Better late than never?
It’s been 1 year, 5 months, and 25 days since the last time I wrote something publicly. I used to be really good about putting my thoughts to words but somehow I forgot how to open up. I hear the words I want to say all of the time, but when I open my mouth, I’m just rambling about things that really don’t matter.
Not being able to talk made me panic, a lot more than I’d like to admit. But I was never going to be able to talk until I learned how to grieve. No matter what you learn in life, you will never know how to grieve and it will never be easy to lose someone who meant a lot to you. I denied how I felt from May 2016-January 2018. It took about 6 months of therapy this year to get me to feel like myself again. I still have moments where I open my mouth and words won’t come out, but I’ve seen tremendous growth this year and I’m proud of myself. It is incredibly hard to go from a place where you don’t know when things are going to get better, to a place where they are better. I’ll celebrate that everyday because that’s how it should be.
So anyway, I re-downloaded medium after neglecting it for what feels like a decade and I read my last post. I said “I am the moment my parents decided to get a divorce. I’m various moments of being bullied. I am the first time I felt love and I am the first time I felt heartbreak. I am the moment I walked across the stage at graduation celebrating the first of many things I did on my own. I am all the moments where I’ve been proud of myself. I am the moment when I hit the floor screaming when my brother told me my mom had died. I am the anxiety in the gym waiting to hear that my sister has died.” Just like that, that small reminder of who I am that inspired the hell out of me.
So here I am 1 year, 5 months, and 25 days, being nothing short of confident with who I am. I am the moment my parents decided to get a divorce. I’m various moments of getting bullied. I am the first time I felt love, and the first time I felt heartbreak. I am the product of hard-work that takes me everywhere I want to go. I am wildly independent but still have the courage to ask for help when I can’t be. I am fiercely strong when everything falls apart. I am the pride of being a good person with a good heart. I am the appreciation of being here.
