, but I maaay go home this weekend specifically to accidentally on purpose see the Blurry one at a friend of a friend’s birthday party…. not really sure if I am breaking codes of being cool, normal, collected and sexy all at once, or whether he will be pleased to see me. I’m not even sure he will be at this party. Oh by the way, now that I am over my illness from the start of the week, I am no longer talking like a bedridden-tired girl as I was two paragraphs above^, and am fully 100% back on it with da boys. Come at me Blurry one!!!! or guy number 2 ^, however, tall blonde cute guy is actually friends with Blurry one — so much so, they are all over each others profile pictures. Hmmm decisions decisions.
Anyway, I must sleep.
Aims this week include: don’t eat for England, don’t waste time talking to any boy except Mr Blur and Mr Tallblonde&cute. Sorry tinder Chris, no time to discuss you. Also this week is two of my house mates birthdays!!! Aaaaahhhh I am so excited!!! Celebrations on Friday will be all about them, celebrations on Saturday will be all about Mr Blurry. Sunday will be a write off. Good night xxxxxx
All charged and updated?
23/11/2015
People always say you need to feel that chemistry…that spark…the mood,…it needs to be electric and flirtatious or whatever. In my parents time they would run down the road to use the pay phone at 7pm to have a 20 minute call before dinner. It was more distinguishable if you fancied someone or not. These days, everything is so desensitised that a call with a guy I fancy can barely last 20 seconds, or worse, is a butt dial. It’s hard to know if it’s a spark, boredom or simply you are addicted to your phone. I honestly never realised how important technology was for our generation, but even more so for me personally. I noticed its true significance last night:
At about 11.20pm, make up off and near sleep, the love of my life (aka BLURRY MC BLUR) added me on snapchat. I don’t know why or what came over him to do this BUT I AM SO HAPPY ahhhh!!!!! I still can’t stop smiling. WHAT THE HELL AHHHH!!!! HE ADDED ME AHHHHH!!!!!! Needless to say I slathered make up and cute PJs on (it’s too soon to show skin), ruffled my hair, created a nice ambience with the lighting. I sent him a snapchat taking the piss out of his snapchat name which was about his penis. (Can’t show skin in a snapchat, but can show thoughts;)). Ah fuck, I keep typing stuff about him and then deleting it because it sounds like a bloody love song.
I CAN’T BELIEVE IT AHHHHH hehehehee. yay!!!!
A) I’m not joking or being ironic or anything (sadly). I am just SO HAPPY OH MY GOSH.
B) Why am I so happy? He hasn’t asked me on a date?….ahahah ow :(…not yet?
Taking a few steps back to calm down, what have I become? He added me on snapchat — arguably the lowest form of communication — and I am smitten in love enough to keep going for another 30 days….jesus woman chill the fuck out. I need someone to slap me.
All this got me thinking: if the love of my life is out there somewhere (and I really do think he has been born by now), then I hope his most likely iPhone charger is not broken! What if we meet on a night out and want to exchange numbers but he has no battery? No one carries pens anymore!!! What if his phone breaks? What if his screen shatters? Oh my gosh so much is relying on the livelihood of his phone. Honestly, this revelation is freaking me out a little….I just didn’t realise (until now) quite how valuable a plug socket was to my probability of having babies. What if his plug socket is broken and he can’t charge his phone more frequently, so chooses to preserve battery life (as he may need the Be @ 1 app later), and he foregoes messaging me/sending me a snapchat at the moment and then forgets?! Little poor me with my phone at the ready always at 76–99% life in case I receive a message whilst his is on 13%.
Who knew discovering our significant other depended on these apps, phone updates, and battery life? THIS IS NOT OK!!! Do not fear, dear friends, I will hopefully see him this Saturday so he doesn’t really need a phone…. You better hope your husband either has a charger and all the relevant apps for communication, or he carries a pen!
Where my ♥ truly belongs
8/11/2015
Good morning my little petals.
It’s well into November and I have given myself until December 11th to get fit. It’s long enough to make a small difference, but short enough to not put myself through too much agony. Lezdoittttt!!!
It’s so funny, scrolling through Facebook I just spotted an article titled ‘Why do men exist’ — is that a joke? Why are we so independent but men-hating women?! I am SO over disliking anyone for that matter — it’s too exhausting and wastes my own happiness, and I got no time for dat. I for one am thrilled guys exist, but am even more thankful I am a girl!! This weekend explains why:
The girls and I cooked a cute and healthy-ish dinner, set with music and candles, which followed by Friends with Benefits (amazing film — Mila Kunis in particular is dreamy) with wine, chocolate, and face masks. MAHHHH — THE BEST WEEKEND EVER ♥.
It was through all this that I realised true happiness for me lies with my friends and family, hence no space for boys at the minute.
I have Tinder (and this thing called Bumble) which is so much fun because essentially it is me and the girls making fun of each others chat up lines and trying to help each other get dates with hotties. I am speaking to this guy I don’t think is that hot, let’s call him Pickle. We are getting on quite well, after our chat last night he was like ‘yeah this conversation has legs, message me tomorrow’. I’ve never heard that saying but YAY IT HAS LONG SEXY LEGS. Does this mean I passed the test? Either way, if it does progress at all, which I doubt it will because I’m not sure I want to kiss him, then I won’t let it be anything simply because like I said — I love being with friends too much and I am not in a place in my life where I am willing to forgo time with them for anyone else. I see too many of my friends missing out because of their significant other and that will NOT be me. Sorry sista! It’s almost like when you see those women married to their jobs — but I have it with my friends. I think that’s how it’s meant to be at this age though? Who knows…. I guess I will let you know when I’m old and frail.
Also on my mind, this cute little boy who I am technically kind of friends with, sort of asked me veeery casually for dinner. He was like, ‘yo, want to help me fulfil a two-for-one dinner?’ I was busy, said I couldn’t, and now I think he is mad at me :(. To be fair — who says that? It’s so unromantic… Hmm not sure what is going on there. Anyway, more importantly, you’ll be happy to know my housemate and I booked a wax after the Chop chop post. Jeeeesus this will hurt!
Hope it’s a good week spent with friends xxxxx
Chop chop
6/11/2015
It’s almost midway through the academic year and times are running out — before you know it you’ve missed Goldrush, have a mortgage and a baby with a man you settled for but nevertheless feel lucky you escaped a life with cats. So we look back to where we are now and try to plan our moves carefully, to maximise our …happiness:
If I budget now I will be able to afford all the balls I want to attend at the end of the year.
If I work out now I will look banging for the summer season.
If I take my make up off every night I won’t look like the cat I will inevitably own.
The trick is realising, however, that a lot of what we want has to happen at the right time. We can’t rush the right thing. So with that in mind, what are we supposed to do until then? Just wait around? But loads of things may happen until then…especially if like me, you reckon you’ll meet your husband (or he will realise he is your husband) when you’re bloody 50 and well past the prowess-prime you are in now! It’s almost like telling someone you’re funny but they had to be there. If only they were there at the right time then they would know you were hilarious! Then you try reenact the whole thing and you just look like a lame-o. Dammit!!! Anyway, in the meantime, you may meet someone else, you could break a leg or lose your flexibility; your teeth might stain, you may grow short and your hair will grow long.
I think I have realised, having met my Blurry one — who honestly now that I have my glasses back in my possession, he is just the One — we must always be prepared as we don’t know when we will meet them! I cannot express how embarrassed I am at my lack of preparation for my night with him. And thinking of it, my nights with many guys have all been so-spur-of-the-moment that I have just been utterly unprepared. I should promise myself to always prepare the following:
1. always always have hot underwear underneath my clothes. If possible, please make sure they match. (These include lace, see-through, crotchless, and none.)
2. 100000000000% keep everything…..groomed down there. I CANNOT EXPRESS HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS AHHHH WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
3. legs could always be a smooth baby too if you can manage.
4. keep a tan going all year round. If this seems like a chore, just imagine yourself saying ‘yeye ibiza’ with sunglasses on whilst fake tanning.
5. never look haggard and tired. Who wants to wife a sack of old potatoes?!
a little number 6 discussed with my housemate last night was:
6. leave some vodka in the loo so that you can ‘go freshen up’ but actually go ‘down some vodka’.
If I could have changed any of these for the night with my Blurry one (I refuse to outright call him the One until he speaks to me for the second time), then perhaps we wouldn’t be here today and we would be in Hawaii on our honeymoon!!!!! (you think I am joking BUT I AM NOT. I LOVE HIM).
Anyway, I will begin with my long LONG overdue number 2: I am calling to get a wax before I run out of time and meet with my One again. Chop chop, you do it too! xxxx
It’s been how long?
5/11/2015
It’s currently just gone midnight on a very unproductive Tuesday and I can’t help but worry about my degree, considering I can’t fucking download the programme needed to do my fucking project. WHAT IS THIS FUCKING ANONYMOUS MODULE?! urghhhh life. In other news, what is on my mind? Sex.
We all have sex… or at least I think we all do? I actually have a few friends who don’t discuss it with me, and never have done, so I legit have no idea if they’ve ever done anything…how bizarre? And I’m talking best best friends. These days (perhaps since my night with the Blurry one) I’ve not been having much of it myself and I’m fiiine with that. I suppose I’m in the same current as all the other single fish, swimming along, sexless and fine with it. I always think about those people in class who I’m like, ‘so, how was your weekend? any goss? how are boys?’ and they literally have no stories — no drama — no sex. How do they live? what do they do with their evenings…? Then I realise maybe that’s why they are always on top of work — they’re not on top of boys. I’ve cracked it!
I’m not sure the longest I’ve been abstinent, but I don’t wish to keep doing it. My experience with the Blurry one was so……honest and open, but drunk. The last time I had sober sex was this summer, around September, with that guy I was ‘seeing’. We actually didn’t have drunk sex at all. How weird?!!? I’m not sure what I prefer because on one hand during drunk sex you can be a confident little carmen electra, whilst sober you can be technical and accurate in your performance. Both really important to be honest. BD #2 is still on my mind, and I know why. Firstly, it happened this time last year, but more importantly he keeps reliving it with me. The blow by blow stories just remind me of how fun sex can be. He keeps saying how all he wanted for weeks was to see me naked and make me orgasm — isn’t that the sweetest and most romantic thing you’ve ever heard?! hehe. He says how he wishes he was less drunk so that he could remember every detail better. Go on — fine, I’ll say it — he sounds in love. What can I say? I’m just that good… (Joking, I am semi convinced he has confused me with another girl because yes, the sex was really good but like, can’t be one of his bests?)
Anyway, the good thing about not being in a relationship is that sex is never likely to be boring…but the bad thing is that it is never likely to bloody happen! Good night xxx
Certainty
3/11/2015
It’s weird, we think we are individual and self-sufficient — but actually we all look for approval and shit. The world only really spins when we lean on each other. Bill Gates didn’t become the #1 billionaire without the rest of us buying into his ideas. He needed us to make his money. Hmmm.
There are so many things I want to achieve by the time I’m 23, and although there are a few odd weeks to go, my world is currently such an uncertain jigsaw that I am becoming increasingly worried:
- no paying job prospects
- no strict budgeting habits
- no definitive favourite colour
All I really have is this anonymous blog, and few ideas that have yet to take off (such as a candle making business, a jam making business, and to sell paint/glue). It’s a constant battle though, isn’t it? In everything we do, we try to balance caring about opinions with doing what we want. Should I apply for jobs, or work on my degree? Should I go out tonight, or save energy and meet people another time? Am I using my youth wisely, or am I wasting it? Is this guy worth it, or will he mean nothing in a few months?
There’s a guy from summer who I keep thinking of when I listen to a particular song. With this guy, he himself really didn’t mean that much to me..it was more, the timing was fun. I’ve never been so independent. I think back to when I’d walk around London, knowing I’d have a date with him that night and how I need to make sure I have enough condoms (dw I always did ;)) and organise my room prettily. I loved living alone, making myself dinner, getting made up, and being entirely in charge of my life. I’m excited to get that (an income and a nice lil flat) back when I leave university.
Until then, I need to keep my head down and do as much as possible. So I think I will go out tonight. I will go to London this weekend. I will finish my work and do some extra reading. Who needs sleep? Not me! (at least not yet. It’s 3pm).
Hopefully I can establish those uncertain jigsaws by the time I’m 23. For starters, I guess my favourite colour can be yellow, so one down, two to go! xxxxx
Stone-cold black out
1/11/2015
I began writing this blog post called ‘Stone-cold black out’ and it was all about how nowadays I’ll go out and drink, and not remember parts of the night. It’s fine until it gets quite scary when you don’t even remember seeing someone you spoke with the entire night. I had a 13minute conversation with a guy — let’s call him Tom — and I seriously do not know what I said. I just worry that my drunk subconscious self is not cool and aloof like my sober self is….More worryingly, I can picture myself thinking I am being all coy but actually spelling out to Tom that I am being mysterious with something as abrasive as ‘ha I won’t tell you what I’m wearing under my clothes because I am being mysterious….am I mysterious Tom?’ Jesus, I do put it all on a plate don’t I?
Anyway, I hadn’t written the blog post yet when this morning I received two calls from two different gorgeous girls about their guy problems. Whoever came up with #noboyfriend #noproblems is a genius and totally understands. This morning I was like jesus — thank fuck I don’t need to worry about this bullshit. Literally….liiiiiterally a second after those words left my lips, I see a best friend in a morning after photo in my exs hoodie and all hell breaks loose. 1. Why do I care? 2. I do care, and I need to not. 3. What is she doing wearing it? 4. There must be a good reason like there must be. 5. What if there isn’t a reason except she got with him? 6. What if she drunkenly got with him? 7. Can I be mad? 8. Nah I am being silly. Those were my thoughts. I was being silly FYI, but then when I got back to my blog I realised the title was creepily fitting.
Stone-cold black out.
If she had got with him and couldn’t remember because she was too drunk I don’t know that I could be mad. I’m not sure. It’s just what people do, isn’t it? People get drunk and don’t care about consequences. It’s a really sad reality I have chosen to accept. I’ve also fully accepted that people cheat. I think when (and if lol) I get married I will only ever have red wine/champagne and it will be with my husband. We can’t afford to get smashed and potentially ruin the most important relationship, over something that could have been prevented had we drunken less. It’s the devil in liquid form.
On that note, cheers! We survived Halloween!
Queen Anon.
31/10/2015
This week, I kid you not, love has been everywhere. When I walk to lectures I am practically bombarded with couples kissing….so much so I could even hear the smooch this morning. VOM. Just because your one loves you back doesn’t mean you should flaunt it. GO HOME YOU HOES. If I had popcorn and a tinted windowed car I would seriously consider throwing popcorn at them and driving away into the distance rolling up the windows. Do I sound bitter?
It’s not that I’m not happy for them…I don’t want a boyfriend so that’s not it, I just think they need to consider everyone else. It’s basically visual pollution.
I think this bitterness has translated in the bedroom. I was never like this, but recently I’ve noticed I am all take and no give….A bit immature and selfish, no? On two separate occasions guys have left empty handed (though satisfied still, as I am a great kisser oioi), whilst I have gone to sleep a satisfied girl ;). I never used to dream of being so one sided. Usually if I am not up for the challenge, neither of us will. It’s almost the same feeling I get as when I re-sell a ticket to an event I can’t attend at a price higher than the one I paid. SO ILLEGAL IT HURTS. I think a part of me does it for all the girls who don’t cum. I’m rooting for ya! Keep going and be selfish!
Anyway, although this Blurry guy is still on my mind (five days and counting), my housemates have reassured me that this halloween I will meet my new crush. I wonder if they are right — but between you and me, and who ever else reads this (let’s make this a community), I am really happy not having any one guy on my mind. I like that I don’t have a constant text from a boy (limited phone storage). I like that I don’t have to pick between speaking with him or with friends. I like that I don’t have to miss him, or kiss him in the street and make other people miserable. As long as this boy ‘X’ doesn’t have a face, I am immune from these issues….so essentially, I’m an ever-so-powerful, invincible queen.
Anyway, I have to go to bed. Good night x
Dear diary
29/10/2015
Dear diary, what’s better? Being open and judged, or closed and unscathed?
I am quite an open person. I give a lot of myself away, even to strangers — sorry hi have you read my blog? I’m not sure why I do it or if it’s bad. Can I even control it? Sometimes I wonder if I save enough of me for myself. I came across a poem the other day which read ‘
Dare we look up, we’d not know; where to go or what to do. We are fragile. You and me.”
It was all about how we hide behind our faces because of fear of judgement, that we aren’t who we really are. Quite a scary concept, that we don’t show who we really are, and to then find out who that is.
Dear diary, I wish you could tell me which is better.
Should I shut myself off to meeting new guys because we both know I’m not looking to settle any time soon? Or should I just chill out and take on any opportunity presented? Is it fair to say boys are more simple-minded than girls? I think all they do is play with their dicks and decide if they like someone or not. If they don’t fancy someone they won’t make any effort, but if they do they either a) have balls and say something, or b) have no balls and nothing happens. the end.
Here we girls are, scheming a million solutions to problems that may or may not happen (depending on the size of their balls), while they literally wank, eat and sleep.
Will he call me? Should I text him? What does his message mean? Why didn’t we kiss? Fuck sake — if they like you they will contact you somehow. If they have no balls to contact you — you don’t want them to contact you.
Dear diary, I know what’s best: Life’s too short so I won’t take anything seriously. Just write a diary and wear a condom. xxxxx
Fuck, I fucked it
28/10/2015
Adele’s new song Hello hits home for some embarrassing reasons. It goes ‘I must have called a thousand times’…been there, done that… “I’m in California dreaming about who we used to be” sort of been there done that. In general, it makes you think about what a fool you’ve been and how you could change a few things in future.
Just this weekend I’ll admit, I drunk called an old fling a few more times than none. He’s the guy I mentioned in my Big Dicks (BD) post ages ago (he was BD #2). I didn’t call to say sorry or that I had been thinking about him in Cali though — just to say ‘hi, I want to have sex tomorrow’…LOL. Later that night, a guy I met at the event asked what my type was — I said big dicks…. in hindsight I can now see why that was my answer, BD #2 on the mind.
My night: I left my glasses at a friends on the weekend so I seriously can’t see, which just makes everything a bit more confusing. Is this next guy the One or is he just the Blurry one?
It was a friend’s birthday party on Saturday night. We went to hers for dinner and had the most amazing pre. Everything was running smoothly. No embarrassments though I drank more than half a litre of gin, so something scandalous was looming. Got to da club, danced like a don and basically was the happiest bunny ever. Next thing you know, the One and I get into a cab with our mutual friend Yonatan who we drop off, and we head back to mine — not before he serenades me with a random guitar we found. We discuss what we like in bed and get to it. The sex itself was great, but the snuggles after confirmed that he is the One. The next day he left to see his family — how adorable (unless he lied?) and wholesome of him.
A few days later and I am feeling more and more like Adele — “There’s such a difference between us; And a million miles…” spot on. “They say that time’s supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healing;” jeeez, I AM ADELE! Jesus I love him. The issue is, apparently it’s not a good idea to sleep with someone before 4 dates — and I didn’t even go on one with the One. Whoops. But can we please explain this concept?
Why should the girl not do something fun in fear that the guy will disappear? This happens all the fucking time. The guy decides he wants something and pursues it. You as the girl should not only 1. not pursue anything first (otherwise you’re too keen and not cool), but also 2. you have to play it so so chilled when he decides he does want you (otherwise he will be like eh easy, bye). Why is it meant to be difficult or a game? If I think you’re hot I would want to get with you…if you make me laugh, I would want to date you. Isn’t that obvious? Why should it be more complicated?
I get the whole we like a challenge idea, who doesn’t? I bloody want to make this hot christian virgin rugby player sleep with me (the dream), but seriously — is it that black and white? Challenge accomplished so never want to get to know the person?
Perhaps with my One it’s just the right guy at the wrong time. Maybe he isn’t looking for anything and in a few years we will cross paths and he will be like OH MY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND YOU WERE GREAT IN BED THAT TIME, LET’S GET MARRIED. and then I will have nothing in common with Adele. Until then, he will have to the be Blurry one — or at least until I get my glasses back.
xxxx
Heheh oopsie
21/10/2015
The week started off so well:
I got my nails done a nice dark burgundy purpley colour — check.
I had a long shower with a special hair/face scrub pampering sesh — check.
I bought some red wine for the week — check.
Really set myself up for success in my books. The first two or three times I went to text a guy I refrained — check. The three guys I am semi talking flirtatiously with were initiating conversation with me each day, so technically I had not broken my goal. It was last night (oh fuck…it was only Tuesday, lol) when I’d had two glasses of wine and walked home alone after hearing a very scary pre-halloween story and I called my friend I was sleeping with over summer. I really missed him and thought if anything happened on my walk he was definitely a sensible guy in crisis. In hindsight I’m not sure what he was going to do, being in a different city miles away, unaware of who my housemates are or their numbers to call in an emergency, and not really knowing where I was to inform police.
Either way, he didn’t answer (something about Arsenal being on, he said), but then called back later — once the ‘alcohol’ wore off (if I can blame it on that). By this point I was just like “….sooooo….heeey….I called because I was scared walking, but I’m safely at home now….” How pathetic? I am not 10. Only afterwards did I realise I bloody broke the no-initiating-chat rule. I guess the whole ‘start as you mean to go on’ is nice in theory, but very difficult to uphold hehe oopsie.
NB: I guess he is ONLY a friend, so let’s be a bit lenient.
Pass me the blanket
19/10/2015
It’s fucking cold isn’t it? . It’s that time of year again. It’s dark out, people are sniffly, we don’t have too many work stresses, dark purple lipstick is acceptable, and Christmas is a not too distant light of joy.
I have decided that a guy is more ideal for winter than any coat, glove or radiator. You can rub each others backs (and what not) and snuggle until its painful to break away. You can pretend you’re turned on but actually your nipples are erect due to the frozen particles flying around your room. It’s a romantic time of year to get involved with someone is all I’m saying. In fact I explained it perfectly to my friend the other night: When it’s dark and cold outside, all you want is mulled wine and relaxing music, you get this nostalgic feeling that you mistake with lust. Another parallel, you know when you are soooo tired that you feel drunk, but actually you’re so tired — but you act a bit drunk and you can drunk text but it’s tired text…? That’s the same, in that when it is wintery, I just fancy boys and flirt outrageously but it’s just for this dark Autumn winter Christmas period.
There is a guy I met the other week, who ended up staying at mine
. Wipe that smirk away, it was all PG, but we have been speaking non-stop…every day…for three weeks. In this day and age that sort of commitment is basically the step before marriage. I wonder if he is just putting in the ground work in hopes to have sex? He must be right? If not, what is he doing? Why are we talking? Maybe he thinks winter is the time to couple up too, in which case he is a smarty pants or reads my blog — hello if you are reading this.
Anyway, enough about him. This week my challenge set by my gorgeous housemates is to not initiate (flirtatious) conversation with any boy. How difficult can that be? When I get cold I’ll just have to grab a blanket not a boy..
Have a great week xxx
Cute vs Sexy
15/10/2015
Most of the time we are the only ones noticing our flaws. We examine every inch of ourselves and expect others to do the same. In reality, people see a completely different image all together. It’s sort of like when you hear your voice played back in a recording — who is that?! But it’s you..and it’s how everyone else hears you.
Image is also different I think. I don’t generally have a dirty mind, and it actually takes me a while to think of dick jokes. Having said that, people always assume I’m really dirty and like to be spanked or whatever. It’s so funny! I really enjoy seeing where this misconception can take me. For example, a guy named Jordan from high school sent me a message one summers afternoon whilst I was studying for finals “Yo, can we talk dirty?’ hehe sure why not. ‘yeah sure, I am in the library, but don’t let that stop you,’ I replied.
A tiny excerpt, of honestly not the most erotic part, for anyone horny and lacking imagination:
I tie you back down, spread eagle and put a tight collar on you. I’m teasing you with my cock and you’re begging me to just fuck you. I rub your wet clit and you’re squirming all around the bed but can’t move because you’re still tied down. I smack your right boob hard. Smack your left. Stick my cock in your pussy and immediately taken out. Just for the sake of the tease.
What the actual fuck?!?!!?!?! I was casually writing up some notes. I think I choked just reading this! Why on EARTH did he think I would enjoy this? (not that I didn’t, I am just questioning what the fuck impression am I giving people).
This week my housemates
and I were discussing would you rather be:
1. Smart and sexy
2. Cute and funny.
After serious discussion, I don’t think sexiness is any one thing. It is attitude. It is long eyelashes. It is the way you carry yourself. It is confidence, be it with a hidden sick feeling inside or not. It is a slender body. Which is it most?
There is argument to be had about which is better, 1 or 2. Smart and sexy can open certain doors cute and funny cannot and vice versa. Generally, sexy is less…stable? than funny. In an office environment, for example, you do not want to be the sexy one — you want to be the one everyone takes seriously. Equally, if trying to impress a guy or get free drinks ;), you don’t want to be the cute one, rather the sexy one. Both have pros and cons.
What even is sexy?
For me, a guy is sexy if he is intelligent and generally blonde (lol), and a girl is sexy if she has confidence more so than if she has a hot body. I wonder if my confidence (often comes from not caring) gave this Jordan guy the idea that I liked sex-talk. I live with stunning girls, some of which think they are cute rather than sexy, but I am certain it is all a state of mind.
Overall, I am so happy that Jordan wrote me a short novel which could be a 50 shades sequel because it taught me
a) sex ideas
b) how to sex talk
c) that there is always someone weirder than me
Happy Thursdayyyyyy xxxx
Hi and bye…
5/10/2015
Hello,
It’s Sunday night and I am so not bothered to work this week. It is my final week before I head back to university!!! What a crazy summer. My thing with my friend (with benefits) ended a couple of weeks ago, and I have moved on to another guy — coincidentally it is his friend…whoops.
This guy (let’s call him Mark) and I spent all night awake kissing and talking. I couldn’t bring myself to go further romantically with him whilst he didn’t know about me and his friend. Finally we cleared the air and went to sleep with this weird newly-wed feeling, like new puppies that found each other after years in the desert. After several more dates and PG sleepovers, at around 2AM I felt in the mood, woke him up, got on top, and just had sex. It was an almost drunk experience because we were both still very much asleep. I’m so glad it happened that way — unforced and sober, yet in this weird fake drunk state.
Newbie Mark and I went on several more dates and had even more sleepovers over the course of 3 weeks, when the intensity began. Little things he would say that initially seemed sweet and caring stared feeling suffocating and scary. How or why this change happened I do not know. One argument is that he was too easy and I was bored? I doubt that though, since he vocalised his interest from the beginning and I loved it at first…weird.
Once I saw his intense true colours and started freaking out, he then decided to ask me to be his girlfriend — WHAT THE FUCK? As if I could say yes at this point!!! Unfortunately due to this entirely messed up situation, we aren’t speaking anymore. However, luckily, due to the way this situation unfolded, I am completely over it.
I sort of want my initial friend back…hmmm no harm in trying ey?
Summer Time Benefits
31/8/2015
HELLO AGAIN! Please do not judge harshly as you read, I am a little rusty having not written in months —
Where to begin? I’ve been working this summer and earning real money whilst dieting and working out (minimally but nevertheless more than couch potato). I’ve been shagging my friend, and I think I am handling it relatively well. We are legit friends. We do normal friendly things and like…talk about current affairs. My very own real guy friend! We went for our annual catch up drink at the start of summer and kissed…it was so weird. The next few times we saw each other we carried on kissing until we finally had sex. I won’t lie, it’s not the best sex I’ve ever had…but he is a friend and that’s probably what I am most enjoying.
Rules to ensure friends-with-benefits work
1. Be friends and nothing more before — A lot of the time we see couples break up and have sex after, calling it friends with benefits. THIS IS NOT THE SAME. If you start off as more than friends it is difficult to pretend you are just friends because you already fancied them. In my situation, I never fancied him.
2. Try to make sure it has a sell-by date — I am leaving in a few weeks for months so we both know to keep everything at bay and not get attached.
3. Don’t get attached — I won’t lie to you, dear reader. I struggle with this one….. But if I get upset I try remember 1 and 2.
4. Use condoms — Nothing says friends with benefits FAIL more than having a baby or diseases.
5. Have light hearted fun but stay talking — Just chill and do whatever — you’re both young and free, so just make sure you don’t upset your friend and keep communication flowing.
Anyway, I need to go buy yogurt and go to the gym — speak laterz bitchez xx
Same old me
11/7/2015
Let me be clear from the beginning: I hate teaching. I am quite impatient. I don’t like kids and I don’t like explaining things more than once really. (There are a few kids I do like and I don’t mind explaining, at times).
Ali and I met on a Tuesday night in the library. Naively, I had my guard down and spoke with him like I would a normal person. What was I thinking? A few days later he crossed my mind, as do most things when I over think. Messaging him on Facebook, I was blissfully unaware of the short-lived rollercoaster on which I was about to embark.
Looking back, little clues were given for what was to come. Ali and I spent a lot of time over this past month discussing things from the birth of religion to tackling poverty, to economic regimes and humanity’s role on Earth. Speaking required my full attention. I couldn’t half read and I couldn’t half answer. He demanded my full attention for each message. There wasn’t much we hadn’t covered. I didn’t fancy him. I just appreciated the depth of knowledge on things of which I had never even heard. I enjoyed listening to his perspective, and deciding whether I agreed. It was a challenge to convince him I was as smart: my favourite type of role play.
After just over a month, it all came crashing down, when I realised he wasn’t what I expected. Somehow, as per, I was more vested than him. A few examples: he hadn’t considered seeing me again, whilst I was thinking of fun activities for us to do. He didn’t think I was worthy of his personal or genuine time — solely educational or something?, whilst I wanted to know more about him as a person and not so much his views on current affairs. Little differences.
I suppose in a very twisted way I became attached to his stories and his brain, that when I said let’s not speak anymore, I really struggled. Perhaps it doesn’t help that my book reminds me of him. Ugh t
his guy was unusual. I don’t know why it went weird, but classic me — can’t be friends with a guy for too long now can I?
Labels
4/7/2015
Sometimes I think of all the ways I can become a billionaire: Marry rich, invent something, or sell something niche. Whenever I follow this train of thought, I almost always end up certain that I should sell paint or glue. Think about it, everything needs to be painted or glued. When in your life have you held something that wasn’t glued or painted?! Exactly.
Coming to think of it, labels are a good one to sell. They are very popular in all senses. Society insists on labelling at every opportunity. ‘Are you boyfriend and girlfriend?’ ‘Are you an insomniac?’ ‘Do you have depression?’ ‘Are you a psychopath?’ What does it mean if you are boxed into a particular title?
For me, being called BF GF really stresses me out. I feel almost suffocated that I have to uphold this title or else. Other titles can probably also cause this anxiety — perhaps being the best at something. Coming top of the class in first year may set you up for years of devastation and dissappointment if you can’t maintain the rank.
I have been reading a book called Confessions of a Sociopath. This book reminds me of a guy I knew, Ali. I suppose speaking with him whilst reading this book exposed me to what the world contains: a lot of secrets. We all have secrets, big or small, but we do. This guy Ali let me in on his but all it did was end the friendship, or more accurately, dispelled what I thought was a friendship. Perhaps labels should be kept a secret all together. Who says we need to know what people are? Why can’t we accept people are whatever they want to be and we just react with them however we like?
A lot of things are up in the air for me right now. I get very anxious when thinking about it all and for an over thinker this is often. I’ve kept busier than ever — most likely to distract myself from reality. Currently on a train for my best friends birthday. Hopefully I can put everything in a box at the back and label myself as a fun and free spirit.
Languages
1/7/2015
Too often we close our eyes and lock these doors by growing up speaking one language. It is only when we learn another language that we simultaneously enter an entirely new world. To learn a language one should read and write, but also learn about the culture and the small and unspoken details. The Chinese are masters at recognising the importance of tone within a word, where simply a high pitched tone at the end of a long word could give an entirely different meaning to the same word with a lower tone.
The skill of acquiring a new language is so powerful and important, and I am not the only one who reveres those who hold this bank of knowledge. Society encourages learning languages, making it a key element in landing a job in the corporate world. However, we forget that there are other languages which need to be acquired — a language which cannot be taught in class, but solely through experience. This somewhat ‘secret language’ is the language between people. I am particularly thinking of the language between women. It is subtle and complex, and oblivion to it makes a girl easier to decipher.
I am always boastful when it comes to describing my friends. I have a wonderful group of girls both at home and at university and I would argue that they are pretty identical in many respects. They like the same music, dance the same, flirt the same, and act the same in social scenarios. I thought this meant we all spoke the same language. But I was wrong. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was, but I had a bad feeling about a girl I met at university from day one. She was friendly and smiley but we spoke a different language. It wasn’t until I broke up with my boyfriend and days later she swooped in, when I realised she did in fact have no heart. Unnamed shady bitch and I were friends. How could she do this to me? It was almost as if I anticipated it. When it happened, I wasn’t as much shocked by her actions, as I was disappointed that what I thought to be true about her personality was spot on. For months I hated her for this betrayal — but it isn’t her fault. She just hasn’t learnt this language.
I think I’m touching on a few points, but in layman’s terms: vibes are more telling than people can explain. There is something between us all, something invisible which feeds us information about one another without our consent or input. We can’t put our finger on it but we definitely pick up ‘vibes’ which (I think) are accurate. Let’s hope the aura around you likes you enough to persuade the world you are a good person.
Victor
30/6/2015
I mentioned a while ago I bought Victor who is small and vibrates. Since not having a boyfriend, I rarely meet with him because I am not sure how to gage whether one night standers would welcome him.
The other week I went to a few parties in a row and had been travelling for weeks before. Everything was chaotic, and Victor ended up in the middle of it. At one of my friend’s birthdays he fell out of my bag unknowingly. The following day people were like DID YOU SEE JESS’S VIBRATOR OUTSIDE THE HOUSE?! Honestly, didn’t clock what had happened for ages. Entirely forgot I’d had Victor with me. Anyway, I quickly ran outside and there he was. On the floor for everyone to see. My heart sank! Poor Jess, people assumed it was hers because it was outside her car boot! — Her car which drove me to the party!
Either way, I did not correct anyone and just took back Victor quietly. Glad I got that off my chest. Sorry Jess.
Summertime
27/6/2015
This summer is going to be all about getting hot and making money.
So far, I have got pretty drunk a few times (at parties) and slept with this guy Marco (if you remember him) in his car, and my ex. Marco was jokes and quite a funny experience whilst sleeping with my ex was a heart breaking memory just stabbing me in the heart once again.
What on earth made me think it was a good idea to see him at 2pm on a Sunday? Of course it would lead to sex. Fuck sake Miss Anonymous. Act your age for once. I need to try this thing where like, I don’t talk to him.
Today is 30th June. Let’s make the next time I am allowed to message him (if I want to — perhaps by then the magic will have worked), by July 30th. YAY go me.
I am in the process of moving out my family home and am starting work next week. Aims are as follows:
gym
earn mullar
partay with friends
read
Sounds wonderful. Essentially I am becoming a nun for a while. Sex in a car was great, but a little too scandalous for me. Everyone saw me naked the following day when I could only find my heels. What a sight.
Ramblings
21/6/2015
Don’t you miss the days where all you did to get ready for an excursion was wash your face and brush your teeth? These days, a no-makeup day is synonymous with a stay-at-home day. Many have argued that makeup is an unfair playing field. Just because A is better at applying makeup than B doesn’t mean she is prettier. Alas, that’s what the world sees. My brother, along with several sexists, would argue that women should a) wear whatever makeup makes them look best, and b) just be beautiful naturally — ha.
I wear make up every day and certainly wish I didn’t feel the need to do so. My problem is that I think I look too tired or ill without concealer under my eyes. After whitening my face, I powder a little bronzer to bring my cheekbones alive. Once I’ve got a brush in hand, why not add a little blusher? By which point my eyes look so bare in comparison and I have to apply mascara. Such a vicious web, just to look healthy for the day.
Perhaps this week my challenge will be to wear less makeup…but why? But who says no makeup is the correct way? Wait, no — this challenge is stupid and I’m not doing it. Is wearing makeup really that bad? As far as I’m aware, what you see is just a slightly prettier version of what you get. It’s only a problem when a guy goes to bed with you and wakes up with Dracula, but even I don’t know how to transform myself THAT much (if only I did).
All I know is that changing our appearance using makeup, fake lashes, tan and whatever else is fine as long as we don’t become different people along with it. Having said that, concealing our real feelings is too easy these days with social media, as I discovered when speaking to a friend: I caught up with a girl who seemed so in love and happy from Facebook photos etc., but admitted that she was actually bored of her relationship and felt trapped. I think it is dangerous having this power of ‘what you see is not what you get’. People sometimes assume I’m always out or drunk by looking through my photos, but realistically it’s only once a week.
What does all this power mean? I think it means that not only do I need to ensure I’m having a good time, but also I need to look like I am having a good time. Again, this latter component is fine as long as it doesn’t detract from the genuine fun stuff. Finding a balance can be difficult, and too often I find girls sat around drinks at a bar, taking photos and editing their fun, hash tagging #drinkswiththegirls, instead of…drinking with the girls. I, too, am guilty of this, but it’s the new culture: documentation…as if we are incredible people who do document-worthy things. It’s hilarious!
Who’s around?
18/6/2015
Welcome back!
How are we all feeling? It is officially summer and I am already done with boys for the season. I have a lot to update.
Recently I was on an extremely long flight and I don’t know about you, but I always think I could meet the one on a flight. Twice in my life has this been a possibility but sadly once, the guy threw up, and the other time the guy asked for my number but he was Italian (long distance is a no), I was 14 (legal issues), and my mum was standing next to me (not cool). On this occasion, however, my luck seemed to change.
It was a 10 hour flight when two loud dumb and dumber esq. boys rock up to my row. “Oh shit” they barf. How polite. “Gee thanks” I reply and move over to let them in. The guy next to me was less hot than the one next to him, but 5 hours into the flight and subsequently into our conversation, he was pretty hot himself. We spoke about everything humanly possible. We shared a blanket and pillow. We played chess. It was the best 10 hours I have ever had with a stranger. How can it be that I spent this amazing time with him and nothing comes of it?
Exam season is normally dry — but this is expected and widely accepted. I wasn’t getting with my ex. I wasn’t chirpsing anyone notable. I was literally going to the library to study, or the gym to sweat, then home and straight to bed. One day I notice a boy next to me studying the same topic. Alas — a friend who can help! In the most un-creepy way I knew, I told him I noticed we were covering the same topic and asked if he wanted to go over it with me when he finished. “Of course” he said. “In a bit” he said.
I went to the bathroom, and low and behold — he was gone. Better luck next time? On to the next.
Between you and me, I am honestly not on the market for anything. The most I will agree to have, is a small chat with a boy here and there throughout the day. Perhaps he can fancy me a bit and I don’t mind fancying him. He can then maybe ask me out for drinks and I will panic and say no. Then we stop speaking because we realise it is all a cyber thing and I get upset but recall that I never truly liked him — because it is a cyber thing. Hmmm, did not see that crash and burn when I began this train of thought. Okay, must sleep. Have an interview tomorrow.
Good night
Pass me the icecream, please
3/3/2015
As I lay in bed, naked and unbathed, thinking about vomming up all the icecream, maltesers and salted nuts I ate, I wonder where it all went wrong.
Last night I met up with person X to tell him how I had kissed someone else (person Y), and how I felt bad about it and perhaps we should become officially exclusive. Not only did person X not really care, he also asked to become completely nonexclusive. Whilst discussing these heartbreaking terms of agreement, person Y haaaas to walk in, doesn’t he. Like, why?
I sincerely hope I don’t become ridiculously fat and turn into a ball of melted icecream, honestly that’s one of my biggest fears at the moment.
Also note to self, let’s not go on a sluts rampage again — just alone time will suffice.
Hope your Tuesday is going better.
Hey hey
2/3/2015
Hey friends. I hope you’ve not lost faith — I am still here and I am still having sex. If anything I’ve become a bitter old bitch, just judging people.
I am currently sitting in a study space opposite a couple who, hand on heart, make me want to be single forever. Innocently solving my complex calculation, I noticed the guy opposite me rubbing his girlfriends back until he guilt tripped her into rub his back. ERGH! It honestly looked like baboons eating shit off each other. Please get a room or I will be sick on my work.
Ooh and another couple emerge through the crowd. Let’s see how PDA they will be.
Being on the single side of life, I can understand the feeling of this elite club of those in secure relationships: BORING. I want the heartbreaks and the sweats of whether he loves me or not!!!…. Am I lying to myself in hope of making myself feel better? Hmph, not a clue nor a care. The last few weeks have just been a roller coaster, less so than last term though. Last term I recall almost every shower washed away a different boys sweat/semen. This time it is mainly my ex’s.
Last term I failed to mention that a new member had been purchased. I call him Victor, the vibrating bullet. I hadn’t used him until I slept with my ex. If I’m honest, Victor stole the limelight and wasn’t for me. In this precise moment I am unsure whether my ex wants to continue this weird thing, so perhaps I should learn how to incorporate Victor more and keep sex exciting.
Right, off to work.
for future-me
2/3/2015
I don’t know about you, but I grew up thinking that a girl with brains was novel, that if I were pretty and smart I could essentially rule the world. Perhaps it’s because this idea is so ingrained in my brain, that I simply can’t help but be drawn to overthinking and certainly over-showing.
It is no secret amongst my friends that I am an over thinker. I had never seen it as a flaw, or something that needed work, but nowadays I question everything. Am I wasting my brain on meaningless things? Does no one else in the world think about little things like I do?
Let’s break it down (classic over-thinker moves): 1. Why am I overthinking? 2. Why do I leave the house in underwear and see-through clothes?
To be honest, even I am too exhausted to start analysing this shit. Let’s get to the basics: the most useful thing one could learn is to equate what one wants to do with what’s good to do. At the moment, the only thing I want to do is very very bad, but no! I have to prioritise my future-self, and not just sleep with my ex and get with whoever else in the meantime too I need to define things, as shit as it is for current-me, it’s the only way future-me will be happy.
Ok, let’s make this week a good one: gym, study, party and bathe.
GOOD LUCK xx
Originally published at bristolsecrets.weebly.com.